VIII - Lola

A young woman stood before us and screamed. Her yell was loud and long and by the time it ended she was shaking and my ears were ringing. She rushed away, her frightened eyes wide and took refuge behind the bar. I slowly lowered my arm from the beer mugs.

‘What have we done?’ I asked, but knew it must be because we were not Sesuthian. We were alien and strange dressed in our army uniforms carrying guns; we were a threat.

‘Don’t know, Sir’ We looked at each other as we listened intently. Again there was shuffling of feet, but more jagged this time. There was a silence with only the wind singing and the doors rattling. Gentle steps forward. We waited. More steps and half a face in a door frame.

‘You must go’ she said in a quivering voice. She held a large brass candlestick firmly in her hands. She was unkempt and wore ragged clothes, her hair matted in places, but her blue eyes shone as they drifted to look at us more closely.

‘We have money’

‘Go’ she yelled, swinging the candlestick.

‘We will go, but we have nowhere to go to’ I said as we edged towards the door.

‘Go back to where you came from or I will call the local guard’ she said, her face discoloured, her breathing heavy.

‘You won’t need to with that scream’ I said trying a smile, but she returned it with a frown,

‘Go’ she said weakly, her breathing slowing. ‘You’re from the government?’ she said, her face flushing red as she eyed us carefully, taking in our every detail.

‘No we’re from, from, well we’re from Medvia’ I said pointing in the direction of the mountains. She wore her hair up under a white cotton bonnet. Her dress was long and covered by an apron.

‘You’re from there? No one’s comes from there, in years, decades. Not from there. Why did you come?’ she said looking around. She wiped the bar with a cloth to gather her thoughts and her shape reminded me of Nola.

‘The war, we have been on the run’ I stabbed.

‘What war?’

‘The war between Medvia and Narsia’

She stood up and laughed ‘Those are mythical lands. They don’t exist..’ but her words trailed off and after a brief pause she disappeared behind the bar. We heard her talking to someone and then she came back. She took a hard look at us for a few seconds.

‘My name is Lola and you are in danger. You must go back to where you came from, even if there is a war; you will be much safer there. Men are rare here and those that do live are abused and mistreated. Sesuthia is a dying country because of this and the powers that be are making it worse. Do not go to the cities, especially the capital as you will be tortured and killed. I am now in danger just from talking to you. I should give you in’

‘Why are things like this?’ I asked.

‘Because of years of chaos and in-fighting’ she paused, looking at us and shaking her head. ‘The few men that are allowed to exist here, live on remote farms and cause huge problems for the authorities as they have to be policed by armed guards.There are regular patrols here too, so you must hide’ she said and she went outside, walking quickly to check the front.

‘We can’t go back’ Briggs said. His voice was tired, he rubbed his head.

‘No’ I agreed. ‘We are tired and hungry’

‘I will get you ale and bread and you can sleep in the back room for tonight’ she called through.

‘Thank you Lola’ I said.

As soon as the gloom of the back room hit us we fell fast asleep and I was deep in the land of disturbing dreams for what seemed like days. When I awoke I didn’t know where I was or what day it was. I heard voices in the night and now and then bread and water was put by us. On one time I caught sight of Lola and as she put a plate and cup down I took her hand.

‘What…what is this? she said looking at her hand as though it had a rash. She pulled it away, but I reached out and held it again. ‘What are you doing?’

‘Thank you for helping us, I know you are risking a lot’ I whispered kissing the back of her hand.

‘You must go very early tomorrow morning’ she whispered. I kissed the back of her hand again and she looked at it and then wiped it on her dress. ‘Please don’t do that’

‘You don’t like it? You’ve never been kissed by a man before?’

‘I…I…yes, I mean no I haven’t, only Old Will who lives in the woods and mountains’

‘He is a man?’

‘He is very old and has little life force in him. He has the anatomy of a man that is all. He is kept under guard’

‘You shared love with him?’

‘A long time ago, when I was young and he was younger’ she said smiling. I kissed her wrist and forearm and she watched, unclear of what to do, but trusting her self-control. My mouth found her neck and then we were kissing. ‘You are not like Old Will’

‘I hope not’

Reviews

[Betty Hermelee]

interesting chapter of a strange war in a strange place where men are shunned and guarded... except for Lola who first wanted these soldier types to exit immediately, but then became enamored with one of them...she let loose... nice write Tertia
Warmly, B
Please return the favor, thank you

[W. Barrett Munn]

I suggest you lose the word “was” in your writing. The passive voice leads to telling when you want to show. An example:
She was looking at the dress in the window.—telling
She stopped, enthralled. The red of the dress in the widow so vivid it almost hurt her eyes to look at.-showing.

I suggest reading Dean Koontz. He wrote a scene with a policeman talking to a suspect who only talked in Elvis Presley song titles and showed the conversation as it happened.

Hope this helps. Keep writing but if you want to really learn you have to honestly compare your writing to great writers you admire-your goal is to write as well as they.

Winston

[Fabian G. Franklin]

Men are used and mistreated here, too. Might want to revisit this line "He is very my old" and drop the "my". To write is human, to edit, divine." Stephen King from "On Writing". I like some fantasy realm stuff. I liked Titan, Wizard and Demon by John Varley. Cirocco in those makes for a cool sort of anti-hero character. I read Battlefield Earth by L. Ron Hubbard and plenty of others. I used to read a great many horror novels. About L. Ron, I've still not figured out how anyone can follow a religion created by a guy who wrote science fiction. That's pretty damn funny if you think about it. Keep up the good work.