A day in the life...

“I’ve been watching you,” she said, swinging her shoulders lightly from side to side. I could smell her perfume, see her perfect skin and her blue eyes. She was truly a beautiful young woman.

Much to my embarrassment...  I was arrested to day.

 

It all began in the electrical isle at the Home Depot. I was buying the material to change out an electrical service. A key component to this task is a  weather mast... a ten foot long, forty pound  steel pipe.

This was the trigger to my situation.

As I pushed my cart down the aisle I couldn’t help but notice an attractive young woman watching me.  Dressed in black slacks with a pale blue, floral top, covered with a bright orange Home Depot apron she appeared to be 23 or 24.  She leaned against shelves and smiled softly in my direction.  

I acknowledged her smile,   nodding in return in an effort to be polite.

What had caught my eye was that fact that she wore lipstick, a deep rich, luscious, red lipstick. Her long, straight red hair had been curled under giving her that Lauren Bacall  forties movie star appearance.

I tried desperately to ignore her, to go on about my business, turning my back to her, reaching for the afore mentioned weather mast.  To my dismay they were placed four feet off the floor and stood on end making them arduously difficult to recover.

The next time I glanced in her direction she waved lightly and her smile broadened.

I smiled in return and nodded again.

She pushed off the shelves, placing her hands behind her back and began to saunter in my direction.

I stood, turning to meet her advance.

“I’ve been watching you,” she said, swinging her shoulders lightly from side to side.

“I noticed,” I returned.

With her this close I could smell her perfume, see her perfect skin and her deep blue eyes. She was truly a beautiful young woman.

“My name is Carla,” she said and placed a warm hand on my arm.

To my surprise my shoulders pulled back, my stomach sucked in and both of their own volition.

“Hi Carla,” I said not know exactly what I should say.

“Did you need help?” she asked rubbing my arm nonchalantly.

“No, I got it.”

I couldn’t help but notice the shape of her sweet face, her full lips, her incredible body, the wanton look in her eyes.

“Don’t be like that. You’re just like my Grandpa. He won’t ask for help either,” she cooed.

“I beg your pardon?”

“Don’t be stubborn, I help my Grandpa all the time,” she said taking my hand leading me back to my cart.

Well, as you might imagine things spiraled out of control shortly after that... mean things were said, punches were thrown, shelves knocked over and the police called.... clearly it was not my fault. However, I will say Carla has one hell of a right hook.

Reviews

[Jacob Clifford]

Love that literal punchline! The "old man's" antics were amusing, and the full-circle ending is good.

[Andrew Leister-Frazier]

This story made me laugh. It is unique and unthinkable. I had to read it over again to make sure I understood. Very funny.

[Tegon Maus]

Thanks for the read Andrew... and the complement!!

[Talisa Maldonado]

This is a great story Really love it!!!

[Sebastian Romero]

Very funny and realistic, thanks for writing this! :)

[LastMonth]

Thanks for entering the contest mate.
Anyhow, to the review.

I've taken the liberty of scrolling down, so I'll avoid mentioning things that were already mentioned-- With one exception.

This story would, in my honest opinion, have a better 'Punch' to it if two facts are omitted.
First, the whole ''This is how I was arrested.''
second, ''Well you might as well imagine things spiraled out ocontrol.'' etc etc etc.

I think that after the 'Don't be stubbron I help my Grandpa all the time'' line, which is awesome--
You should just put the ''I won't detail what happened next. But let me just say, Carla has a hell of a right hook.''

Overal--
Great story man.
The twist was awesome, We so often look at mature people as if they somehow lost some things. Such as physical attraction to a smokin' hot depot worker.
Or awkwardness.

Your POV is really endearing and loveble, and you wrote him well.
Stay tuned, and thank you for the story friend.

[Taylor]

Thank you for entering my contest "The Devil Made Me Do It." I thought it might be helpful for me to send a review; mind you, this is only my opinion and every writer must be true to his or her own perceptions, so take what you can use and toss the rest. First as evidenced by the award of the "halo," I enjoyed this piece. I also commit to honest and not sugar-coated reviews. Perhaps some want those; I don't unless it's genuine. I prefer for reviewers to identify what is enjoyable and what needs more work. I try to do the same for others. Therefore...
1) Check your spelling -- isle, for example, is spelled "aisle."
2) "I was buying the material to change out an electrical service. A key component to this task is a weather mast... a ten foot long, forty pound steel pipe." The first sentence feels too generalized; the second perhaps too specific or at least specific to something not familiar -- to a neophyte "weather mast" made me think of those quaint weathervanes you see in country chic magazines. I'd suggest settling on some task for the narrator that a generalized audience could identify with.
3) "... I couldn’t help but notice an attractive young woman watching me." -- "I couldn't help but notice" is very cliché -- maybe try something more descriptive.
4) "she appeared to be 23 or 24" -- could you give some quality that explains why the narrator thought she was in her mid to early twenties?
5) " I acknowledged her smile, nodding in return in an effort to be polite." Wordy -- just say "I nodded to acknowledge her smile."
6) "curled under at the end" -- No need for "at the end." Hair if it is "curled under" is always at the end.
7) " I tried desperately to ignore her, to go on about my business, turning my back to her, reaching for the afore mentioned weather mast. To my dismay they were placed four feet off the floor and stood on end making them arduously difficult to recover." I'm wondering why he is trying to ignore her. Is his wife coming down the aisle? No need for the word "desperately" or "go on about my business". If he's ignoring her, the reader assumes he's going about his business. The description of where the pipe is seems cumbersome. It might be more effective if you show him trying to reaching, looking for something with a hook, whatever but demonstrating his struggle rather than just telling the reader.
8)“Did you need help?” This is probably a typo -- but she would say, "Do you need help.
9: The story comes alive here: "“I’ve been watching you,” she said, swinging her shoulders lightly from side to side.

“I noticed,” I returned.

With her this close I could smell her perfume, see her perfect skin and her deep blue eyes. She was truly a beautiful young woman.

“My name is Carla,” she said and placed a warm hand on my arm.

To my surprise my shoulders pulled back, my stomach sucked in and both of their own volition.

“Hi Carla,” I said not know exactly what I should say.

“Did you need help?” she asked rubbing my arm nonchalantly.

“No, I got it.”

I couldn’t help but notice the shape of her sweet face, her full lips, her incredible body, the wanton look in her eyes.

“Don’t be like that. You’re just like my Grandpa. He won’t ask for help either,” she cooed.

“I beg your pardon?”

“Don’t be stubborn, I help my Grandpa all the time,” she said taking my hand leading me back to my cart
The pace picks up because instead of telling the reader, you're allowing the reader to peek in and overhear a real conversation.

10) The ending -- i'm not at all sure you need the arrest -- it's a bit too dramatic. I think your punchline is the grandfather bit.

I hope my comments are helpful' they're meant to be. This piece has a lot of possibility and I'd love to see a re-write tightening it up.

[Caitlin Washnock]

Now that was a funny twist at the end. I was intrigued at the first sentence in the story and as I read on, I almost forgot about the jail thing, thinking it was going to be a romantic set up. But oh man you got me! That was fantastic, really well written too. Thanks for entering the contest as well and I wish you good luck!

[MelissaAndres]

Tegon - Thank you for entering this into our contest. Submissions will be accepted until October 15th. If you have friends here on WC that you feel would be interested in entering, please pass on the information. :)

[mattavelli]

I liked it. Somewhere in the story, maybe work in your age. I was thinking you were in your twenties too.