WITH EVERY STEP TAKEN

 I have experienced the unbearable difficulties of being. True, a little after Kundera with a free phrase; perhaps beyond the truer, deserved desires, the endured, suffered, vestigial breakups, in which my beating heart became a little ash, I also burned a little, and destroyed the more trusting, perhaps the happier half of my wounded soul.

Now they greet me from the outside, and explain, with the words of a man, who I am; in me a dread-trembling orphan child begs pitifully for redemption. Even now - but how many decades has it already been? I will keep those who have tricked me, cheated me, deceived me, abandoned me, trampled me in the mud, and giggled over my head in Vile hyena-Jackal-darlings, like wild carnivorous cannibals who have no reputation for friendliness!

I am truly sorry that I did not confess at that time why I was constantly melancholy-sad, disconsolate, castaway-brooding, frowning Fool. - The re-separation, the detachment can no longer be a fresh start, a human test, because it would require - like, dislike-relationships; restless waves are washing away the number of my years.

The "was and is not yet", the " What if?!"I have had a persistent feeling since the beginning of my childhood. That is why it was possible that I could not be deservedly happy and carefree anywhere, and that I had also played the happy unconscious, like a role, for that was what was expected of me! That I was an eternal loser-loser, perhaps-there was hardly one or two at most who wiped away my tears with handkerchiefs, and comforted me as if I were a child, to find my way back to my human being.