Good to Goth Chapter 4

 

          She woke to a bright light coming in through the thin curtains over the big window in her room. Getting up slowly she grumbled and looked through her trunk for her petticoat and corset. Neither of them were where she put them, she turned towards the mirrored vanity and found she was already wearing them. Did Miss Bradley come in and dress her?

          Shaking her head with confusion she crossed the room to the door and exited, suddenly she was at the top of the stairs in her home in Paris. What in the world is going on here?! she thought to herself frantically running down the stairs. She ran down the hallway into her dinning room, to find her parents sitting at the table waiting for her to eat breakfast with them. They smiled at her and beckoned her and beckoned her to the table, but she was too stunned to move.

          “Mother? Father?” she whispered unable to believe that they were right there, “B-but you guys are supposed to be dead,” Her head couldn’t quite wrap around their presence.

          They said nothing, they just sat there smiling and beckoning, “Why won’t you talk to me?!” she begged tears of sorrow running down her face.

          Their faces turned slightly less happy and suddenly they were Miss Bradley staring down at her angrily with those frightful eyes. Scared, Maddison turned and ran out the door, and she was on the school ground again. She didn’t stop to look around, she just kept running towards the forest. Something from inside of there was beckoning her to come.

          Unable to resist she the calling she ran towards what ever it was faster. The longing became stronger, urging her to run faster and faster air burned in her lungs. She looked behind her to fin nothing but a creepy darkness coming after her. She looked up through the canopy and could see the moon and stars.

          Back behind her the liquid darkness was getting closer staining everything around her with black, like a spilt bottle of ink, nothing was safe from ruin. Quickly it caught up with her tired body and sucked her in, instantly everything around her was black except for a small light at the end which she continued to run towards. Everything was so silent here, and cold. She was surrounded by a freezing cold that chilled her to the bone. Maddison shivered as they wind seemed to come in freezing gusts at her and only her. Suddenly the gusts became faster making everything in her body freeze. It was so cold, she couldn’t ask for help everything was frozen the moment she thought of it. Closer and closer the coldness got to Maddison, she couldn’t breathe, and suddenly she saw eyes, ice blue soulless eyes circling around her. She followed then as the circled and got closer, forgetting she needed to breathe. The eyes were so mesmerizing, full of hunger, longing, lust. They were just so beautiful. Suddenly the darkness was getting inside of her and the hypnotism stopped. It ran silkily cold down her throat as she tried to scream in horror, but she was suffocating. It stained her clothes and plugged her nose. The beautiful eyes got closer and Maddison could now see the beautiful pale face of a man he smiled and revealed fangs dripping with poison. He leaned back and went if for the strike.

          Everything was black, cold and black. Maddison heard her heart try to beat, but it was no use, there was no blood to pump. She opened her eyes and found the man standing over her smiling her blood dripping from her lips. She tried to ask if she was dead or a live, but her lips could not move. She lifted her hands to feel where her lips should be and found she had none.

         

 

          Maddison jumped and woke with a short scream, mason cam running in to make sure she was okay. “What’s going on? What happened Maddison?” he asked frantically shaking her. She sobbed as he moved her back and forth unable to recount the horrid images she had just seen. Mason stopped shaking her to sit next to her and hugged Maddison until she stopped crying. “It’s okay Maddy, it was just a dream. Nothing can hurt you while I am here. I promise,” he whispered into her hair.

          Silently they rocked together until they heard the footsteps of Miss Bradley. Mason hugged her extra tight and left the room quickly.

          Seconds later Miss Bradley stepped into Maddison’s room, “Why is your door open young lady?” she asked rather flustered.

          “I’m sorry Ma’am I was having trouble breathing and didn’t feel comfortable opening a window because of the chill.

          ‘That’s fine, now hurry up and get dressed, the tailor is here and she won’t wait forever.” The angry woman walked briskly out of the room leaving Maddison alone with her thoughts.

          She couldn’t get that man’s face out of her head, he was so beautiful yet so dangerous. She shuddered at the thought of her blood dripping from his lips and got up to retrieve her corset from the floor, and a nicer petticoat from her trunk. She dressed silently asking mason to come back and help her with her tighten the chords, and descended the stairs.

          Maddison found Miss Bradley in the front room with the tailor, a wavering old man with cheerful eyes. She curtsied a good morning for the both of them and stood still until told to do something.

          The man turned to Miss Bradley and whispered something in her ear and she nodded. The old man came towards her slowly, “Come here Miss so I can take you measurements.” Maddison obliged and walked towards him and stopped on the pedestal. He worked around her silently taking her measurements and asking a few questions here and there. Miss Bradley answered all of them before Maddison could even open her mouth.

          Finally he was done and she stepped down from the pedestal. Miss Bradley placed an order for her new corset and another petticoat, and then shooed Maddison away.

          As she walked up the stairs she heard the sounds of the other girls waking up. Ignoring the sounds she walked to her room and closed to door to wait for breakfast time when she had to face all of the girls. Embarrassment was already flushing her face and she hurried to her trunk to pull out some stationary and sat at the desk in her room to write a letter to her grandmother.

 

Reviews

[VoodooWebs]

More detail! Possibly take a few 'and's out of sentences. Instead of having the majority of your sentences tending to be long and drawn out, with lots of things crammed inside, give your...writing technique more thought. Writing is meant for flowing words, flowing phrases and sentences. Give it a variety of long and short sentences. And don't forget to go through your chapter again when you're finished and look for
grammatical errors! Capitalize and watch out for how you use commas! Also, keep the plot real and consistent. If it's difficult for you to
understand when you read it, it's usually impossible to your readers to have any idea of what you're trying to put across.
Last but not least, try inserting some big words, some colourful language. Instead of: "She couldn’t get that man’s face out of her head, he
was so beautiful yet so dangerous. She shuddered at the thought of her blood dripping from his lips and got up to retrieve her corset from
the floor, and a nicer petticoat from her trunk," say, "Her mind was filled with her gruesome dream. All she saw was the man's face, his
frighteningly beautiful face, her own blood dribbling down his chin. Shuddering, she quickly donned her clothes, which were sprawled
precariously by her feet."
Try to make your characters more pronounced. Actually give them identities. Show, don't tell the headmistress being haughty and presitgiously annoying. Show Mason as a confident but relaxed worker. Far more important, bring out Maddison's voice. You're trying, but it needs a little nudge where the word choice comes in.
Other than all of that, way to go! This is nice.

[Jocelyn Elizabeth]

You mention something about thin curtains in the first paragraph. Victorian's loved their lush fabrics. I would say a slab of sunlight through the ruffled curtains. Or something.

"They smiled at her and beckoned her and beckoned her to the table, but she was too stunned to move. " The repitition is strange here. "They smiled and beckoned her to the table, when she failed to budge the laughed and called her over."

The character development is a little off in this chapter. Mason has become too old with telling he nothing is going to happen when he is there. You should give him a little more space. Remember, it is all in the chase. All great television shows, and even romantic comedies are based on the fact that a certain love is unattainable or discouraged. Example: Princess Diaries, with Chris Pine and Anne Hathaway?? She despises him, but that is what makes the viewer want it sooo much more. They have such chemistry, but only ever come close to happiness until the end. Make the reader shiver with excitment. Keep your two main characters at a distance and put an obstacle in the way of their adoration.