Every time I walk past your house it f***s me up.

Something I just started working on this evening

How we once treated each other; as lovers of rare earths

the words we said, that word we said; whispered desperately,

between the lipsound of your mouth on my arms

that sentence, finished with I do I do, I really really do

Seeing those eyes afterwards

dissipate into that shy smile

and that f*****g beautiful nose of yours

sticking out like some wild and furious satellite

to and for the world

What passion now? Gone, so cold

who are we now? Distant travelers

walking alone on the same road

I remember you and loved all of that

those freckles that you did gently let me kiss

that blushing smile that breaks me into raw cinders 

I ask you now, do I think of you?

I do I do, I really really f*****g do. 

Author's Note

I have never shared any writing before and I have hardly ever tried creative writing. But I thought this might be a nice way to reflect for a change. Would be interested on some structural feedback on the poem and also the general narrative... I appreciate it is probably very naive

Reviews

[SEO]

I love how raw and honest this piece is "I ask you now, do I really think of you? I do, I do, I really really f*****g do" I can feel the passion and agony put into this. It's fantastic! I also love the title, really sets the tone for the rest of the piece. On the structure I think it's fine but at times I think the random indents are kind of distracting and take away from the otherwise fluidity of the piece.

[Tanzy64]

Thanks Madison, I will keep working on it, tidy up the structure and flow and see if there are a couple more enhancements I can make on word choices etc.

[SEO]

No problem and awesome so like I said I really like it!

[Elizabeth]

As a narrative, I'd say that it does it's job as far as providing insight to who the narrator is. From what i interpret, the narrator is a hurting former lover (expressing his pain in anger) that is now morning a relationship. I would take the narrator to be male. The emotion and back story comes through really clearly in your words.