A Shell You Pick Up Off the Beach, and Scream

Take it away.

Illusive darkness here, and a brilliance right beside and within it.

Every aspect of life around me.

Menacing pines towering tall.

Lovely willows swaying in a breeze, while another is alight with fire from the dryness of that menacing sun. I stand beneath it and my skin bubbles and my head throbs.

But there is rain…in a spot, it pours. In another, it stings the flesh and I cry out. Beyond that it cascades and within its belly, I smile and look up so that it may wash away my tears.

There is a chorus of sound and there are intermixing screams of dread and cries of anguish; it never stops.

I stand in a circle of graves. Their names facing the other direction, I cannot see them.

The cold freezes me to the core, but I can still feel.

I cry out in joy and sadness and guilt and anger all in one loud sound. I fall to my knees, yet I am still standing.

Every aspect of life is there.

Scalpels fly and cut my skin. IVs pierce my flesh. Cancer floats just inside my view.

Friends laugh in the background and their smiles appear amid the light and dark sky.

The moon and sun are best friends. The clouds are filled with stars.

Everything is above and below and in the middle. Stark contrasts do not exist. Everything just “is“. No black and white. No night and day, because it is all one thing. One immense aspect of living.

And I want it all gone.

Take away this dirt beneath my feet. Take away the pencil in my hand, and my soul will slowly disappear with it.

Let it all blur into one ugly color and be erased.

The trees smudge and the clouds explode. One by one they vanish.

The graves turn to mist and flow away with the wind. The acid rain burns the metal tools and they drip away, as if it were paint poured on a canvas.

My friends fall away and the laugh dies.

The scream is cut off and I know it is killed.

The fire sizzles, furious because of the painful end in which it endured. The rain is not to be seen, there is only drought.

All weather is gone. The stars are plucked and thrown.

The clouds are gobbled up.

No moon.

No sun.

I smile in this vast darkness.

My mouth opens wide. “Take it all…Make it stop! I don’t want it anymore…”

My voice leaves. It ascends up my throat and out of my mouth. Heat rises, a warm feeling, like lukewarm, sticky honey. It leaves my mouth and flows white in a thin stream. It swivels and dances away from me. It is the last light I will ever see.

I feel tears fall down my face and they quickly evaporate, taking every essence of water from behind my eyes.

I try to scream out, and remember my dancing voice. I want to cry…

But, slowly, I feel no more terror. I am no longer afraid. Life. Death. Time. Existence. It is all just something that begins and ends.

I spread my arms wide and fall onto my back in a new state of euphoria. I feel joy, but my smile fades away.

A moment of dark depression fills every vein and muscle. I lie still and the hopelessness overtakes me. The guilt fills me and just as soon as it had come, it was gone. The blackness oozes out of every pore and out of my nose and nostrils. Images of her. Images of blood. Images of death. Images…everywhere, they leave my memory. I escape this heaviness and float away.

Floating higher, floating away from nothing and into nothing.

Then a burning pain sears my body. I arch my back and clench my fists. Blood drizzles from my hand, but I only know the bruising that comes from my heart and fills my throat.

From the neck he kissed, down to the heart that he captured, a loud thundering noise comes. My bones break apart and my flesh tears into one long thin slit. Lively tendrils of blood protrude from the wound and grab hold of my sides and push itself off and away from me, taking a gooey mess, that is my heart, with it.

I have no voice.

But I sigh from the relief.

Images of your face. The feeling of your arms and of your kiss. Your smile. Everything, every joy I felt with you, every time I cried. Gone…

And I do not care…

There is nothing left to take. So as my bloody heart and images of you parade around me, it never ends. My blood follows and I am empty. Nothing but a shell.

Everything is before me.

Every aspect of life is there.

I have not seen it all.

But I have seen enough.

And I remember my sight…And I remember his eyes, they glittered…then they didn’t…

Life leaves through the eyes. Shining and gleaming till dull. You can see the transition.

TAKE IT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No Blood. No Love. No Sorrow. No Regret. No Guilt. No Fear. No Memories. No Friends. No Heart. No Feeling.

But the sparkle is still there…

Author's Note

This is about a plethera of people. Aunt, ex boyfriend (he only got one paragraph), and my grandpa. Oh, and me! Just a vomiting grief, it is nice closure