Countdown...and He's Out!!!

An unexpected but wonderful surprise:)

5 AM morning sickness
4 days in a row
3rd time we’ve heard the words
“You’re pregnant!”
2 blessings already to show
1st time I’d seen my husband
hit the floor
after the doctor said,
“Yep there’s one in there…plus one more!”

Reviews

[LawrenceRaybon]

A review for the 'A Little Joy' contest

30 words or less?
No, a little over forty words.

Subject matter?
Little bundles of joy, a joyous occasion and a joyous poem.

Rhythm?
I love the way the count down progresses the poem.

I feel like it might have been better to just spell out the last 'one' instead of using the number '1' because the count down was over at that point and the joke will come across either way. I love the joke at the end and as an expecting father I would probably also hit the floor if somehow the sonograms are wrong and we have twins.

One more thing, I really miss punctuation in this piece. I feel some periods and commas in proper places would help this piece flow much better.

Overall very enjoyable.

Cheers,
Lawrence

***Standard Disclaimer: These are my honest opinions and they are absolutely not meant as any kind of attack. I only comment on work that I think is good and only offer advice so that we can all become better writers. You are always free/welcome to heed or disregard my opinions/advice!***

[Teeya]

Thank you for your honest critique of this piece. I truly appreciate it and at your suggestion have made a change or two:) Glad you enjoyed and thanks for your time.

[Eric Weick]

Rap, must be used in a song. Love this. Love the use of numbers too.

[Teeya]

Thanks and I think a song would be adorable:)

[lissalovesyou]

Nice strucure...I like the countdown!
lissalovesyou:)

[Teeya]

Thank you...(absolutely love your name:))

[lissalovesyou]

Well, it's true!
lissalovesyou:)

[Chloe_Spence]

I like how the countdown went along with the poem- it has a strong structure and the countdown gives it a good flow :)

[Teeya]

Thank you:)