tall tale: Why i was never at school today

My boyfriend and i go through an adventure just to get to school.

Tall Tale: Why I wasn’t at school today

By: Tator Of Suburbia (Tatianna Buelna)

 

    It was a morning like any other, my alarm went off, I threw it across my room and my mother yells at me for throwing my alarm clock. Normally, after the force of my alarm clock leaving yet another dent on my wall turned it off, I would sleep for another tem minutes to half an hour. Only this time, my alarm clock revolted and chose to keep screeching at me until I strangled it with a pillow. Now full awake from all the effort it took to kill.. I mean turn off my alarm clock, I decided to get dressed. I looked in my closet only to find none of my clothes there, and my dresser was gone too! Suddenly that irritating screeching noise my alarm clock makes rang out again filling my room and continuing to get louder. Finally when the noise filled every part of my being I bolted up right in my bed. Ugh, It was such a weird dream! Instead of throwing my alarm clock I turned it off gently while saying “shut up!” causing my mom to yell at me from her room, in turn causing my little brother to wake up and scream relentlessly.

          Sighing I got out of bed and promptly called my boyfriend to get his lazy behind out of bed. After hanging up with a very disgruntled boyfriend I walked to my closet only to find… no clothes. I pulled my dresser drawers open and all I could find was a pair of dickies I used to wear to work, a black spachetti strap shirt and a lame t-shirt that said ‘Live dangerously, Eat school lunch.” Cursing my mom for breaking the washing machine and myself for unemployment and no quarters for the local laundry mat I quickly threw on the outfit and spritzed myself with magnolia blossom body spray to hide the scent of old lady that lurks in my dresser drawers. After wards I headed down stairs to snarf down a healthy breakfast of clover shaped cookies, milk and grapes.

    Half way through my snarfing my boyfriend calls me at 6:30 to say that he is running a little late and he will be at my house in ten minutes. 7:00 rolls by and my boyfriend’s beat up ‘93 ford probe pulls onto my street. A bit angry I peel myself off the frozen sidewalk and rigidly climb into his Back to the future artifact. He quickly apologizes and we head to school.

    We arrive at the school at 7:15 only to find sophomore lane completely full. My anger rising a bit, I openly insult the sophomores who parallel park with space not big enough for a ford probe but just perfect for a frigging mini cooper! We drive around for about fifteen minutes looking for another parking space. It isn’t until we pass a sign that says “Welcome to Puckyfreakinghuddle” do we find not one but many empty parking spaces. Luckily the crazy Arabian guy was renting his camels today for the low low price of the star button on our cell phones. My boyfriend and I quickly surrendered our star buttons and hopped aboard a camel and rode off at the speed of light to make it to class on time.

    Unfortunately when we arrived back at the school we found that there were many shiny new ‘No camel parking” signs posted all around the school. Heaving great sighs we were once again on the search for parking.

    Finally we reached Saguaro Ranch Park to see that the crazy Arabian guy’s brother was offering camel parking for the ridiculously low price of the entire note section of our pass books. Desperate my boyfriend and I quickly ripped out the pointless five pages and handed the over along with our rented camel.

    Happy to be rid of the camel and ready to go back to school we left the park only to realize that we were back near my house. Looking over at the fire house next door we found a shiny fire truck getting ready to leave. We crossed the property quickly and discreetly jumped aboard the engine and rode it for some time. When we finally realized that it had taken up all the way back to my boyfriend’s house on 67^th avenue and Glendale we jumped off.

    Angry to be back at square one my boyfriend yelled loudly and kicked a light post and then a brick wall which resulted in his broken toe. Yelling at my boyfriend for being an idiot I whipped out my cell phone to call *611 for cricket information only to find that my star button was missing. I proceeded to hit myself in the face for the insane demands of the camel guy. Then I was struck with a beautiful new idea! I called my essay at Home Depot, who called his essay in Mexico, who called his essay in Spain, who called his tia in Glendale to give us a ride to the hospital.

    At the hospital, the doctor quickly repaired my boyfriend’s foot and bandaged it up. Then he decided to look at my shot records because I ‘Looked a bit pale.’ So, after three hours of searching through dust covered files instead of just searching my profile on the computer because the doctor was afraid it might blow up, we discovered that I was due for my Hepatitis A shot. I screamed and whined as the doctor stabbed me with a foot long needle and injected the vaccination into my bruised arm.

    Then he handed me a bill for $250, and the next thing I new I was being forced to clean bed pans for the next four hours just to work off the debt.

    Four hours later we stepped into the lovely afternoon light and found the Arabian brothers coming after us. I was frightened and hid behind my crippled boyfriend. Turns out that my boyfriend gave the first crazy Arabian brother the pound sign not the star button on his cell phone because he had given the star button to a hobo last week. Then the brothers got angry and held us at gun point and forced us to hunt down the hobo with the star button.

    We found the hobo behind McDonalds playing with some discarded action figures. My boyfriend asked for the star button in exchange for his pound sign button but the hobo refused.

    This is where you come in officer, the Arabians started shouting and the hobo stepped on my boyfriends crippled foot. I ran down the street until I found you, unfortunately you were searching for my boyfriend and I. So then you came to the area behind McDonalds and save my boyfriend and I from an angry hobo and crazy Arabians.

    So then out of the kindness of your heart you decided to drive us back to the school, only to find that is was three o’clock and school had been out for forty minutes. So you drove us back to puckfreakinghuddle to retrieve the car and let us off with a warning… right?

    We didn’t mean to miss school, but we can’t afford to pay for parking at the school, and the sophomores don’t know how to parallel park, and people call the police if we park in the neighborhoods. So out of a technicality it’s the overcrowding of the schools that made my boyfriend and I miss school.

 

Author's Note

Okay so i had to write this for my theatre class... we had a contest, unfortunately i didn't win because I didn't rhyme... very annoying... well here ya go, enjoy!