The necessity of smoke and mirrors

To be in a relationship is a social structure known to most of us and dearly held for morally true and correct. Our Western world is built on it and shaped by it and we learn early on to accept and love the fact that we will eventually end up with one person for the rest of our lives. I'm as woven into this fabric as you are, and we all in one way or another strive to fulfill this monogamous lifestyle without really questioning why. 

I have been through the trial and error of love for many years now and I've been in way way or the other in direct contact with everything from teenage dreams to hate, deceit, terror and entrapment. I have been cheated on but I have also cheated, I have broken hearts but been just as heart-broken myself. I've been full of love and compassion just as many times as I have feared for my life, trying to get out of it all. Love is a twisted f****r and you have to tread lightly not to completely loose yourself in it all. Your whole being is at stake and you should never surrender to someone else's rules completely, never negotiate until your true self is gone forever. Keep your personality. Keep it safe. 

I have now been in the best relationship of my life for about two years. I am over thirty years old now with loads of love in all shapes and forms behind me. I know myself enough now to know what I want and need. This man is kind, simple, generous, will be a good father in the future, a good provider who works hard and loves his wife and kids. He is funny and dear and easy to be with. I love him and I never want to leave him. This is it for me. 

But here's the thing: He is also younger, completely unexperienced in relationships, he is simple- and narrowminded and scared of changes. Compared to me, his intellect seems somewhat... undernourished, simply because as long as he can get by without having to work for it, he seems happy to take that road, i.e. he's lazy. 

He doesn't work out, he eats wrong and prefer to sit by the computer playing online games for hours at end. When I have serious talks with him about what he wants with his future, that I am concerned with his lack of comittment to moving forward with his own life, he always blaims his own shortcomings on external things. 

I don't mean to bash on him, but I need for you to understand both sides of him. 

This is a wonderful, caring, loving man, but he is far from the man that I need. 

It's been more than a year since I felt challenged in any way, shape or form. It's been more than a year since I felt the rush of passion run through me. I am growing sick and tired of understanding his potential and watching him do absolutely nothing with it. I am tired of him dodging the bullet and making up excuses for everything that needs to be done that he just doesn't seem to get done. It's always something external, never his fault. It's childish, frustrating and tearing. I love him dearly but sometimes enough is enough. In the past, I would have ended it and moved on. This time, I happen to be very much in love. 

I'm so confused here. I communicate what I need and expect from him, I say i out loud all the time. I don't even ask for much. I ask to see a certain drive, and that drive would probably benefit him even more than me. When I communicate and he doesn't change, over and over again... that's when my radar for other people switches on again. Yes, all those boys out there, all these interesting characters with drive and passion and... I get drawn into the mix and walk on the edge of everything our society tells us not to touch. I want to taste and feel because I am dry, empty and tired. I need for someone to wake me up.

I know many of you are shaking your heads now. "Then set him free and stay single!"

But... I don't want to. I love this man with all his flaws, but if nothing happens, if he keeps on denying his laziness and all that jazz, something has to be done for sure. I just don't care about society's rules anymore. If I want him and can get by with some smoke and mirrors, why shouldn't I? Little white lies to stay afloat, a moment away from him to catch my breath in the good company of someone else... As long as I don't sleep around, isn't venting in a giving enironment a good thing? I return without the frustration, I mean. 

... This sounds superficial no matter how I spin it. Sigh. 

I just... Who set the rules for how we all deal with our relationships? Why do we all have to follow rules written by someone else? If I can vent to other people for a while, flirt a little without sleeping around, to then return to my man, fully content and pleased...

... Then am I really such a sinner after all?

I take a bow here, getting ready to be hated on. Bring it b*****s. Bring it. 

Just don't be narrow-minded in the process.