BABY LOSS.

A WOMAN AND HER LOSS OF A BABY.

The nurse said,
your baby's dead,
can't hear a heartbeat.

I just looked at her,
said Fran,
as if she'd sworn at me,
as if that was it nine months,
that was it,
nothing just gone
in a split second,
it was there
then it wasn't.

I said,
are you sure?

She said,
yes, nothing here,
no beat, nothing.

I looked at her
as if it was some kind of joke,
something out there unreal.

I wanted
for her to say,
April fool, caught you
out there, didn't I,
but she didn't
she just gazed
at me dumbly,
as if I was just
another woman
who'd missed
out this time,
it was just
a matter
of trying again.

I began to cry,
not just that
ordinary kind of cry,
but a deep throated,
deep down the guts cry.

She looked at me,
and I could see nothing,
but one big blur
of blue uniform.

I wanted to wake up
from the dream
nightmare kind of s**t,
not believe it real,
not one miserable bit.