O Miss Pinkie said " she dropped the Mrs once her divorce came
through although being a Catholic it didnt amount to much- if I could
have my life over again and had the wisdom I have now and a lot of
understanding of the human machine Id have lived differently and not
married the twat I did but there you go we must live forward and not
backward although at times we wish we could but we cant so there you are
and as a child coming from a strict Catholic family church going and
the Mass were our Sundays highlight or so it seemed at the time and the
priest as often at our house as a neighbour or a member of the close
family and would come and sit and drink and eat and say things about
others and how so and sos daughter had gone by the wayside and needed
taking in hand and my father said any daughter his going by any wayside
would get a good tanning of their backside and the priest saying that is
a way going from homes now but my father said not here Father not here
and it was true as my sister knew as she was many a time feeling his
hand on her backside if she step out of line and me too now and then and
my mother stood in his shadow and said do as your father says and would
shake a finger at us if she thought we were out of step with our
fathers wishes and a cousin wanted to join the Little Sisters and
encouraged me to go too and talked me into it when I was old enough and
with my fathers blessing- blessing being his agreement or his say so-
and he said I know what men are like youre better off there with the
Sisters than with with some of the specimens around here in Glasgow to
wed and bed so I joined the Little Sisters as did the cousin and were
set to become brides of Christ but I couldnt settle to it never had the
vocation for the life what with all those maidens and their narrow views
and the cousin went first and within a month or two was out with a man
named Scott and before you could say hows your fanny off for spots she
was up the aisle dressed in the white with the thin rod of a man beside
her and within a seventh month she dropped a babe- his we assumed- and
then just before I was due to take my simple vows I left too much to my
fathers annoyance and being put out by it he said nothing to me for
months on end turned his back on me if I entered the house- lived after
leaving with my cousin her her thin man and the babe in a room in the
attic- but he came around and knowing he could no more put me over his
knee he used his words to have a go at me if I stepped beyond his likes
then I met the man who was to be and was my husband and on the first
date- the cinema where else- it was kiss kiss and fiddle fiddle in the
back rows with others also so inclined and after a few weeks he had me
in his bed-he lived in digs as he called them- and I knew nothing then
about sex or anything relating to that side of matters and I was
surprised by what he was doing and where and how and I said is this how
it is? and he said it was and had always been so and so it was and I got
to enjoy it after the first few times and then we had our child a boy
and then my husband got a job away a lot and then he started having it
with other women or girls while away and I had it fewer and fewer times
until one day I found out about them all and I said no more with me and
he said good and left and that was it and I brought up our son on my own
until he left home to get a job abroad and I was alone and began
needing to work myself having no husband to support me and it was there
that my met young Baruch-Benedict he called himself but I liked Baruch
better- and at first I never thought about him and sex and that because
he was nineteen years younger than I was and I was old enough to be his
mother but he had that way with him and he said can I come to your place
I want to read you some my my writings and so I said yes and he came
and I gave him whiskey or wine and I put on music on the record player
and he read his work and I watched him read and sensed him near me and
the drink softened him up and the music got to him and he said I need
you and I said in what way? he said in what way and I went and undressed
and came back in a kimono and he said I looked like a Japanese woman he
once saw in a book and he drank more and then he undressed and so it
began almost every other night after work in the evenings hed come
around and we had drinks and he brought some Mahler and we played that
and it became our love music and he had me in ways id not been had
before and played at spanking me prior to humping me- as he called it-
and it reminded me of my father- the spankings not the sex of course-
and it made me tingle and sometimes it was on my double bed often or not
if we couldnt make it on the sofa with the Mahler symphony blaring away
and the glasses empty and him over me and I eyeing him or closing my
eyes imagining him and sometimes he was underneath me and it was him and
me and Mahler and his hand on my behind and him in me and hed say come
on come on and I was becoming out of breath feeling my age or so it
seemed then he met some young girl and that was it I was alone again and
sat listening to Mahler and I drank my booze thinking of him knowing he
would leave after all he was just a boy I was getting to be older but
wanting to recall our nights together and Mahler and whiskey and that
time we had it on the carpet the carpet soft and thick and he saying
wheres the fence where can we ride? and we laughed and that time at work
in the wash room where I got him stiff as a rifle and ready to shoot
but it was too public and he had to walk it off but then he left work
and it became a mere echo of former days my hair less dyed letting my
hairs become different coloured greys.
Share This
Email
Facebook
Twitter
Read Request
My Library
Subscribe
Flag Writing