I Don't Mean It

For Ben

My heart falls.

I realize you don't care.

I thought you were the only one that did.

Tears cascade down my cheeks,

Three dripping to the blanket the second they begin.

You tell me you won't hurt me anymore.

You tell me that's why you're leaving.

I know you're lying.

You haven't pretended to care in over two months.

You come up with excuses,

Say you realize you're an a*s.

You are an a*s,

But that's not why you're doing this.

 

It would hurt more for you to leave

Than for you to try and only text me a few times a day.

 

"Then I won't text."

 

You say you care,

Say we can still be friends,

And then you say you aren't going to college with a girlfriend.

Are you ashamed of me?

Do you not want anyone to know about me?

Just lie.

Say you don't have a girlfriend.

Cheat on me,

It will only hurt a lot,

But it won't hurt as much as this.

You're leaving,

The same exact way as my last ex,

The same exact reason.

 

I tell you I'm not strong enough.

You tell me that I am.

I tell you that the last time

Was the cause for the biggest scar on my wrist.

You tell me not to expect sympathy.

I lose it.

 

You've never cared.

I tell you to get out of my life,

To never come back.

 

I don't mean it....

 

I'll never mean it...

 

But I know I can't make you happy anymore....