Excerpt 1

The opening of a scene.

The interior of the train station captivated me for some reason. I have always had a vague interest in architecture, and larger-than-life architecture above all. The train station, like nearly every major part of the city, was built in the height of the Soviet era, and it still whispered the power and inviolability of the will of the people, even though the people it now housed were less concerned with the plight of the working class, and more concerned with regional and religious politics. It was built in an architectural style meant to stand boldly against the threat of attack, but was dressed now with police, barricades and other Orwellian reminders that the threats now came from within.

I hardly noticed the train arrive as I tried to capture this image digitally, until the screen on the back of my camera finally wheeled back around the Mrs Marckovitch to find her embracing someone. When they parted, I was left staring at her granddaughter through my camera in amazement. Her face was so pale as to be white in a way I had never imagined, and it was made paler in contrast to her large, black eyebrows and equally large, equally black eyes. Her lips were painted light pink to match her floral hijab, but there was a cold look in here eyes, as if the massive hall around her was a slight on her inherent beauty.

Reviews

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I believe you set the scene very well. Sometimes we are overwhelmed and captivated by enormous structures, especially those built to demonstrate power and will, however, sometimes the little things stand out even more as does the young woman on the screen of your camera. The juxtaposition is very apt. I would have used "at" the height of the Soviet era rather than "in". There were a couple of typos, perhaps the result of missing a key on the keyboard, but I really enjoyed the set-up and now want to know why the young woman has a cold look in her eyes.

[The Twin Arenas]

the last line of this is good. I like when things slight people.

it's cold. what i get out of this is that it is cold. sterile. the only thing alive is the floral hijab.

there's a weird typo in the second line of the second paragraph. I didn't know what you were trying to say.
the whole bit with the camera could be tightened up, or you could just have the character look at her, and f**k the camera, unless it's crucial to the story.

when you mention her "equally black eyes" and then wait a beat, and then bring up her eyes again, how they looked cold, that was awkward. Rearrange it.

Good, though. Keep it up. Lemme know when it's edited and s**t.

[Taylorgwebb]

Awesome! Thanks a lot! Great review!