Galactic Love

Passion as eternal as earth...

We lived like planets, 

Ensconced in our own gravity, 

Lonely , looming largely,

Into the vastness of empty space. 

We lived like planets, 

Ancient, Beautiful, Incomprehensible...

Slowly turning ever forward,

The gears of eternity grinds ever on.

A harsh, hot impact, 

The ground beneath us shakes,

The sweat of your body covers me,

A blessed union of celestial bodies, clear and easy to make

We lived like planets, 

Crashing into our sun.

Shooting stars twinkle,

Two become one. 

An eternal dance we share...

We lived like planets,

We passed close by, 

a whisper of connection and closeness,

before our orbit pulled us on our way again.

Author's Note

I'm really happy about this one. Please give me critical feedback. This is a diamond in the rough. Thank you.

Reviews

[RainQueen]

This is a really beaqutiful piece. you portray this image of two becoming one so very well...The visual of these planets passing, almost not connecting, then the Coming together of soul-meld...I have a hard time coming up with any improvement, but you asked:) The only thing that could possibly heighten the impact of the metaphor might be to begin the poem in the past tense (We lived like planets) changing to presnt tense in the last stanza for a contrast? I dunno, though. The repetition almost serves to highlight that itself...

Lovely work~

[Maria1985]

Wow that's awesome

[ChaoticSoul]

This is lovely! I highly enjoyed the extended metaphor of using planets. You did it in such a way that connects with real life and real emotions so beautifully. I enjoyed every line and I'm glad you're happy with the way it turned out, you should definitely be proud! :)

[Cassie Fraga]

IAM HAPPY ABOUT THIS ONE TOO!!! very clever of you too use the planets to convey your storie... great work!!!

[Kim's Poems]

This is amazing really,
found it captiavting beuatiful.
Very nicely and neatly done.

[Incendiary Grievances]

That was so beautiful. Your metaphor was carried perfectly and with unimaginable eloquence.

I especially love the closing line, "a whisper of connection of closeness, before our orbit pulled us on our way again". The separation is not a morose one at all, but rather a powerful one that is overcome by the brilliance of the very meeting.

[CrystalBluePersuasion]

absolutely stellar! I couldn't have written anything better! I love it.

[IAmGhost120]

"We lived like planets/We passed close by/A whisper of connection and closeness/Before our orbit(s) pulled us on our way again" - beautifully said. I think this would make a good song; I can picture it being done by Florence + The Machine. There are so many things I like about this poem; I just like the way you put the words together. Every verse is just gorgeous and inspires such great imagery. Fantastic!!

[Leslie Philibert]

Like the way you have really picked a big subject, and you work it through well.
We lived like planets is a great line that you wisely repeat to give the whole poem an organic structure.Well done.

[An owl on the moon]

What a vast and intimate glimpse at love and life and the dance of the universe set to music when two move closer... Beautiful... Have an inspired New Year, my friend...

[Keve]

Wonderful poem. Nice rythm here; strengthed by the main statement in repetition.

Critically? Hmmm? I liked Rain Queens suggestion of beginning in the past tense. This would make it read more like a memoir and less like a declaration; more personal perhaps. Two things I would consider: Perhaps rethinking the use of "vast" and/or "vastness" in the first or second stanza. Since you are repeating the main statement you might rethink making any more repetitions. Secondly, I would consider changing "into" to "in" in the second stanza, simply because "looming" generally has more of an apparitional connotation rather than one of movement.