Hope

It's strong enough, that even now when I have given up, I still go forth.

Today is just one of those days. You know, the kind of days that people refer to as, on of those days. The kind of day where you feel like theres no good coming your way, where the whole world around you feels like its falling apart. I'm still stuck figuring out who is indeed tearing my world asunder. Has it been the betrayal I faced or the fear of it reoccuring? Can it be that my peace of mind has been shattered? What of the fact that currently I have nothing to show for the good I have done?

               

                              I can't neccesarrily say I know what kind of day today is, or what kind it will be. I havent had straight thoughts in a week. My room is a mess. It resembles how I feel really, and with the heat, oh the unbearable heat, why would I want to go up there anyway? Maybe, just maybe, if my room is adjusted, perhaps if it is put back in place, and the images of the love I once felt are plastered back on my walls, maybe I'd feel happy again. I mean there is a chance is there not?

 

What of happiness hmm? why does it dare be a fleeting emotion to me? Why does every chance my anxiety gets it ruins it? doe is have no remorse? does it wish me dead? What of the voices? Could this be their ghosts? My emotions now being altered by the spirits of men that were never alive to begin with. I wonder just how hard it is to accept that the people that were never born, the people that never actually existed, seem to be the ones i wish were here the most. I wish I had her back too, where has she gone? I miss her so.

 

I have yet to recieve an answer whether or not my life will revert back to the old time when I knew life would be great with her in it. Why is it now that the hurt she has caused me has found a way inside, it never bothered me much before. Perhaps it is indeed trust. It is most certainly not alive right now. It died. I fear in my life that I bring her home with me only to one day arrive from work to see her with another man, for it is this vision, and this fear of the holy betrayal that has filled me on this day. I have already gained reason enough not to trust her, though I am unsure if this is due to the insanity or if it truely is her actions.

 

Yet, It was the other night i peered into her eyes only to smile at the though of seeing them everyday. It was there in that quick moment, every fear I had vanished and died like the trust and I heard her say "I love you." once more. I fear that I am on a borderline. One where people come to stay to avoid being hurt too much. I do love her, its the memories that make me stay, its the fear that drives me to mistrust her, but it is the love that keeps us so.

 

It has been discussed that she is in need of medical care. One order of prescription anit-depressants to keep her spirits high and to bring her back into the light where she once captured me and my heart. It is this hope that keeps me alive. Once she is fixed, once she is cured, once she is better, maybe then she would understand. I hate having to be the one who must teach her everything, when she knows nothing and yet refuses to listen. My Room, My house, it has this astranged effect on her. It makes her, less of the woman i fell in love  with. I cannot say that the medicine will help with that, but i surely can hope.

 

She wishes to live with me and my family this summer. The fact that all of this has happened, it gives me a second thought of everything. Maybe, and yet this can be because there is hope still, maybe once we give her what she needs, she will be our boo again. It is this hope that keeps my alive right now. The idea that my life dreams of being with her being shattered, would probably kill me inside, but inside, i have already died a little. Perhaps, now, im strong enough to not be hurt anymore? but then again, id rather her leave then betray me. I vowe, that I may marry this woman one day, that one day she is mine, that she is no longer lost in life. My quest starts now, I must find the source of this sinful creation, the reason why all of this has happened.

 

I have been told I am to blame, I wouldnt doubt them. I would say that the amount of lies i was fed could keep a poor family well fed for a few good years, at least then someone could flourish from my pain and actually deserve it. What are my final thoughts? well, the fact that things seem to always work out in the end is a dominant feeling. Perhaps I should do what I can and hope for the best? Yes? No? Maybe so. It is not uncommon i take personas to myself to expalin my current train of thought. Today I realized I am not whome I was, as usual, I'll referance Myself as The Restless, and may God have the mercy to allow me to sleep and rest, while the rest of the world destroys itself.

Author's Note

One of those days.

Reviews

[Candiss L Haste]

So much emotions.one of many days to come.as long as you have breath you will have a Why.all your writings are special to me your favorite reader..