A sardonic insurmountable battle

I miss you. rest in peace.

The fever came first. The surroundings pushed down on her as she lay there encircled by white walls waiting for the answer, the rain outside was falling harder and harder coinciding with the beating of her heart. She was paralyzed unable to answer, as her kids timidly asked “mom are you okay?" She stole a glance towards me as she bravely nodded her head.

Some where up there your looking

Standing here beneath the stars

Wondering how long is the trip to mars

Will you be there?

 

From the distance, we could hear the doctor’s faint footsteps as he approached, gradually growing more distinct until finally confirming my most dreaded thought, ‘the leukemia is back’. With those four words I felt my world crumble, I looked around at the faces of her children, all extremely young and vulnerable, yet even they could sense the morbid atmosphere that suddenly ensued and the tears of pain and anguish rushing down my cheeks. I looked down at the woman who had held such a valuable place in my heart, a woman who had I cared for so deeply, a woman who held the place of mother, friend and mentor. I couldn’t help but cry as I stared at the figure of this frail, near unrecognizable woman who had always blown me away with her optimism and strength of character.

 

 Your long golden hair shadowing your face

Years passed by but I still cant say goodbye

Will I ever stop cry

 

The cells multiplied yet she refused to give in and allow the disease to defeat her, she began a new round of chemotherapy and I watched in sorrow as chunks of her newly grown hair began to fall out. I often caught her staring at the mirror for hours on end, a look of sadness clear in her eyes; “do you think I am still pretty?” she would whisper. I was horrified to learn that despite her most gallant efforts, the cancerous cells had spread; in the face of this most grueling adversary, she could do no more than a child fending off an unstoppable monster.

 

Whenever I see him all I see in him is you

There in the school play ground

I see him different than all the kids in the crowd

A kid raised by an angel a mother I always longed for

Are u happy up there?

Oh how much I miss you

 

She  told me to always seize the day and follow my dreams. She stressed upon the unpredictability of life and how short it truly is. She urged me to appreciate every landscape and the gravity of each decision; her words rang in my ears as if they had been echoed from the roof tops or screamed from the depths of the earth. I found myself at a loss for words, I tried to comfort her with meaningless promises I knew I could not guarantee "we’ll find better days, don’t lose hope, we'll go through it together".

 

How much I pray to see you in my dreams

But I guess I sinned too much and have been deemed
Where you are seems to be as far as an eternity
Outstretched arms, open hearts,
if it never ends, then when do we start?

 

As the days and weeks progressed, I felt fear creeping into my every thought and my every dream; with each passing day she grew weaker and weaker. I never left her side, every session I would go with her and try to ease her pain; I fought beside her in the hardest battle either of us would ever face and at times we were rewarded with hope which planted itself into our souls, but then suffer the bitter disappointed which would undoubtedly follow.

 

I'll never leave you behind,
And with a tear in my eye

I'll scream it out loud I'll never leave you behind

 

 

Her body bent down and she sat on the ground. It was January and the ground was bare, but she felt no cold like walking in ones sleep. The same shiver, the same consistency she had come to associate with the disease. Yet the cold did not touch her, did not reach her. It was cold of the sea in a dream, she swam through its waters, but she neither felt its cold nor drowned in its waters. There she lies, too weak to fight any longer, as she wondered if black would always be black, if the white that surrounded her death chamber would always be white and if the color of her veins would always be blue. There stood her tomb declaring her defeat to one and all.

 

 

While the thought of you takes the weal of my mind

 I drawn into consciousness

Gazing into the portrait of yours,

Thoughts rushing to my mind like an overdose

Here beside my bed is where I wish you lay

 

Her death affected me from within and I went found myself hiding in the shell that I had created. I felt like an alien who had the lost the one person who had ever truly understood her to the ugliest of enemies. I found myself falling into a well with no means to escape until finally I heard her words echoing in my head “remember the music will stop and you'll wonder why you did not dance"

 

 

 Oh how much I wish I can turn back the hands of time

Bring back the old address "primetime"

Broken glass on the ground turns back into a window

Blood on the ground rushes back into your body

Travels to your head and all around your brain

Down to your chest and through your veins

Your soul slowly leaves like a wounded child

So I close your eyes and tell you goodnight

Hope you went to a better place that night

 

 

I learned how to stand up on my feet again and fight the chamber of loneliness and defeat, I know no longer view her death as a defeat but as a battle valiantly fought. It has taught me how nurture my ambitions and dreams, and the importance of valuing every moment. I have learned how to fight and struggle rather than just give in; fighting this battle with her has taught me a majority of the morals and beliefs that shape the person who I am today. I lost the woman that had become my family, and though she is no longer with me her on earth, I am now able to get up and stand on my own feet, no matter what adversities I may face. 

 

Standing alone in a dream

Where nothing is real

Wondering where have you disappeared

There were times I lost my way I was alone

Lost in haze where are you right now?

Il find you somehow

Because it hurts to be alone for such a long time

Alone such a fool with only my pride

When you don’t visit me at some nights

Id lay awake tossing and turning till day break

Where you are right now? Ill find you somehow

 

 

 

And there the flag rose above her tomb declaring victory.