Swallowing the Pills

He didn't care.

He had told me to go die before.

I let him know I would go through with it this time.

I opened the bottle of sleeping pills,

Not remembering it was a school night.

The bottle was half empty;

Half full.

I dumped the contents into my hand,

Popped them into my mouth one by one,

Deadly little candy.

Nothing seemed to happen at first.

I rested on my bed,

The lights out,

My phone on and no one knowing

But him.

He didn't care though.

I thought my attempt a failure,

Like always.

I sat up.

The darkness rushed toward me,

Then away, as if in fear.

I smiled, I think.

Rocking, I began to think.

What did I have to live for?

The ones I loved didn't care.

Well, the one I loved.

My family didn't care either,

But I don't think I love them.

My cat rubbed against me,

Delightfully warm and fuzzy and soft,

Just how I felt.

Suddenly,

I was too dizzy.

I was lonely.

I wanted to puke.

No, don't puke.

Please don't puke.

I called another,

Not him,

But a friend.

He pretended to care sometimes.

His greeting was groggy,

He was sleeping.

I could feel myself panting

And he knew something was wrong.

Somehow, in my shaking voice,

I conveyed the message.

How ashamed he was....

I told him that I loved him.

I didn't,

But I was too grateful knowing I wouldn't die alone.

He said he loved me too.

I knew it was a lie,

But it made me feel better,

And deep down, I felt worse.

He told me to throw up.

I refused.

I needed no hero,

I was the savior,

Saving me from this life.

There are others like me,

Others who realize how cruel life can be.

He asked for my parents' phone numbers.

It seemed a weird question,

But I refused.

He begged me to throw up the pills.

I felt so terrible.

I felt life slipping from me.

Everything was light and dark at once.

Light danced in the dark,

Evil but benign.

I stumbled to the bathroom,

Still panting and now beginning to cry.

I coughed once,

And my stomach emptied itself into the toilet.

It was fuzzy,

Light blue pills partially dissolved.

I went back to the phone.

He was so glad to hear the news.

I was angry at myself,

Somewhere within the numbness.

He said goodnight.

I hung up.

My dad knocked at my door.

He heard me throw up.

He asked if I was sick

Or if I was doing weird s**t.

Silly Daddy,

It wasn't weird s**t,

I was trying to do you a favor and off myself.

In a voice I thought was trembling,

I told him I was sick.

He stayed in my room for what seemed like ages.

He eventually left.

The darkness welcomed me at once.

When my alarm sounded,

I was still in my daze.

Halfway through school,

I was still in that fog.

I didn't seem too messed up.

People didn't notice.

Would anyone notice if I hadn't thrown them up?

Would anyone notice if I didn't wake up?

Author's Note

Sorry that it's so long, everything just kept coming and I couldn't think of a good way to end it. And this was a long time ago so please, no concerned comments. Thank you :)

Reviews

[Sunflower]

I would have noticed.