A letter to the girl

My dear Treasure!

 

I've always been terribly proud of you, let the outside world accuse me of being a coward when I confused tenderness with determination, or even with standing.

I greet you on your eighteenth birthday, and I know that you are very angry with me now, and rightly resent the - in many cases merciless - life, why I had to leave you so soon. I know it sounds a little strange, but I say that maybe fate wanted it that way. I really wanted to be by your side for many more years, because I wanted us to be a real family, but when I think that the medical tests and the countless drug treatments and other therapies could not alleviate the pain and the spiritual catharsis, which of necessity had to be suffered and endured - then I say that at that seemingly fatal, decisive moment, this was indeed the best decision that could be made as a human being.

I imagine that you are reading this letter, and at this moment you are the most beautiful, because you have that rare, special charm that does not brag and does not puff up, yet a person gives with a pure heart and always selflessly to another person.

I've been wanting to write for a long time, but you know I always put it off, put the days back, because I wanted to squeeze more time out of the rest of my life.

You must have already found my birthday present for you, which I bought before you were born that year, and although I can't know if mom knew about it, I tried to wrap it in an acceptable form myself. As you will see, the wrapping paper is a bit interesting and crumpled despite many useless attempts, but it remained intact.

You see, my voice has become emotional again, and there are still many important things I would like to tell you.

One of the most important things and also your most important treasure in life is your humanity! Remember this! You feed on it, and if you feel that the storm clouds have gathered in the cloudy sky of your life, you simply cling to me, and I am sure that you will already see the connections of your complicated affairs differently.

Mom always warned him not to discuss boy matters in front of me - I never understood why? Although I always liked to guess because of my curiosity. If I guess correctly, you may already have someone! I am very happy if you feel that you have found a decent person, with whom you are on the same wavelength in all aspects, and who can actually be the other half of your soul! For sure, please be careful with your sexual desires and be careful!

You know, when I saw mom for the first time, it was as if I entered another cosmic world. Just as the unusually warm September, nicknamed the messy one, had begun, and - I call it my habit - I hit home with my gray briefcase and was loaded with books. I had no way of knowing when he might have actually noticed. I know you think I should have made eye contact with him right away, but that turns out to be an unmitigated disaster in the face of a very half-hearted, shy, hypersensitive person. It's like I'm both unlucky and clumsy. If you're going to watch a French comedy, especially Pierre Richard, sometimes think of your old father.

The mother was just wearing a light little black cardigan and a snow-white blouse, in which she floated above the surface like a real angelic apparition. As far as I could see, he was filling leaflets and signing with a felt-tip pen or a ballpoint pen, and he seemed completely obsessed with work. That is, he neither saw nor heard.

I've always had a hard time building new relationships because, unfortunately, I haven't been able to learn and master the art of making friends since I was a child. You know, when you had birthdays and I suddenly disappeared to everyone's admiration, it was only so that I could have a decent vent and cry about the genres of my pathetic pessimism.

I often think back to how much of a charmer I was, that such a fantastically strong and charismatic personality like mom found me and wanted to share her life with me. Many times I felt as if I was deceiving her with my selfish stubbornness and my small-scale antics, because I didn't particularly like my grandmother. I know, you're going to be thinking, why couldn't we just bury the hatchet once and for all? The answer is simpler than you might think. I was quite stubborn and adamant that if I was insulted once, I would only exchange one or two unsolicited words with them out of necessity and not out of neighborly love. Well, there was also mom's dad, who would not have forgotten to always tie my nose and remind me that he intended a "better person" for his only daughter!

No one knows or can guess what happens after death, but no matter where our rickety, worn-out, shipwrecked earthly body ends up, our spirit, which is constantly guarding and protecting our loved ones, may always be there watching over us.

How much I wanted to tell you, my love! You certainly don't remember your grandfather anymore, but despite the fact that he was often a grouchy, slightly neurotic, and rude old man, he loved you to the point of admiration, but he was just never able to show it or keep his emotions under control.

It would be so good if people could communicate with each other through invisible, telepathic, thought paths, and then the criterion of personal meetings would no longer be absolutely necessary. Then maybe I would also hear the emotions that affect you, which must often weigh you down like a burden and put your entire angelic being in front of new trials. But I trust that humor and cheerfulness can always return to the complicated and storm-seeing mind of a person, to turn the hardest days into a ray of sunshine.

Mom must be very tired and worn out, and although she tries to show herself to be strong and rock solid, she always remains a tender, attentive flower. Please, if you have some time left for lessons or friends, go and help him, even if he hasn't asked you for anything, show him that you are there and that he can count on you because you are present! I have never seen my mother cry spontaneously! Maybe it was because I was always the first one to have that particular candle broken. Now I think you also feel that I have exaggerated the strictness with myself, but you will soon realize that even the most solid, unshakable people have a more sensitive side that is rarely visible to the outside world.

I would like to ask you something! You would jump at that without a shoe, and just as if it were a liter of milk or a wet roll without a shoe, you would go to the public house without a shoe to get your father food as soon as possible, even if in the eyes of the outside world this was considered a kind of new favor between family members. Now, however, I would like to ask you that no matter how the rest of your life turns out, never forget that you are first and foremost a human being, and everything else only after that!

I don't know if you had a child, but it would be nice if you tried to tell him as many useful heart-warming memories as possible, so that he knows who his strange, capricious grandfather was, and I sincerely hope that when he grows up he will not be very angry that - just like with you, I couldn't be there for you in recent years.

You probably don't remember it anymore, but when you were a four or five-year-old little princess, we built a sandcastle on the beach, and you were the proudest, as with your little plastic shovel and yellow bucket, you measured out all the sand exactly like a real architect, and that let the binder be wet, you have torn out - of course only a small, significant piece - from the ocean. I took a lot of pictures back then. I admit that perhaps it would have been appropriate to pay more attention to the lighting conditions and other effects, because even though many pictures turned out to be a bit grainy or blurry, the sensual and harmonious happiness is felt well and can be seen in every picture.

You know, your mother is a fantastic woman, and I think I should have met her sooner, when my heart wasn't broken by so much loss and pain from so many wasted minutes and wasted moments. I want to hope that you will try to be happy and balanced and build your own creative-creative life by the side of someone whom you really and sincerely love! If you are worried about marriage or the wedding, I can say that do not let the world influence you in anything, always follow the advice of your heart! I still remember well the day when your mother and I visited the registrar in the mayor's office! Your mother is an incredibly modern lady, and although I think every woman's wedding day is the long-awaited big day, she allowed herself to be intimate, let's say happy yeses to each other in a harmonious civil ceremony! Please, if you don't forget, mention this to him.

I am slowly reaching the end of my letter! I don't want to think about saying goodbye, but I want to trust that you will definitely receive this letter and that you will not think of me with anger or rage in your heart. Together with your mother, you were the greatest holy gift in my shortened life!