Hide and Seek Ch.1

A group of healthcare workers end up playing a wild game of hide and seek in an abandoned nursing home on Halloween night. As they disappear one by one, the question must be asked, haunting or foe?

“All staff to the nurses station. All staff to the nurses station,” a sharp voice rang out over the intercom. April and Sarah looked up at each other and rolled their eyes as they continued doing patient care. “It’s Halloween tonight,” a silver haired lady with thick glasses said as she pulled her blankets up to her neck. “Yes, ma’am,” April replied with a charming smile. “For the 10th time,” Sarah mumbled under her breath as she scrubbed her hands diligently as she always did. “Hush girl!” April muttered back as she threw her dirty gloves across the room at her friend. Sarah quickly moved out of the way and screamed. “Okay girl stop! That’s not even funny. You now we just cleaned actual poop from that woman’s butt hole,” she said excitedly as she shook as if she was covered in germs. 

The two of them discarded their waste and headed down the long heavily decorated hallway. It was surprisingly spooky for the dollar store section and a mix of old home made Halloween decorations they pulled out of the storage building from ten years ago. The smell of must and mold was doing its best to cover the smell coming from 304, which was actually a nice break. 

As they reached the nurses station a crowd had already formed. A slender, bubbly man with a fedora was waving his arms for everyone’s attention. “First off I just want to say thank you to all that participated in the costume contest and the “Spooky Hallway” contest. I think we can all agree 200 hall’s graveyard is the, it hit’s a little to close to home, kinda scary!” he said as some of the nursing staff laughed aloud. April and Sarah looked at each other and had a laugh as well. Only they were laughing at the fact they were two of the only staff members who didn’t wear a costume. “Now our kid’s will be here around 6:30. Everyone that is available please stay and help. There will be….”. He continued but April wasn’t engaged. Sarah was showing her a text from another CNA from across the room. The text read, “They are gonna meet us at 8:30 at Applebee’s.” The two again looked at each other and grinned. It was Halloween night and they were both off the next day. If they didn’t take this opportunity to have fun it would be a while before they could again. 

As the crowd dispersed the charge nursed pulled April aside. “Hey I need another set of vitals on 304B. I know you just left out of there but the doctor just called. I’m sorry,” the nurse said sympathetically. “It’s no problem,” April replied and drug Sarah back to the silver haired woman’s room. 

“It’s Halloween tonight,” she said as soon as they entered. Oh I’m going to need therapy before we leave here to today,” Sarah said as she brought the vital machine over to the woman. They both stood quietly as the machine worked it magic. They were both tired from the day. Tired from the last month. They had worked short, stayed late, and picked up extra shifts with little or no thanks. They were thankful the new guy Joshua had actually been a CNA before and knew what he was doing or they had both considered quiting. BEEP BEEP BEEP! They both startled at the sound of the machine finishing. “It’s Halloween  tonight,” the silver haired lady repeated again in her shrill voice. “Hell no,” April exclaimed as she quickly wrote down the results and headed for the door. “Watch those pretty babies,” the silver haired lady squealed just as they were walking out. “The what,” Sarah said with a shaken look on her face. The silver haired lady just stared without saying a word, then slowly turned her head to face the window. 

Reviews

[JayG]

• “All staff to the nurses station. All staff to the nurses station,” a sharp voice rang out over the intercom.

First you give the effect, what was said. Then, you give the cause. But cause always comes before effect. It’s what provides context. And without context the words mean nothing to the reader.

I mention it because it’s a critical error in presentation. Were this a submission to a publisher, here is where the work would be rejected.

• April and Sarah looked up at each other and rolled their eyes as they continued doing patient care.

What can this mean to a reader who just arrived? Who are April and Sarah? Why did they roll their eyes? What’s patient care? And why are they ignoring the announcement? You know the line makes perfect sense to you. To a reader? They have not a clue, zero context, and no access to your intent as to how they shold take it. And since you can’t retroactively remove confusion, and, there’s no such thing as a second, first-impression, will they continue reading, hoping it eventually makes sense? Would you?

• “It’s Halloween tonight,” a silver haired lady with thick glasses said as she pulled her blankets up to her neck.

Look at this as a reader. Unlike you, readers don’t know what year it is; they don’t know what country, and city we’re—even the kind of ward in the hospital. They don’t know who the two females are, what their job is, or what they’re doing in the moment they call "now." For all we know they could be giving shampoos, emptying bedpans, or pretty much anything else. But without knowing where we are, who we are, and what’s going on, the reader is, and must be lost. There are ways of handling that, but in your school days they weren't mentioned as even existing.

Stories aren’t about what happens. That’s history, and who reads history for fun? Story isn’t a recounting of what can be seen, either. That’s a report. Story happen, and do so in real-time, not overview, and, they're presented from within the viewpoint of the person we call the protagonist—the person we care about and cheer for. In other words, our avatar. Without that, it's just a report of the form, "This happened...then that happened...and after that..."

At the moment, you’re thinking in terms of plot being the important thing. But plot is the easiest part. Writing well enough that the reader NEEDS to turn to page two is a lot more important, because if you don't make them want to they won't. The average reader makes a buy or put-it-back decision in three pages or less. As Sol Stein put it: “A novel is like a car—it won’t go anywhere until you turn on the engine. The “engine” of both fiction and nonfiction is the point at which the reader makes the decision not to put the book down. The engine should start in the first three pages, the closer to the top of page one the better.”

And how much plot has taken place in those three pages? Damn little. But in them you need to convince the reader they they MUST buy and read this, and know what comes next. That takes good writing, not good plotting.

And think about it. Did you have even one teacher, in all your years of schooling, tell you that? Did even one talk about the three issues we need to address quickly on entering any scene? Hell no. So if no one ever tells you it’s needed, will you provide them? Of course not. So it’s not your fault that you didn’t. But still, the problem needs to be fixed.

How about how explaining the best ways to show viewpoint (which is what writers mean when they talk about point of view, not which personal pronouns you use)? Did they do that, or talk about the elements that make up a screen on the page.

Of course they didn’t, because only people writing fiction need to know the tricks of writing fiction. And since professions—and Fiction-Writing is a profession—are acquired IN ADDITION to the set of general skills we’re given in school, they don’t even mention that those skills exist. In fact, the vast majority of what you were assigned to write was in the form of reports and essays, so all you learned were nonfiction writing skills. Use them for fiction and the result is pretty much what you posted here. So, as I’ve already said, it’s not your fault. Nor is it related to your writing skill or your talent for writing fiction. And as Mark Twain so wisely observed: “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”

But the single most important thing they didn’t tell you is the goal of fiction: As E. L. Doctorow put it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”

No way in hell can the reporting and explaining techniques of nonfiction do that. And the stories you've read? They no more teaches you the tricks of writing it than does eating teach you to cook.

So…how do you fix the problem? Simple: Dig into the tricks of writing fiction and add them to those skills you presently own. Will that be easy? No. No profession is easy to learn. But we know you like writing, so the learning, in and of itself, will probably be interesting. And the practice is writing stories. So what’s not to like?

And to help, two suggestions: First, check some of the writing articles in my WordPress writing blog (link at the bottom of this). They're meant to give a taste of the major issues you need to look into. And if they make sense, and you want to know more, the link at the bottom of this paragraph leads to a site where you can download the best book I’ve found on fiction-writing technique. It won’t make a pro of you. That’s your job. But it will give you the tools, and the knowledge of how to use them. The download is free, so grab a copy before they change their mind, and dig in.
https://ru.b-ok2.org/book/2640776/e749ea

So dig in. And while you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Taylor Joel]

Yeah glad you liked the story so much. If you cant follow it you cant follow it. It's meant to be a short story I'm uploading segment by segment on facebook. It's not a true novel. Might be why it's missing some of those things you're talking about. It's meant to be quick short and to the point.

[JayG]

It's not a matter of my "following it."It's why the average reader can't, and how to fix that. As the owner of a manuscript critiquing service I saw lots of work that suffered the same problem, because, you can't fix the problem you don't see as being one, or use the tool you don't know exists.

And follow the story? Who cares? If the reader never turns to page two they'll never know what it is. And, of course, there are only seven basic plots, in any case. Your job, as a fiction writer is to entertain, not inform. The reader cares a lot more about how the protagonist reacts to the events, and why, than the fact of to happening. So, the fact of the women "rolling" their eyes, without knowing why they did it, coupled with their lack of comment, or anything that would give context, makes it meaningless to the reader. It's easy enough to fix, but if you don't see that it is a problem, and why...

No one says you have to change the way you write in any way, of course. But since you're working hard, and the problem isn't your fault, I thought you might want to know of it, and how to fix it. That's why I linked to that book on fiction-writing technique.

[Taylor Joel]

Again. It's a short story meant for a specific audience on facebook. Mostly healthcare workers. I appreciate what you're saying. They rolled their eyes because all staff was called to a the nurses station. Did you read the story or are you trying to get me to join some service you provide? Maybe you get so into criticism you cant enjoy the story for what it is. Just read it. And continue reading the next chapters

[JayG]

If the story was meant for a specific audience on Facebook you'd not have posted it here—nor posted your other work here.

I looked the piece as someone who owned a manuscript critiquing service before I retired.

You're working hard on your fiction, but still using the nonfiction writing skills we learned in school. And since you are working hard on it, and posted your fiction with the idea of pleasing readers you didn't personally know, I thought you might want to learn why the work would be rejected before the end of paragraph one, and why—for all your posted work—you have only three comments, including mine. And since we can't fix the problem we don't see as being one, I pointed out the problems and gave you a solution.

As for reading the rest of the project, you are, as I've already said, thinking in terms of the events being why people read fiction. But it's not. Your reader arrives with mild curiosity, which fades line-by line, unless you replace it with active interest. And that takes skill to do—a skill-set that was not mentioned as existing during your school days because there, they were readying your for employment, not training you in the professional skills of the profession we call, Fiction-Writing.

Fiction is a profession. And like nursing, or any other profession, good intent and a pure heart isn't going to do the job. It takes knowledge and learned skills. But no one says you have to spend even one minute learning those skills. I gave the time it took to write that critique, and the link to the book that could fix the problems, because I thought you'd be interested in learning how to improve your fiction-writing skill. But apparently, the idea of someone doing a good turn because it's the right thing to do is a foreign one, so I'll just wish you luck with your writing and bow out.