Chapter Eight

Chapter Eight

     “Who wrote this Trinity?” Marissa said as she slid the note from my fingers.

     I was still laying face down on my arms and just shook my head from side to side to let her know that I didn’t know who.  Maggie took the note from Marissa and read it.  When I peeked through the cracks of my fingers I could see the two of them looking at each other with puzzled looks.  I slowly lifted up my head and their gazes drifted towards me.

     “Have you gotten other letters?” Maggie asked.

     “I’ve gotten five, but one was from Lester Polansky and I can pretty much be certain that he’ll never do that again.”

     “Trinity, these are love letters,” Marissa stated in a tone meant for my understanding.

     “Yeah, so?”

     “So?” Marissa questioned.  “You’re carrying on about Chris and Star and here you have some guy you don’t even know writing you incredibly romantic letters!  Who cares about Chris!  What is he doing for you?  What about this guy?”

     Marissa threw the letter on the table and got up and walked away.  Meg and Maggie got up and followed her out, but not before they looked at me with eyes that echoed Marissa’s sentiments.  I picked up the letter and looked over it.  Marissa was so totally right.  I glanced up and my gazed caught Star and again she was with the senior.  They were looking over some papers together and giggling.  I couldn’t just sit there and watch.  It was such a ridiculous show as Star whipped her hair and threw her head back in a bewitching laugh and the senior just fed right into it.  I grabbed my things and headed towards my locker.  Two more wonderful classes to go and then I was free to go hide my head under my pillow and hope everyone would forget who I was.

     It seemed liked people were already forgetting who I was as soon as I entered the gym.  I walked through the door and immediately noticed Summer and Star sitting together.  Summer was hovering over Star like she was a victim of a hideous crime, but Star just sat straight up and looked at me dead in the eyes.  She didn’t waiver and she didn’t accuse.  She just stared as if she was trying to get into my head and understand why I was being the way I was.  I wished I could do the same thing and as I tried to keep her gaze my conscious, which was burning, kept turning my eyes downward.  I crept up the bleachers and sat in the back corner.  When Mr. Jenkins called my name for role it took three calls of “here” to finally get him to notice me and took everything I had to squeak out the final “here”.  

     Grammar wasn’t any better.  As soon as I walked in, Steve’s hurt glare cut right into my heart and once again my eyes couldn’t make contact with yet another person I burned.  I oozed into my seat and set my head on my hand and focused all of my attention on the teacher although my concentration was empty.  I could feel Steve’s gaze on me and I could feel the back of my neck turning red and an uncomfortable heat began to wash over me.  So this is what my freshman year is going to be like?  The pity party that was beginning to brew swirled inside my head.  The more I thought about Star and Chris and Steve the more my eyes began to sting.  I knew the tears were coming.  I was slowly reaching the point in which I had entirely no control over my body.  The first tear rolled down and, of course, that one just beckoned more.  I tried to catch them one by one.  It was like some hideous video game.  How many tears could I wipe off with my hand before they a) became too many or b) my hand pruned up from all of the moisture.  My throat became all prickly and began to seize and I knew I was in trouble.  Quick think!  My hand darted up.

     “Yes, Ms. Thompson?” Ms. Keys asked.

     “May I use the restroom?” I asked in a garbled tone.

     “I’m sorry. What did you say?” She asked in a clearly irritated tone.

     “May I use the restroom?” I asked again after first clearing my throat.

     “Can this wait?”

     “I guess so,” I waivered and sat back into the hard wooden chair.

     What a lame attempt on my part.  I had but one chance of escape.  I had just one road out and what did I do but throw an obstacle right in my way.  I was just walking along a dark and lonely road and willfully walked clear off of a cliff. What was my problem?  Involuntarily my eyes darted over towards Steve and I could see the expression on his face.  It had lost some of it’s hurt look and started to take on a more concerned expression.  I leaned back in my seat and slunk down a bit and just laid my head on my hand.  The day has got to come to an end at some point. 

By the end of class I felt a bit more composed.  I was numb all over, but had regained control of my tear ducts.  The bell rang and slowly I collected my things.  I felt like all my energy had been drained out of me.  I waited until most of the class had left before I glanced over at Steve’s seat.  In my heart I expected to see him sitting there and that same heart was the one that fell into my toes when I saw the seat was empty.  So much for concern.  Maybe I had read his expression wrong.  I lumbered out of the classroom door and down the hall to my locker.  I made sure to get all of the books that I would need for homework although I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing.  I had plenty of time now to do my assignments.  By the time I got to the bus, most of the seats had been taken.  I stood at the front of the bus and looked around.  I glanced down at my toes that were lined up perfectly with the white ‘Do Not Cross’ line.  What was it about this line that held just enough magic in it to make me pause right there?  I felt huge looking down the bus aisle.  No one was paying attention to me, yet in my head everyone gawked at me. 

     “Are you going to stand there the whole time?” 

     I looked over and saw Marissa slowly waving me over to her.  Like the heroine of a bad dream, I aimlessly shuffled over to where Marissa was sitting and lowered myself onto the seat.  

     “Did a zombie bite you?”

     “No.”

     “Look Trinity,” Marissa began, “I don’t mean to make you feel worse, but only you have the power to make all of this go away.  What is it about Chris anyway?”

     “I don’t know,” I said as I looked over through the window.  

     Through the musty bus window I saw Star with the senior.  Their foreheads were together and they were holding each others hands on their hearts and were talking.  They were very impassioned and dramatic and I couldn’t understand why she would keep stringing Chris along like she was.  Obviously it was the senior she was interested in.  It was a cruel game and Chris was just far too nice.  

     The bus trip progressed in thoughtful silence.  Marissa didn’t say anything more and I was thankful for that.  I could see Chris in my peripheral vision and he kept his head down.  I wondered if he knew about this guy or had heard any of the rumors.  Where people actually talking?  Was I confusing my world with reality?  And what of Steve?  Why did he care so much about what was going on in life?  All of it was very consuming and I was thankful for my involuntary body movements like breathing.  I don’t think I could have remembered to do that on my own.  When the bus came to a clanking stop I collected a woeful glance from Mr. Bill and lethargically moved down the steps and towards my house.  I could sense Maggie and Meg watching me go, but they didn’t make any effort to say anything to me.  I figured that they were either disappointed in me, as was everyone else, or just couldn’t think of anything to say.  Either way it was fine with me.  I really didn’t want any more conversation any more than I wanted anymore thoughts.  Coma.  High school coma.  That’s what I am in.  Don’t people wake up from comas with brain damage?

     “Art project!” exclaimed Ms. St. Claire, she handed out tiny sheets of paper.

     I opened my slip of paper to see Star’s name and at the same time Star glanced up and looked my way.  I knew my expression read surprise just as I could read her expression which screamed anxiety.  Fate is a cruel puppet master.  It just dangled us on our strings and we, as puppets, must accept and make cheesecake out of the cream cheese mush we’re given and let me tell you, I was in some mush.  Ms. St. Claire explained that we would be tracing each others’ bodies for a project next week.  There were large sheets of paper on the back table and we had to lie down on the floor while our “buddy” traced us.  Of course, there was limited amount of space so we could only go two couples at a time.

     “Okay! So get to it buddies!” Ms. St. Claire chimed with a clap of her hands.

     Star approached me cautiously and was the first to say “Hi”.  I responded with a “Hi” without meeting her eyes.  

     “There’s space over by the windows if you’re ready,” Star said.

     I simply nodded my head and followed her over to where the long stacks of paper were.  I was the first to lie down and be traced and then she took her turn.  I looked down at our tracings and they were so similar.  How can two outlines of two people be so similar, but the people be so different?  

     “If it matters at all to you,” Star started, “I really miss your friendship.”

     With that being said, Star turned around and walked back to her seat and left me standing alone again with yet another day’s worth of tears fighting the barrier that was desperately struggling to hold them back.  

     “In the next couple of weeks,” began Ms. St. Claire, “we are going to get back together with our buddies and it’s our buddies that are going to be decorating your outlines.  I purposely tried to pick friends so that you already know a little bit about your buddy.  If you didn’t get a chance to outline your buddy, we’ll be working on them again tomorrow.  We’ve been requisitioned by the drama department for a little artistic help so we’ll complete our buddies after the drama production.”

     We would be decorating our friend’s outline?  Ms. St. Claire purposely picked Star and I because she thought we were friends. Were we? I missed our friendship too. Star didn’t look at me for the rest of the class period. I sat on my stool what felt like a world away thinking maybe I should just apologize and let everything die. I just didn’t know how to begin or what to say. Why didn’t she apologize? She was the one carrying on like a fool with two men! While lost in the thoughts of apology and self-righteousness the bell rang.  The sound of the bell, crass and obtrusive, seemed to strip all of those thoughts away. Whether they were right or wrong, they were gone and I glanced up at the clock. “Algebra” I exhaled as if it were a meditative mantra and I slowly got up.  Devoid of all clear thinking, I made my way to my Algebra class and took my seat. The other students sat at their desks. I looked around as if they were all alien to me. Some were listening, some were writing and some were thumbing through the text all the while I sat hoping that I blended in with them yet truly believing that I didn’t. 

     As soon as I could escape Algebra, I headed to geography. That would make 3 classes down and only 3 more classes to torment myself with until I could go home and escape it all for only what would be a brief time. Just when I thought the day couldn’t get any worse, as soon as I took my seat in Geography and glanced up at the chalkboard to read the words “Test today Chapters 1 and 2”. I nervously looked around the room. My eyes caught Summer with her head on one hand and lazily turning a pen end over end.  She looked at me with her eyebrows scrunched as if she was trying to say “What’s wrong?”. I reached down quickly to grab my book. Maybe I could scan the pages and something would imbibe into my mind. I unzipped my book bag and as I did I glanced back again at Summer.  She now wore a smirk and slowly pointed her pen to the front of the classroom. Without sitting up, my head followed where her pen lead and my heart sunk. Mr. Brooks. He was opening his briefcase and removing the tests. I was too late.

     Each test was laid out in front of each student. I looked at the test as if I were looking down at a plate of liver and onions. A lump stuck in my throat and I knew that no good could come of this. I could not do it. That just wasn’t an option. I could do it and get everything wrong which would only prove that I didn’t know the material. Lastly, I could do the test and get everything right and there would be no problem. Since I didn’t study, nor have I been doing much of my homework lately, the second option seemed to be most fitting. Not the most appeasing, but hence the most fitting. I took my time and slowly tried to mark the most common sense answers, but hey, when you are looking at dates then one is really no better than the next. Thankfully there weren’t too many of those. When I was done, I sluggishly began to gather my things while the whole time keeping at good look at the other students. Mr. Brooks seemed to be glancing over everyone’s tests as they turned them in so my plan was to lump mine in with a group of people, but I had to wait for a group to finish together. It wasn’t long before four people began to pack up and make the trip down the aisle to lay their papers on Mr. Brooks’ desk. Summer was among the other students in the group so I jumped quickly in front of her and set down my paper on the stack which allowed her to put hers on top of mine leaving Mr. Brooks to peruse through hers instead of mine.

     “So how do you think you did?” Summer said casually strolling up next to me.

     “Why are you talking to me?” I answered her trying to talk over the voice in my head screaming at me to shut up.

     “I’m not really. I was just interested in your excuse as to why you, the amazing Trinity, weren’t ready for a test that was announced last week.”

     I stopped and turned to her and just gazed at her without a spoken word. She smiled a satisfied grin, turned on her heel and strutted down the hallway purely satisfied with herself.  Earth Science went by uneventfully. It was too easy to drown out what the three layers of the Earth was made from. I looked like I was playing the part.  I tried hard not to glance over at Star, but I could see her and I could tell that she too was trying to do the same thing I was.  I could even feel Becca and Karyn behind me and knew that they too were paying attention, but not at Mr. Keating.  I watched with vacant eyes that held no thoughts as Mr. Keating pace back and forth in the front of the class. I was getting tired and just didn’t want to think anymore. It felt good to turn everything off. Unfortunately, nothing was entering either so Mr. Keating’s speech at how miraculous our Earth is was reaching deaf ears. Houston we have a problem!

     My salvation came in the form of Marissa standing at my locker after class.  She stood there with Meg and Maggie waiting to pull me away into what I hoped was a moment of emancipated conversation. 

     “How goes it?” Marissa started.

     “Well, I’ve been assigned to be buddies with Star in Art and much to the delight of Summer, I failed a Geography test and don’t even ask me what Mr. Keating was talking about in Earth Science.”

     “Sounds like a good morning to me. Let’s get some chow!”

     We all began to walk towards the cafeteria when it happened. In every catastrophic event in one’s life there must be a climax. There must be a crescendo that makes or breaks the very essence of the situation. This was it. Down the hall, against the locker, and there she was. Star and The Senior locked together in a fiery osculation that would make Summer herself blush. I could feel my blood pressure soar and I could hear my heartbeat in my ears and, without willing them to, my feet began to move in their direction.

     “Hey! Trinity!” Marissa yelled and afterward I could hear an “Oh no.” when her eyes followed to where my body was moving. 

     “Oh Trinity. This is not good.” Marissa mumbled to herself yet loud enough for others close by to hear.

     I reticently edged closer to the pair until I was standing right beside them. Star opened one eye and took a minute to focus on my face that immediately broke the kiss and set her at alarm. The few seconds of silence seemed to take hours and in that time a few people had begun to gather. They could read the body language and see the pain in our eyes. The Senior had begun to get a bit nervous and stepped back a step. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Chris and beside him I could see Steve. Too late now.  Too late now to back away.  Too late now to smile and make nice. I had stepped over the line of commitment. I was there.

     “Trinity, this is Tom”, Star weakly said and motioned towards The Senior. 

     “Has he met Chris?” I shot back.

     “Who?” Star nervously said without thinking.

     “Your boyfriend Star! The guy that you are supposed to be dating! I can’t believe that it is alright with you to stand in the hallways every stinking day sucking face with this guy while Chris is eating lunch in the cafeteria or talking with his friends. Everyone sees you! Everyone knows! How could you do this to such a great guy?”

     Unbeknownst to me, someone had whispered something into Marissa’s ear. She nodded her understanding and began to wiggle her way through the throng of people who had gathered until she could get to me. 

     “You need to step down now,” she whispered in my ear.

     The tears, which had fought so valiantly against their restraints, gained their freedom and they began to flow. The tears raced down my face like the running of the bulls in Pamplona. One after the other they followed each other and then more. The tears raced and combined and claimed mutiny on my cheeks and won with a choking sob and my collapse onto Marissa’s shoulder. She quietly led me to the nearest bathroom where I stepped into a stall and sought solace there…alone. 

     “You can’t stay in there forever you know,” Marissa told me as soon as the door of the stall shut.

     “I’ll come out when the janitors say everyone’s gone,” I choked.

     “Yea, that’s a good plan because you know your mother isn’t going to be looking for you when you don’t step off the bus this afternoon.”

     “You can tell her I’m in the bathroom.”

     “You’re joking right? Oh, Hi Mrs. Thompson! You don’t know me, but Trinity asked me to tell you that she’s in the school bathroom and isn’t leaving so don’t worry. I can’t wait to see her reaction to that one!”

     “She will come and get me.”

     “Oh my gosh! I am SO not going to tell your mother you are in the bathroom! Don’t even expect me to!” 

     “Trinity?” Maggie whispered as her and Meg walked into the bathroom.

     “Is she okay?” Meg asked Marissa.

     “I’m right here people! Am I fine? Not really!”

     “But she’s okay enough to be sarcastic,” Marissa chimed in.

     “What am I going to do now?” I uttered and slowly stepped out of the bathroom stall.

     “Oh Trinity,” Maggie began, “I’m not quite sure, but you can’t stay in here.”

     “I know. Marissa has already discussed that with me. Did Chris see the whole thing?”

     “Yup. That guy in your English class left though. He looked really upset. Do you know him well?” Meg asked.

     “Steve?”

     “Who’s Steve, Trinity?” Marissa asked.

     “He sits beside me in Ms. Keys’ class.”

     “Why would he be upset?” Marissa asked while looking between Meg and Trinity.

     “Who knows,” I answered and started the long process of making myself look presentable before heading back out into the cold, cruel world.