Hmm

A Chapter by Thal Narry

When I wake up in the pass month now, I have developed a somewhat dull yet bearable routine. From work, meals and sleep, such a boring way to live with no excitements or anything worth remembering. Then just then I realize the sickening truth of our life was always a routine in some way. It is how we were brought up, train, rise, and is it a bad thing good thing who knows for sure. What is this is this the way life is supposed to be? Which brings up so many questions that just been overwhelming me in this pass month. Even though these unanswered questions have been wondering in my mind occasionally, but this pass mouth it has been exploding, I feel like my inner child have been nagging ridicules questions that isn't so ridicules after all. The more I listen the more I understand these questions are the answers but to the answers for what? For inner peace, wisdom, the holy answer to the purpose of life or total bull s**t. Whatever it is, to me these nagging are slow awaking from an unrealistic world with pointless intentions and denials that we as human surround ourselves in.

Randomness:

My heart is feeling heavy my ribs aces and my chest is having burning sensations while typing this. What is this feeling plus now my tongue feel like it’s being pulled and I have a pounding headache while someone is screaming in my left ear and another is adding presser to my right arm and hurting my right hand while I am typing. Am I unwell maybe but I know I would be lying to myself and denying to truth of other possibilities, what most will say “you have mental issues, here talk some pills”. Or the most command “give yourselves to God he will save you!”

I love this room that I am in, it used to be my old bedroom very pure and peaceful so I turn it in to a meditation room for my parents. I never really used it till the last two days, tonight will be my third and the three tea light candles are still the same ones I first used on my first sitting. The candles are now still and at ease finally, they been flickering since I lighted them. I am in a different state in this room it brings me to places where I can think about nothingness. Last night was a fascinating experiment I took my mind away or was very close of just letting go it felt like I was high and flouting away. Now tonight I just wanted to record everything and maybe the spirits is telling me to not bring a laptop in this holy area but once again I feel as I should ignore them like a norm. Well just this time and a few times after this. As for my parents both Buddhist conservative beings say there is not spirits in this room or is in denial and is too proper to talk about them anymore. This does not mean our home is hunted what so ever it is just typical to have occasional minds of visitors alive or passing coming in and out, I came to learn to somewhat except this.

Let continue on to my questions or these so call answers. Oh by the way I’m just going along with what comes up or what is going on around inside next to me, so here it comes. Why do we feel things, anything from love, sadness, tiredness, pain, weakness, happiness? Is because we are a being that lives, is this really the ways of life, what the f**k! What is being good what is being bad is it really that bad, can we be okay without all these feeling or would we be considered heartless and selfish? What is the purpose in anything we do, we as people are walking disasters because we are so lost in this mess that we made our home in it. Most lost the ability to see the truth that is right in front of us, the meaning the things that made this world, this universe the way it is, the truth of all truth. The answer that will give each person the abilities to control the life after life after life we force ourselves into, I like to call it the repeat button. I would like everyone to rethink everything they believe in, put the stubbornness away completely and just go back to when you know nothing at all were your mind hasn't been tainted by others believes, passions, hopes, teaching of all kinds good or bad. Then you will find the truth of the answers or just answer. I of course haven’t found “it” whatever that is or I wouldn't be writing at this moment. But I feel close because “it “is around my head I feel it and it’s amazing to have it around me and so far from feeling complete but a tad closer than before.

Randomness:

I feel warm and admired right now like someone face is brushing against my cheek. The feeling when a nurturing mother would hug her child. This is nice and a very sweet feeling, I kind of have to wake up from it to continue typing. I realize why I had someone screaming at me earlier, when I got up to check my phone a friend having a typical girl drama text to have me call her, she can wait a little longer. Also a email from my Professor congregating me for moving and getting accepted in to college. So maybe that was where the warmth came from, who knows. I come to a conclusion that these odd things are real and I’m not going to diagnose myself with delusional diseases doctors and therapies would say. Because their even more delusional and confuse with what is real and fake, yup I said it smart asses don’t seem so smart now.