You Can't Stop Me

A Story by Eleanor

Stream of Consciousness

All these mixed emotions. All these mixed emotions. I’m stuck in my head. I’m stuck in my head. There’s happiness, there’s gratitude, but it’s overflowing with sad. It’s so messed up. He’s really gone. What a tragedy, he’s really gone. He was a friend, a brother, a clown, a friend, a brother, a support, just a part of my life now a part that’s gone. He’s really gone. I can’t believe he’s really gone. People are crying, people are weeping, people are singing, people are sad. I’m sad or am I happy. What am I. am I human? Is this real, is life real? Things like this don’t happen to me but they do, and they did. It’s happened, or has it? Why would they lie to me? He’s breathing, then he’s not, he was hanging now he’s buried. I’m missing something, I can’t find it, I’m looking for someone, but they’re not with me anymore. I left so many things untied, too many things unsaid, why didn’t I say them, oh why didn’t I say them. I should have said them. He cared about everyone. I cared about me him. Why did they say that? Only a week before. I scared him away, oh no, I scared him away. How could I do such a thing, why am I this way, I loved him as a brother, oh yes, but oh no I treated him bad, I scared him away, I scared him away and now he’s never coming back. I’ll never see his face with the cheeky grin, or will I or should I or what do I do? I wasn’t judging him, but I was too harsh, I just missed him and now I’ll miss him forever. Forever is a long time, a long long time, too long, can I wait forever, I’ll see him when forever ends. Or will I see him yes I’ll see him when forever ends. It’s the longest forever, the wildest forever. I can’t express my grief or is this even grief. I laugh I’m happy, I smile I’m in love. I really am. He’s amazing, he’s supportive, I love him. He hugs me while I cry, I hug him while I cry. I try to be good, I try to be nice, I love him. I love him oh yes I love him. He’s tall and he’s thin, but he’s strong oh so strong. He’s sad too, but is he sad? Or is he like me? Grieving but not grieving, smiling and in love, but still missing something. I’m still missing something. I love him, he’s all I need, he’s my rock, my support, my love. But why, I lost a brother. Does he understand? Yes he does, but I need to move on or I’ll be stuck in a rut. I need to move on, but where should I move? He’s going away next year, no he can’t go. I need him, I love him, what if he never comes back? You have to come back, you have to come back. Don’t leave me I love you more, see how troubled I am because I lost someone nowhere near as close as you, he was a brother, you’re my lover, youre my hero, you’re my life. I love you, yes I love you, no one is a threat. I love you yes I love you. The threat is only yourself like the threat was with my brother. He was blinded to the love people had for him, blinded to the care, blinded to the gratitude, blinded to the despair. We loved him, oh my friends cry, my friends are sad. We miss him. Don’t be blinded like him, no don’t be blinded by yourself, I love you, always remember I love you. I always love you, you’re my dream, youre my forever. You’re my family. Oh please stay with me this wild forever. Stay with me always. He betrayed me, he betrayed us, he left. Oh why did he leave. He more than left, he’s dead, he’s dead. He’s really gone. Where did he go? I know where he is. But how did he get there, how could he be there he doesn’t belong there no he doesn’t belong there. People are so fickle minded people are so insensitive people are stupid people are naïve why do I care oh why do I care. You’re not a person you’re a bear, you understand my anger at those people. Those people who mock an expression of the pain, the turmoil, the longing for death, oh I’ve been there. You have no right to mock, you need to stop, you need to shut up, you really need to stop. It’s not funny when someone tries to hurt themselves, its not funny when someone tries to suffocate themselves, it’s not funny, I’ve been there it was serious to me. I just wanted to make it look peaceful I just wanted to make it seem an accident, I just wanted my family not to blame themselves. But I got a second chance, why didn’t he get a second chance. Oh why didn’t he, he deserved it more then me. I’m lucky I see the truth, I am loved, I have love, I am cared for I have care. Why did he go. Don’t you dare stop me writing about this, it’s not stupid, it’s not cliché it’s not boring its raw its real, it’s a matter of life or death. I survived but others don’t, I’m alive but others aren’t. I’m getting help but others aren’t others need it, others want it others are just too scared or too stubborn or too far past the stage of caring about their life. The lack of fear of pain, death, it’s scary but it’s not, it’s scary that it’s not. I know I’ve been there, don’t stop me writing. I need to write I need to give help, people need to relate, people need something to relate too. There is hope I need to show hope but there is no hope. He’s gone it’s too late, nobody should follow. But they will and they are. Just stop just stop please just stop. You need to stop. You need to stop. Don’t do this to me, don’t do this to others. We love you, yes you. You have worth don’t go, you are important, don’t leave. Please don’t leave. I love you. Lover don’t leave me. I need to save, I need to help, oh I know I’ve been there. I have scars, I have pain, I’m still recovering oh don’t do it, don’t do it, just don’t do it. There’s tears, they’re mixed with blood, oh it’s clear but its red. The blood streams, the blood pours, death, hes gone oh no. oh no. He’s really gone. I can’t believe he’s gone, it’s not right, it’s really not right. Don’t stop me, you can’t stop me, I won’t stop no I won’t stop. I will write till my fingers no longer can move, I’ll love I’ll live. I need to give. I have more to give, I have a purpose, I need to do something, I need to keep going. I need to help. I love you. Oh why did you leave? Yes you, why did you leave? Come back, you can’t come back why can’t you come back oh no you can’t come back you’re gone, you can’t hear me you can’t see me you can’t feel the dirt upon you. You’re gone, you’re really gone. I need sleep but I can’t sleep. I’m tired oh I’m tired I will sleep but I won’t rest I will lay my head still but the inside is wild. Sleep my soul sleep my soul. Make it through another night. Oh yes make it through another night.