The Poison Path

Deadly Nightshades did nothing wrong

A prick of the finger
Was all it took
The feeling did linger
And spirit was shook

The sun in the sky
A new meaning came
The wet earth below
The glorious rain

A seed in palm
To plant by hand
The poison song
Across the land

Essence and tincture
Smoke and balm
The Devil's medicine
Does no wrong

It works for those
Who seek it's help
And study hard
The book of Self

And as your mind
May slip away
Remember, friend;
You lead the way.

Author's Note

The thorn of Rose, the red petals bleeding, may be all it takes for the lone to find company.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

I agree.
"And as your mind
May slip away
Remember, friend;
You lead the way."
We decide our journey. We must bleed to feel alive sometime. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry. Perfect ending.
Coyote

[TempleOfNothing]

Thank you for the review

[Coyote Poetry]

Was my pleasure and you are welcome.

[Neville]

reads like a hypnotic spell.. intoxicating :)

[barleygirl]

This is a great poem full of imagination & strong rhyme & rhythm. There's a certain cadence that feels lightly musical & this contrasts with a seemingly dark message. I love your wording & phrasing, bright startling images that show instead of tell. Each reader will be sparked to a different way of feeling this, since you do not lead the reader along any definite path. I love when a writer can provide plenty of vigorous imagery that urges our own imaginations along (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[JayG]

You're more focused on rhyming than the thought you're trying to present, which leads to bending the line to the needs of the rhyme. Look at S1:

A prick of the finger Was all it took
The feeling did linger And spirit was shook
- - - - - -
"The spirit was shook?" That's Yoda speak. I've not had my spirit "shook" and don't know what your intended meaning was. So truthfully, after reading the stanza I have no idea of what you're getting at. "A prick of the finger was all it took?" For what? You know, because you have intent driving your understanding. But the reader has only what the words suggest to them.

And how does "The feeling did linger" relate to the previous line? We don't know what pricked the finger, why, or how badly. And how does that relate to "The Poison Path?" How long did this unknown "feeling" stay? You don't even hint at it and that small puncture and the shaking spirit (whatever that may be) vanishes, not to be mentioned again. And, the following stanza doesn't seem to relate to this one. Instead it talks to about the sun in the sky (where else would it be?) and rain, which would seem to be mutually exclusive.

So I'm lost. But shouldn't the reader have context for what they read AS-THEY-READ?

That aside, since you're rhyming, look at the structure: Your first stanza has an ABAB for rhyming, and the reader expects that to continue. But S2 is ABCD with no rhyme. And S3 is ABCB.

My point is, if you're going to rhyme, then rhyme in a way that enhances the flow, and provides a cadence that makes the poem flow like a song for the reader.

As an example of how to do that well, take a look at The Cremation of Sam McGee, and see how the steady drumbeat draws you in as a participant. And at the end, look at the analysis of the poem on the following pages to see some of the tricks Service used in writing it:
https://www.shmoop.com/cremation-sam-mcgee/poem-text.html

Another great introduction into the techniques of structured poetry can be found in the excerpt for Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon. There's a lot more to it than there appears to be. But for what it can do for your poetry, it's worth the time to read it.

Sorry my news wasn't better.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[TempleOfNothing]

Great critique ill review a few times and adjuct my technique. Although I do question why you portray that you want more detail to a poem that is vague to say the least. "The sun in the sky" of course it is in the sky, but poems are poetic, and it draws the picture of a full sun unblocked by any cloud.

Im not quite sure if you're looking to be a poetic priest, or if you were looking for a detailed novel within my short... prose.

[JayG]

• but poems are poetic, and it draws the picture of a full sun unblocked by any cloud.
read more• but poems are poetic, and it draws the picture of a full sun unblocked by any cloud.

My point is that the reader lacks all knowledge your intent. All they have is what the words suggest based on THEIR background, not yours.

Look at the stanza as a reader must:
- - - -
The sun in the sky A new meaning came
The wet earth below The glorious rain
- - - -
What can the top line mean? A new meaning for what? You know. But what’s the old meaning, and what’s the new? You give no hint of that, or how it relates to S1. For you, the words point to a memory, perhaps an experience, or an image that lives in your mind.

But when I read it, I have a problem, because for me, the words point to a memory, perhaps an experience, or an image that lives in YOUR mind.

If I say, “I remember that time in Mexico, with Charlie. That damn chicken was probably never the same after that,” I look at it and smile. But you lack any context for when it happened, why it happened, what Charlie did, and why YOU should care.

You need to make the reader care, and be moved emotionally. But to do that the reader MUST have context.

Make sense?

[TempleOfNothing]

Makes much more sense, and thank you for taking the time to go further into depth on it. I'll be keeping that in mind, especially on writing for the reader rather than my self.

[danielle.]

I enjoyed the rhyme & thought provoking content. Nice work

[kitty]

'all it takes for the lone to find company...' We seem to seek people of like mind to exist in our shared space. It takes only that 'prick' to make us realize this. Some of us enjoy being gregarious to blank out that 'lonely' feeling but others enjoy their own company/space. This poem beautifully expresses the feasability of both sides of the fence. Thank you for sharing.

[TempleOfNothing]

Excellent words and thank you for your time!

[kitty]

Don't mention!

[.]

A very brisk and darkly menacing write that reads nicely down the page. Nicely conceived.

[TempleOfNothing]

Much appreciated!

[Marlice Morgan]

Love this so. I was able to create an imagine in my mind to go a long with each line.

[TempleOfNothing]

Glad to hear it, and thank you!

[Chris Shaw]

Deadly Nightshade, I can remember my Mum pointing it out to me as a child and telling me not to touch it or eat it! How poisonous it is I don't know. This little write was intriguing. It took me on several different pathways. Your stanzas flow and rhyme well. Good to read you.

Chris

[TempleOfNothing]

Thank you for another wonderful review!