LIGHT OF DAY.

A WOMAN TRIES TO COME TO TERMS WITH HER MAN LEAVING HER.

There's day out there light comes through the gap in the curtains bright light but you don't want to get up you want to lie in bed all day and forget the day began want to just lie there close your eyes and pretend the day hasn't come want it to be last week when he was still with you still in bed with you and hugging you and kissing you but he's gone and it's not what you wanted at all but he just up and left and rumour has it(female friends told you) he was seeing someone else and had gone off with her you snuggle down in the bed pull the white duvet over you imagine it is him near to you him hugging you tight like he used to do the white pillow is soft and smells of perfume yours his pillow lies behind you unused now although you did hug it in the night did hold it tight against your naked flesh pretending it was him against you now it's cast behind you against the bed board thrown there in disgust you lie and stare at the light at the patterns it makes on the duvet small particles float in small galaxies twirling around and around why did he go? What was she like? What did she have I don't ? questions enter your head you try to push them away but they barge into your brain like invaders causing you anxiousness and now you are depressed and want just to sleep want just to close your eyes and pretend there is no world out there nothing just nothing birds sing by the window traffic hums beyond you wanted him last night wanted him in bed with you his hands over you his lips kissing you kissing you everywhere but there were no lips no kissing although you pretended he was kissing you and closing your eyes you kissed your arm and hand and then moved down and kissed your leg and as far as you could reach until your neck ached with the reaching and you lay back and stared at the dark ceiling and cried aren't you going to get up? They'll expect you in today at the office and if you don't go in they might think you aren't coming anymore and the job will go and how then will you pay the rent and bills? You want the inner voice to shut up want it to just be quiet it has been at you in the waking hours yak yak yak you close your eyes shut out the light imagine it's Sunday imagine it is time to have that second sleep you do have some Sundays where has he gone? Why didn't he tell me? You open your eyes and stare at the ceiling where light plays got to get up and wash or shower and brush the hair and get breakfast the voice says you sit up stare at the window push back the duvet and put your legs out of bed and sit on the edge of the bed and feel the soft carpet beneath your feet there's a chill you ought to go shower warm up get that hot water over you wash off the night sweat and the wetness down below where you did things in the night out of frustration you stare at the dressing table at your refection in the mirror at your hair all over the place what a sight the voice says look at you no wonder he left you and went off with that b***h whoever she was bet she looked a million dollars not like you you cheap looking w***e shut up you tell the voice the voice stops and you get off the bed and walk across the carpet and open the door and walk to the bathroom and sit down on the stall and pee the air is warm the heating is on your body is not what it was am I old now? Middle aged? No no I am thirty three not old why did he leave me? Did he want children? Guess he might not that I didn't want them but it frightened me having kids having that responsibility on me all that baby stuff you have to cope with and what if it died how would I cope with that? You get up flush the pan and get in the shower and turn on the tap and the water is nice hot and you close your eyes and let the water flow over you in your hair and over your shoulders and arms and legs you open your eyes after a minute or two and grab the shower gel and wash all over your hair you face neck arms under the arms body hugging washing as if he was doing it between the legs especially there and behind the back of the legs all over you rinse and then you turn off the tap and stand there momentarily and stare at the shower curtain and suddenly it hits you he isn't going to come back he's gone gone gone you panic and almost slip in the shower you push back the wet curtains and get out on the mat and grab a white towel from the rail warm and soft and you hug yourself in it and calm yourself calm now relax just relax you hug your body tight in the towel and begin to dry yourself he isn't coming back no more hugs and kisses no more sex in bed with him no more sex games no more you hug the towel about you and cry your cheeks wet and you hug the towel tighter and tighter pull yourself together the voice says get dried and get to work shut up you reply you wipe the tears away then throw the towel in the basket you walk back to the bedroom and stand there naked in front of the mirror looking at your body and the hair dried in a mess you hesitate then get out the clothes for the day the underwear the tights the dress the blue one he bought you why that one? I want to show I don't care I want to wear it you dress slowly then once you are dressed you brush your hair sitting on the small chair in front of the dressing table Mother used to brush my hair nice when I was a girl sitting me on her lap brushing down slowly and carefully and then she'd kiss me and say I was her angel Mother's dead now that cancer got her you feel tears coming again looking at your face in the mirror you see tears going down your cheeks like small pearls I love you he said I bet the voice says in your head he says that to all the girls.