Mutations

Karma; What goes around, comes around.

Do not go into the water. That's what everyone on the news was saying. There was some kind of chemical that was leaked into the lake from the lab. Being exposed to the water would cause a long and painful death as your skin starts to boil. Your body becomes overheated by the chemical, causing all of the veins and organs in your body to melt. You begin to drown internally by your own thick, hot blood.

The perfect way to die, Jim Longover thought. He never wanted to come home. He thought about running away, but that would only make life worse.

“If only there was a way for the pain to become real,” Jim said to himself as he started towards the lake. He was walking down an alleyway as a shortcut to the woods that led to the hazardous lake. He was thinking about what it would be life if he were to just walk straight into it. How all of his problems would die off along with him.

“Hey! Stop! Get over here.” A couple of the boys from Jim’s senior class were running towards him. He glanced back, his eyes widened, and then he took off. Straight through the woods. Don't look back.

Jim knew he was getting close to the lake, but he didn't stop. He kept running, as fast as he could, still hearing the echoes of their taunting laughter. From afar, he could see the eerie glow coming from the lake. He let himself smile a crooked smile.

Jim stopped just short of the lake. He stood on the edge, staring off into abyss beyond it. He heard the boys come up behind him, but he didn't turn. They were whispering to each other, coming up with how they were going to bully him this time.

“Why don't you just jump in? It would probably make life much easier for the rest of us,” the boy with the green ball cap  on. His hat was almost as green as the lake and his name was Henry Denco.

“Yeah, just jump! It will only hurt a lot!” The other boy, Robbie Jutt laughed.

Just then Jim Had had it. He was done letting two of the dumbest boys in my class bully him anymore. He turned around and clocked Henry in the mouth, then pushed Robbie down on the ground and got on top of him. He swung as hard as he could over and over. When Henry recovered, he got up and pulled Jim off of Robbie. Jim fell back near the edge of the lake. He glanced back, then down at his blood and soot covered hands. The other two boys got up and stood over him. Jim slowly stood up, his face staring at them with a hard look. The boys kept taunting him, threatening to end his life.

Jim didn't want to hear it anymore. He didn't want to be threatened anymore. He wanted it to be all over. He wiped his eyes full of tears, looked up towards the sky, then then closed them. He took one last breath, put his arms out to his side like he was a bird, and then fell back into the deep, bubbling lake.

The boys screamed. Jim’s body was burning, his skin was boiling over. The smell of rotting flesh filled the air around them. Henry and Robbie gave one last look at the boy burning alive in the water, turned, and ran home.  

. . .

Author's Note

To be continued...

Reviews

[Vic]

For a while there I thought he was going to throw Henry or Robbie into the lake. I would've liked to have learned a little bit more about Jim and why he feels the way he does. The line about the pain becoming real makes me think he has some form of depression. When the boys call out for him to stop, at first I thought they were trying to save him. A physiological reaction to Henry and Robbie yelling at Jim might help give more immediate context for their relationship with Jim. Thanks for sharing

[SilverInk]

Thanks for entering this in my contest! I'm so glad I read this. The way the story sounds like it could be a backstory for a superhero is so enticing, and I just love the way it ends.
The line, "he wiped his eyes, full of tears", was a great use of an appositive.
The fact that Jim jumped rather than pushing his bullies in the water is just so meaningful.
Great job with this!

[Natasha]

Thank you! The poem "Bullies" goes along with this. I am also going to write more on this!

[pia]

ive become a fan of this already !!
green is the colour of jealously
and bullies are just jealous people with small egos tht they feel need to be boosted by hurting others
i love your story

[Natasha]

Thanks! And very true!

[barleygirl]

WOW! WOW! WOW! This is so powerful! I haven't read something this dramatic in a long time. It's the perfect short length for the short attention spans on websites like these, yet you also managed to pack this full of intensity & action. I'm stunned. I wanted to read this before "Bullies" and I'm glad I did. Your writing and your storytelling are top notch here!

[Natasha]

Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

[N.]

Very and I do mean very engaging story. I was read it word for word. I loved the twist at the end not expecting it. The review from Nigel said it all just a few minor detail to clean up, but do not change the plot it was amazing.

[Natasha]

Thank you so much. I was thinking about adding to it!

[Mel Jayne]

Hi, I really liked this story, even if it was a bit dark for my taste, a part from a couple errors I think you have quite a strong story, just try to keep it consistent in tenses and pronouns (I struggle with this too!). Maybe try and vary sentence length and punctuation in your writing if you are looking to step up the quality of your work. You have some very creative ideas!

[Natasha]

Thank you so much! I will definitely be revising it and adding to it.

[Nigel Newman]

Natasha Hi. If I start thinking what the outcome could be before I get there, it means I'm starting to get hooked! Nicely done and very readable. FYI one alternative outcome in my head was that Jim overpowered them and threw THEM into the water; Another was that after his brave display they regarded him with new respect and all three lived to fight another day. Hey ho.

Couple of proof-read comments. You're clearly aiming at a young teen audience, so you regularly spell things out in short simple sentences, which I'd guess is wise. Nevertheless there are a few things that you might like to look at
- P1 L2 'was leaking' or 'had leaked'
- P1 L5 either 'be drowned by' or 'in your own ...'
- P3 L3 'it would be like' not life
- P7 the ball cap guy arguably needs a verb such as taunt, sneer, etc
- P9 Jim had had it, no H
- P9 same line. Not so much a proof-read, but the reference to 'my' looks odd, and 'the' would read more easily. I assume we'll hear more about this later but this early, 'the' might work better
- 'The other two boys' is a bit clunky and long-winded. Maybe 'he glanced back at Jutt and Henry ... They got up and ...
- Penultimate para - you have then then

Hope you don't mind these detailed comments. I think this is a solid start so I thought it was worth the effort and that you might find these comments helpful.

Regards
Nigel

[Natasha]

Thank you so much. I will definitely look into changing those errors. This really helps and the story will be continued soon! I hope you read it when it's finished.

[Shannon]

Definitely needs to be continued.

I might suggest a little rearranging, so we don't know about the lake until he runs towards it. Other than that small suggestion, really well laid out and a smooth read.

[Natasha]

Thank you and it will be continued. I will look into revising it. I hope you read the rest when it comes out!