Just like a melted candle

Dark room in the corner with a slight mist,
Dusty windows with deep brown rust in its wrist..

Chandelier's moving and it sounds haunted,
Table of cards and vacant seats left unended..

And here I am, just like a melted candle
Unable to ignite again....

Never pictured this life before, never imagined how the evil's rule,
They prod my attitude, quelled my dignity, puffed a smoke and yelled, I'm a crazy fool..

Their nasty thoughts, dirty minds haunts me every night,
I've lost those starry eyes, grew dark circles, tired of their evil sight..

Now here I am, just like a melted candle,
Unable to ignite again....




 

Reviews

[David Lewis Paget]

So jaded for one so young. But you must attend to your singulars and plurals. Wrist is a bad choice, chosen for its rhyming quality alone. You need to go further than one syllable rhymes, look at things like 'insist', 'amethyst', 'desist', 'gist', 'kissed' and so on, and try and make sense of the line. E.g. - Dusty windows with deep brown rust are kissed'. 'How the evil's rule - 'evil's' means 'evil is' so a misplaced comma. Should be 'evil rule'. (Yes, punctuation IS important). The next line, you switch tenses. 'They prod my attitude (present), quelled (past), puffed, yelled, (past), so either 'prod' 'quell' 'puff'' and 'yell', or 'prodded' with your previous choice. 'Dirty minds haunts' should be 'haunt' because 'minds' is plural. Then 'lost' 'grew' 'tired' should be 'lost, grown, tired'. Always pay attention to detail. All the best.

[Gee]

I could do with David taking a butcher's at my efforts,probably the only way I'll improve.

[Tasfia Islam]

Thanks for the advice.... :)

[Katie Alexander]

I'm kind of confused what's happening in this poem though I like it. Your imagery is great and so is the feelings your words invoke, but it could do with more pattern and rhythm and flow. For example, your placement of "and / yelled, I'm a crazy fool" is confusing because it could have a couple different meanings. But overall, good job!

[Tasfia Islam]

Thank you... :) Glad you look liked it.

[FallenHeroXx]

This reminds me of my Early stuff. It's good to see this.
Its like an old friend.
Good.
Well written and spewing that depressionistic art i grew so fond of.
Keep your head up and get better (:

[Tasfia Islam]

Thank you... Glad you liked it.. :)

[Terrence Chang]

Nice poem and merry Christmas Annabelle.

[Tasfia Islam]

Thank you.... Merry Christmas

[Pushkar Prabhat]

Very creative!!!
I liked it!!!
Merry Christmas!!!
:)

[Tasfia Islam]

Thank you.... :) Merry Christmas...

[armin]

good poem and dark as always, your style of writing. But ya melted candle can be ignited again, may be a ruined candle or something else could make it more interesting. Thanks for sharing.

[Tasfia Islam]

A melted candle is eventually ruined, so it does make a sense.. I guess. Glad u liked it... Thank you :)

[A.J.]

very nicely written. a few things I noticed; you would do well to separate "im a crazy fool" somehow. is it you or the evil that is stating that? also, a melted candle can be re-lit. perhaps, a worn, ruined candle? also, david has some fantastic points... but be sure that you always keep in mind that its YOUR voice you are searching for. take everyone's advice and carefully consider it. but like he said, punctuation and clarification is always important, which is why I advised looking at "I'm a crazy fool" at its current placement.

[Tasfia Islam]

Thanks for the advice, glad you liked it... :)

[Rudi J.P. Lejaeghere]

Good poem, however with the same remark as David on the tenses. I must say that I also make mistakes in grammar, so I just look at what you are saying in your poem. I like the metaphor of the melted candle. Keep the good work up. :) Rudi

[Tasfia Islam]

Thank you... :) Annabelle

[Jamie]

Beautiful piece of work! a pleasure to read as always :)

[Tasfia Islam]

Thank you... :)

[ANNA]

I see where you were trying to go with this! Clever. I do agree with David review but your imagination is big and creative. I like your style, Keep up the work.:)

[Tasfia Islam]

Thank you.... :)

[♔ CrownedDevil &#..]

What a beautiful poem, such an amazing piece. :-)

Kaze~

[Tasfia Islam]

Thank you... :)

[♔ CrownedDevil ☾]

Your very welcome. :-))