Dysphoric

Written with the blood and tears of a dark year

TW: Gender dysphoria, sexual themes, violence, self-harm, suicidal ideation, death


I stroke my hair in repetitive motion
Underneath is an infernal commotion
I bite myself until I start bleeding
The pain just happens to be quite relieving
Boiling my skin with water and heat
I wash my body, rinse and repeat

But the dirt, it remains, it never leaves my side
Infects my body, and I simply can not hide
A rainbow disease, it is written in my face
My brain is confused, can not see through this haze
Someone tell me please, what is this bloody maze
There is no gate, how did I get inside?

Inside this body, mismatch, orderless
With this clusterfuck of a brain-it's a mess
Cacophonous orcherstra of VOICES
Causing massive suicide of CHOICES
Nowhere to go, might go all the way
We are all mad here, but no one is gay
Rusty butter knife penetration
Saving up for my sweet castration
I call this the modern adaptation
Of Darwins elaborate sex fixation
I hide from him my tiny aberration
So he f***s me like a little b***h in heat
I wash my body, rinse and repeat

I see myself explode, in slow-motion
"My tears are beautiful"  Is my notion
Bloody dynamite, that I carry
As I'm breaking down, I smile weary
And write before I die, "See you later"
Vomit my existence, onto paper
Unseen by everyone, mental breakdown
Mask fits perfectly, never falls down
I feel wonderful, can you not see
I'm back to hell again, did you miss me
I am down a year, on vacation
Freezing mental petrifaction
Burning bright soul cremation
Drowning heart, arterial ligation
Buried alive, funeral fixation
Dissolving my skin with acid and heat
Wash my body, rinse and repeat
Wash my body, rinse and repeat
Wash my body, rinse and repeat
Wash my body,
                       rinse and repeat




He strokes my hair in repetitive motion

And slowly calms my inner commotion

Applying the bandage, stopping the bleeding

Soothing his presence, it feels so relieving

Cleaning my skin with water and soap

Wash my body, bathing in hope