Post-Past

Here I am, weeks after finishing high school and yet so much has transpired I didn't know what to do with it all. So, I decided, I'd put what I could here, so all can see and I can read at a future time. If I was asked if any of this would have happened, I wouldn't have guessed. The changes in me, the people around me, the forces that act within me, they are breath taking. none of this makes much sense, and it will seem as if I'm rambling (because I probably am) Make note that this article is to help my spirit and to give insight to those who read it.

 

It is currently 4:30. I have not  been able to sleep normally in days. At first it was due to terrible pillow choice but now, I'm forced out of my own bedroom because of weather and people's grooves. A great friend has left to serve his purpose in this world and another has stepped in to fill the role as the Wildcard, which ironically is the kind of friend I don't need right now. I've made a few new ones. And as I look back it seems I'm losing a bit of them as well. It seems I can't go a day without getting into some kind of issue whether it be internal mental incapacities or external issues caused by other individuals and their own problems. To me, it feels as if I am between a rock and a hard place. I could leave here, but where would I go? My only option is one this is, if nothing else, even worse. A location that causes so much anxiety within, that I'm healthier here than there. But where am I? I'm not home yet, that is for certain. I have no say so in my actions. I have no say so in the times I want to sleep. I have no say so in where I am to be. I have no say so in my own 'bedroom'. The only things I control are some video games, a PS3, and the clothes on my back. (as all others are fair game to those that deem them theirs.) I'm ready to grow up and leave, to start my own adventure, but there are obstacles in my way. First and most important is myself. I have to jump out of my own slump and start doing things I have to do, but with how sleep has been, the things others have me do, and the head injury I had which made me lose a week. I couldn't tell you how short this month has felt. To do what I have to do does entail getting rid of all that entertains me, that means dear to me, and to sacrifice my time as a person. Regardless if I did go and work, where would that money go right now? They would make me pay. They always talk of the pay that I'm responsible for, even though I'm only a guest here. If this is how I feel towards it, I'm going to need a push in the right direction.

 

For those that have pushed me out of the way, I don't quite understand. If it wasn't for me, one person would be without a love and their greatest friend, now a days it does feel as if the short end is my only end to them. No response from those that rolled with me. No word from anybody really. Those that do speak to me seem to talk of only money and work, and their dislike in my choices. I only know what I know. Though an obvious fact it should be noted that I can only know what I learn. And I do not learn very often. I memorize things. I record the 'go through the motions' to get things done. but I have not learned in a very long time. I often tell people around me that I need help. But I feel as if my cries are shoved away more often than I am. I need someone always there with a smile. I need someone who I can tell anything about anyone and nothing negative would come of that. But I fear that is long ways away. I was told many things in the last month. my hopes were raised and dropped but its nothing I cant live with. I did see some things and do some things I never thought imaginable, but, now, I own them, they are all mine. In my own little file I have very wrong things to the world tucked away for my enjoyment.

 

I miss having people miss me. I miss the old me. I miss being loved. I miss a lot of things. I miss being able to find answers. I wish I knew why I was and still am a dick. I wish I knew what makes me tick. Theres a lot of things here now I wish. Like, I wish that the things that happened didn't or maybe some things I was told would disappear from this universe. I want things to be... better, but how do I better things I cannot interact with? they are unattainable dreams I have. Maybe this is an issue for me? Maybe they 'd say I should lower my life standards even more so that this s****y little pocket on this rock seems more acceptable for a scrub like me. Its a vivid though, a far fetched good idea, but none the less nothing out of the norm for me to hear and quite possibly except. I Need a lot of things. I miss a lot of things. I want and wish for a lot of things. But I want change. I want it all to be different for the better but, I don't know what to do. I'm lost. With no home. No purpose. No passions to pursue. What reason have I for this plane of existence? I don't know...  That used to be the fun part for me. I used to think life's purpose was to live it. But I ain't doin much livin.

 

In the end I have people I need to talk to. Things I have to do. And demons to vanquish. until then, I am forced to accept what will be given to me. Nothing matters now.......except what I do next.