No One Said It'd Be Easy

Chapter 4

January came, and so did school. I was so glad to be able to see her again. Over the Winter break I learned she had gotten a phone, but couldn't text on it, so I still didn't have a constant way to contact her. Yet, at the end of the month, I received a text message from her phone and was curious has to how that was. Regardless, I now hand a semi-instant way to talk to her.

As February approached, so did her birthday, and my friend's birthday party. Strangely, her birthday and the party were on the same day. So I got him to let me invited her and we all went over to the party after school and we just chilled into the night.

Sadly, I had never kissed a girl before and, this party was well into my eighth grade year. But I wanted to kiss her tonight. To give her something special on her birthday. So I spent about three hours sitting next to her twiddling my thumbs not exactly sure how to do it.

Eventually she walked off into a different section of the building that had considerably less people in it. Soon, I managed to scare those people away and got her to follow me out the door to the back of the building. We just stood out there for a minute looking around. And then I couldn't stand it any longer and just moved in...

Haha, I still feel a little embarrassed about this when I think about it, but the first time, I kind of missed. So I looked around and then said,"Let's try that again." And it was much better that time.

Afterwards, we just sat on the curb for awhile talking. And since then I have grown confident around her and never miss an opportunity to put my arm or arms around her and just hold her close to me. I'd do anything for her, and I hope she knows that.
But we all have our little quirks, and her not least of all. For awhile I thought that she was really self centered and just didn't care about me as much as I cared about her. So I said something about how I do everything for her, told her I disregarded myself for her, told her she was spoiled and that she wasn't an angel. I fucked up bad.
She was seven shades of upset and never got over it. She saved the text message and refuses to erase it. She continues to dwell on it and just keeps making herself feel bed. I can't apologize enough about it, and I continuously have to.
Unfortunately, I told my sister all the bad things about her and just left out all the good. Well my sister got it into her head that my girlfriend was nothing but a controlling b***h. This I told her just to keep being honest. Again, she was upset crazily and I'm still apologizing for that one.

Maybe honesty isn't always the best policy, and more than once I've screwed up because of being honest, but I would just rather not lie to her. And I keep hoping that she isn't ever lying to me. But she doesn't like to worry me and therefore attempts to hide bad feelings or bad happenings from me. I can't help but to have lost a little trust in her, and I hope she'll try to regain in.

Since then I have done my best to not to ever say anything rude to her. It's tough at times, but I usually manage.I love her too much to drive her away like that. She gets hurt easily, and it coming from me doesn't make it any easier on her.

She has strange ways. She always hates herself for something. But that's more of His fault than hers...... If you tell her she's ugly, she'll just say"I know" and believe you in a heartbeat. However, if you say she's NOT ugly, she'll never believe you. Not in your lifetime. If you tell her anything nice, you have to go into detail about how it's true, and even then she still tries to worm her way out of believing it.

It's His fault though. He broke her into little pieces and then left. I have spent almost a year of my life trying to mend the damage that b*****d caused. It is by far the hardest thing I have ever tried to accomplish. I'm not entirely sure I CAN accomplish it. But I have devoted myself to doing it and if it can't be done, then I shall die trying.
I have done, and are still doing, all I can to make her happy. Apparently making myself unhappy at the same time doesn't get anything done. She can be so difficult to please. She is always looking for something to worry about. 

Example: We were at her house. Her parents don't know we're dating; they'd make us break up again. But we were just sitting alone in her room..... Kissing. The entire time she did not relax. The worry that we would get caught never left her mind, and it never will until I can get rid of everything worrying her. Yes, I must do it. No one else will.

But I fear that she will always worry, even about the smallest things, because she is just so used to it that she can't get away from it. I doubt I'll ever get her to relax.........