Chater Nine

Chapter Nine

     I went straight to my room when I got home after school.  Thankfully no one saw me come in so there were no confrontations that I had to search my infinitely small happy place to find a smile to show my parents that things were just so fine.  As I walked through my bedroom door I nudged it closed with my toe and then dropped my book bag on the floor.  I sat down on the edge of my bed and took a deep breath and slowly let it out as I laid back onto my bed. 

     “What am I going to do?” I uttered to myself.

     I cleared my head and tried to form a single coherent thought.  My book bag.  I sat upright maybe a little too quickly. I had to give my head a moment to stop spinning. Once the room readjusted itself I grabbed my bag and pulled out my notebook. Inside I had tucked away several papers that I had collected that day.  D…E…D…C…A.  A?  I looked at the top of the paper and it was a 5 question multiple choice gym quiz. Wow. I slid down to the floor and spread them all out around me and then opened my notebook that was lying beside me. I slowly flipped through. There were some pages that had brief notes in fairly normal handwriting. As I continued to flip through the pages, they transformed into someone else’s handwriting. Sentences were incomplete and homework assignments were jotted down carelessly in inconspicuous corners of the page. I tugged my book bag onto my lap and dug through it until I found my planner.  I glanced through this week’s pages and they were completely empty! I brushed through last week’s and they were empty too! The planner slipped from my fingers as I tilted my head back and rested it on the side of my bed desperately searching for memories of each class and there just wasn’t any. I had done NOTHING!  I had completely let go of school for weeks! I had done no homework. I had written no notes. I had failed tests! What would my parents say? What would they say? What HAVE you been doing?

     “Well”, I began to answer my own question, “I’ve killed a budding friendship, embarrassed myself in front of the whole school, upset copious amounts of people, and hid in the girl’s restroom. Although my efforts weren’t totally on my work, I can’t say my time was fruitless.  Grrrrr!”

     I took another cleansing breath and knew that I had spent just WAY too much time on this whole drama that I let get totally out of control. I needed to just set it aside for one moment and plan how to recapture my academics. Tomorrow was Friday. I glanced up at the calendar and noticed that report cards were due out tomorrow! Oh fantastic! The first bead of sweat developed on my lip as I felt my stomach turn over and the color drain from my face. I glanced down at the papers spread out on the floor and they offered no relief from my moment of complete and utter despair. Friday. Tomorrow. Report Cards. 

     “I am so dead,” I uttered to myself.

     I, slowly and without feeling, started to push the piles of papers into a single pile. I tapped them lightly on the carpet which honestly didn’t do anything more than make them more crooked than they were. I scrunched them back into my book bag and scrunched my notebook in as well which crushed the papers even more and held them captive at the very bottom of my bag. I didn’t care. I needed a plan. While deep in thought I heard a knock on my door and my mom call through. Dinner! Had I been on the floor that long? So this is what it feels like to have an out of body experience. I looked around my room and it was like I had been somewhere else. Hell probably. The sun had gone down who knows when and long shadows were playing on my walls. I got up onto my feet and my back and knees creaked from being in one position for so long. I rubbed my neck and shook out my legs and reluctantly made my way towards the kitchen.

     “Were you sleeping?” my mom asked as I entered the kitchen.

     Everyone was already sitting at the table. I could tell by their expressions that I had an unusual look on my face. I was still feeling like I was in dream country and things were just not real. I fought back the urge to pinch someone just to make sure and settled for scratching the denim of my jeans. I could hear the fabric against my nails and so could everyone else which added to their concern for my condition. 

     “Please baby,” my mom softly said as she reached over for my hand, “sit down and get some food. Are you feeling alright?”

     “Fine”, I managed to utter.

     I took the bowl of peas my mom handed to me and began, with a great deal of effort, to spoon a few onto my plate.

     “So! From what I hear we’ll be seeing some report cards tomorrow afternoon!” my Dad spoke in a cheery voice that, from what I figured, was supposed to promote some upcoming excitement.  Gravity got the best of me, as both my spoon and my peas fell with a clang onto the table.  All eyes turned towards me, once again, with mouths agape.  “Slippery” was all I could manage to utter.  My momentary lapse of control was enough to change the dinnertime conversation to Brian’s upcoming football game.

     “Hey Trinity”, my Dad began, “do you know Steve Hawkins.”

     Once again, I was totally caught off guard. I wondered if the peas had anything to do with it since a spoonful had just been lifted to my mouth and about half of the contents dumped onto my plate just like little lemmings off of a cliff. 

    “Uh-huh”, I softly replied while trying to recapture the fleeing peas.

     “Do you have any classes with him?”

     “Yeah Dad. Grammar.”

     “He seems like a really nice guy.”

     “Yeah, I guess so.” I was trying to slyly dismiss the conversation.

     “Well, he just had some really nice things to say about you.”

     “Recently?” I asked as my head popped up.

     “Well, yeah. He said that you seem to be a very caring person and a good friend.”

     “Really?” I let my spoon lightly meet the plate as the peas escaped once again.

     At this point my dad looked like he was a bit uncomfortable. He cleared his throat and began mixing stuff around on his plate and stuffing spoonfuls into his mouth. It’s hard to talk with a full mouth. My mom was just taking it all in. She was looking from my dad to me and back to my dad. I started to get this overwhelming feeling that I would be seeing her again this evening. 

     I was right. As I lay in bed later that night forming thoughts of school recovery or an abrupt disappearance, I heard my mom lightly rap on the door, let herself in and quietly walk over to my bed.

     “Are you sure you are alright?” she asked obviously worried.

     “Yes Mom. I’m fine.”

     “You have something on your mind. You can tell me if you want to.”

     “It’ll play out in its own time. Really, I’ll cope.” I tried to force a smile.

     She bent down and kissed my forehead. The kiss lasted longer than a moment and I could tell that she just wanted to make it all go away for me. That was the one consistent thing in my whole life and that was my mom. She always let me fall and work things out on my own, but I could always see in her eyes how much it hurt her to have that kind of control. I really appreciated her respect though. I knew she was there and I would definitely need her, but right now I needed to try to get up on my own. She sat up a bit and looked at me and I could see a little glimmer of tears in her eyes. I would be in her thoughts for quite a while. 

     “I love you,” she whispered.

     “I love you too,” I whispered back and truly meant it.

     The ride to school was quiet. Meg sat next to me while Maggie and Marissa sat in the seat in front of me.  I was paging through my notebook and taking mental notes as to where I went astray. I sent an email to Amber last night and asked her for copies of her Geography notes in which she was happy to do for me. I did the same with Becca and her Earth Science notes. Of course, I got a reply back saying that this was the first and last time and she didn’t reward people for not taking care of their own responsibilities. She’s such a breath of fresh air. I also found Lester’s email address in the student directory and he was happy to give me his entire collection of Grammar notes “thus far”. I didn’t really need all of that, but I was thankful that he was so responsive especially considering the way I treated him. I would talk to Mr. Doyle myself and see if there is anything I could do to raise my grade in pre-algebra or at least practice a bit of the stuff that I should have learned while I was playing drama queen.  The girls didn’t say a word to me, but I could tell that they wanted to.  They sat quietly and look from one to the other and back again. I didn’t even notice Chris walking onto the bus. That was over. I had other plans and they were all school related. 

     I headed off the bus with a mission. Even Mr. Bill looked up at me with a concerned expression as I brushed past him, out the door and straight to my locker.  Becca was standing at my locker when I got there with a manila folder in her hand.

     “Here is your get out of jail card. I hope you use it wisely because I don’t do this for just anyone.”

     “I know Becca. I really do appreciate this. Honestly. I hope this doesn’t happen again.”

     “Don’t hope. Just don’t do it again. See ya in 4^th,” Becca said with a hair flip and began to saunter down the hall.

     I quickly hustled to homeroom and reached my seat just as the bell rang.  Mrs. Sanchez was up from her desk and standing in front of the room. She paced back and forth and looked at each student smiling as well as taking glances at the clock. In her hands she held a stack of envelopes and we all knew what they were. They were either our golden tickets or our proclamation of guilt. Finally, the speaker which hung over the chalkboard came to life with crackling and a voice that boomed “Please stand up for the Pledge of Allegiance”. At that exact moment, Becca came flying into the room and landed in her seat in one fluent movement.  She set down her things on the floor and took a quick glance in my direction.  We all stood up and focused our attention to the American flag with hands over our hearts and recited the stanzas that had been burned into our brains since preschool. Next, we were told to “Please be seated” and the usual round of announcements came through by means of the student aides who worked in the office.  

     “Mrs. Sanchez is looking for a few 2-year Spanish students to help acclimate four foreign exchange students from South America.”

     Mrs. Sanchez held out her hands and looked around with a pleading look that made us all laugh. 

     “Football try outs will be held after school. Meet Coach Jenkins at the bleachers. The drama club’s Fall presentation will be next week. Please make sure you buy a ticket! Now, here is Mr. Montclaire with an additional announcement concerning report cards. Take it away Mr. Montclaire!”

     “Thank you Kevin for your extreme exuberance on this beautiful Friday morning. I hope that it will continue after I hand you your report card.”

     Everyone laughed at Mr. Montclaire’s comment and he gave us a while to settle down before he started again.

     “I am proud to be the principal of Sumner Bay High School. We have a wonderful staff here as well as a wonderful student body. Remember that you are working through your final years of formal, public education. You have already committed quite a bit of time already to your education. I hope that each and every one of you strive to be the best that you possibly can be academically so that your pursuit of a fulfilling and profitable career will be within your reach.  Thank you. Teachers you may hand out the report cards. We will delay the bell an extra 5 minutes.”

     I took my report card with trembling hands when Mrs. Sanchez handed it to me.  I think she knew my fears as she weakly smiled at me. Of course, she had no idea of what lay in my hands, but I’m sure by my expression she could probably guess.  I gingerly opened the envelope as the rest of the report cards were being handed out.

Art A

Pre-Algebra D

Geography D

Earth Science C

Gym B

Grammar D

     My only thought…my parents are going to kill me.

     “My parents are going to kill me!” I exclaimed to Becca as we walked out of homeroom.

     “Can I have the posters in your locker?”

     “It’s not funny Becca. I’m serious. Look!”

     “Well…you got an A in Art and B in Gym. It’s not all doom and gloom.”

     I just gave her a “come on!” look. 

     “Okay Trinity. It’s the first quarter. It’s not hopeless. You KNEW that this was going to happen. You’ve already taken steps to correct the problem. I think that if you show your parents the piles of other people’s notes,” Becca stressed other people’s, “then I’m sure that they won’t kill you. They are reasonable people right?”

     “Yes.”

     “Then continue with your note collecting, talk to your teachers, DO YOUR WORK, and leave other people’s business to other people. Also, you may need less of this too.”

     Becca handed me a folded up piece of paper.

     “What’s this?” I asked as I took the paper from her.

     “I had to go back to my locker right before the bell rang. That’s why I was late. I saw it sticking out of your locker door.”

     I opened the carefully folded paper and read the neatly typed words.

Follow me to the hilltop

Hold on to my hand

Let me dance to the sound of your laughing

And find home in your smile

     I handed it back to Becca and watched her face as she read the beautiful words.

     “That is really beautiful Trinity. It sounds almost like a poem. Have you read all the notes together?”

     “No. I haven’t,” I said as I took back the note and stuck it in my purse. 

     I said my goodbyes to Becca as well as more thank yous for the notes and started my day on the road to absolution.  Art remained uncomfortable under the hurt gazes of Star. Our project was put on hiatus for the moment so that now we were working independently. I was thankful for the space that offered. Pre-Algebra found me at Mr. Doyle’s desk at the beginning of class humbly asking for extra work.

     “I can’t change that D on your report card Trinity,” Mr. Doyle apologetically told me. “You just don’t seem to be in class lately.”

     “I know Mr. Doyle. My head has somewhere else, but I promise that I’ll pay more attention.”

     “Well,” he began, “let me tell you what. I’ll give you some make-up work that has the answers in the back of your book so that you can check your work. On your own time, you can catch up with the rest of your class. I’ll ask Mary if you can copy her notes and from now on how about we try to stay focused.”

     “That sounds good. Thank you Mr. Doyle.”

     “I do have to admit Trinity, I admire your conviction to fix your issues before they become real problems.”

     “Thanks. I’ll do my best.”

     I got Mary’s notes and copied them while everyone else was given time to start their homework. When I first walked into class this year, I thought Mr. Doyle was a real freak, but I got a new perspective of him today. I really appreciated his help and didn’t want to let him down.

     I followed up the rest of the day in the same manner.  I was really proud of myself and my teachers seemed really proud of me too. They were all more than happy to tell me how I could raise my grades and made sure I was prepared with all the right material. They all said that they admired my tenacity and was looking forward to seeing my grades come up and that all I had to do was ask if I needed any further help. I got a good sense of admiration myself and by the time I got to Grammar I was feeling pretty spiffy. I was feeling spiffy until…Steve.  As soon as I entered the door I could see the same expression I saw on his face the other day. It was disgust mingled with sadness with a drop of pity.  Hurt. There was a lot of hurt. I didn’t understand that part of it. Yeah, I made a fool of myself, but why should that be any of his concern.  When Lester came in, he gave me a folder of all his Grammar notes.

     “You know Lester,” I began, “this is really decent of you.”

     “You’re welcome Trinity. I’m glad that I could help you.”

     “I’m also sorry for the horrible way I treated you and that has nothing to do with you giving me your notes.”

     “Thanks. Maybe we could just start over.”

     “Sure,” I said with a smile.

     “Hi. I’m Lester Polansky.” He held out his hand.

     “Hi Lester. I’m Trinity Thompson.” I shook his hand.

     Lester sat down in his seat and then it was time for yet another pleading to another teacher. As soon as Ms. Keys came in I walked up front to speak with her. She was very understanding like all the other teachers. I showed her all of Lester notes and she reassuringly patted my shoulder and said that she appreciated my honesty and would help me in any way I needed. As I headed back to my seat, I saw Steve glance up and weakly smile. For some odd reason, his smile lifted my heart just a little and made the day just that much better.  After class Steve was waiting for me outside the door.

     “Hey.”

     “Hey yourself.”

     “That was some show you put on yesterday,” Steve cautiously said.

     “I know. I’m really sorry for that and I feel like a complete idiot.”

     Steve just looked at me without a response so I felt like I needed to continue.

     “For some reason, I feel I need to apologize to you. If I said anything that hurt your feelings, then I’m sorry. I haven’t been myself lately, but I’m trying.”

     This seemed to make him feel better because I could feel the air around him ease a little and he began to look more comfortable.

     “I see your trying to redeem yourself academically,” he said and tapped on the folder that Lester had given me.

     “Yea, I’ve been making some harsh mistakes and I need to stop. Now I have to go home and deal with one more consequence of my behavior.”

     “Well, if you need someone to talk to since, if what I’m thinking is correct, you may not be seeing anyone for a while, then email me.”

     Steve gave me a piece of paper that said “if you need a friend” and his email address. I thanked him and started walking off towards my locker to get my things and catch the bus. As I got a ways down the hall, I took a quick glance behind me and saw Steve still standing at the classroom door. A corner of his mouth rose to form a sly smile which I begrudgingly returned. He dipped his head down as he turned to walk down the hall only to turn once again to catch my gaze for a brief second.  I took a deep breath not unlike the many I took last night, but this one was to slow my heart and pray that it wouldn’t jump through my body as I floated to my locker and home on my own personal cloud.