Intro

New intro to teenage time-lord.

Why was I chosen? I mean I didn’t do anything wrong. Sure, maybe I lied a few times to my parents, or blamed my sister for things she didn’t do, but doesn’t every fourteen year old does that?

So, why was I given such an important task? I can ask myself this question as many times as I like and go back and look over my life to come up with an answer. And it always comes down to that day when everything changed.

 My name is Randy Burns, and at the age of fourteen I became a Time Lord.

Sounds like a big title, right? Well it's not really. All I have to do is make sure that every living person's life follows its destiny, no matter how much I like or hate that person. I have to walk around the world like a ghost, unseen and unheard, which may be a good thing, since I look sickly pale and dress with a black cloak.

 It's not exactly something that your average kid would wear when walking the streets with friends just enjoying their care-free lives.

 Did I mention I don’t like this job?

Every time I try to come up with an answer to this question and trust me I do it a lot since I'm a time lord, I always go back to one particular day. It seemed ordinary enough at the time, but at the end of that day my life changed and my world turned upside down. But like all good stories I'll start at the beginning.

It was a little after midnight. I was lying in bed buried under folds of fabric saturated in bright yellow wearing blue pj's with rockets and stars. I was holding onto a flash light while reading my favorite book.

Suddenly I heard noise from outside.

I placed the book in my lap and peered out of the covers and pointed the flashlight on the door, which caused the light to play around with the shadows of the dark room, making a Silhouette of me on the bedroom wall.

I could hear distant footsteps from outside and could make out a hint of light from under the door, someone is still awake.

Then silence, then the footsteps increased their pace and became louder, closer.

I clumsily shut off the flashlight nearly dropping it onto the floor and scooted inside the covers, my head facing towards the half open window, catching the light breeze on my face.

I shut my eyes but kept my attention on the footsteps that I could still hear right outside passing right by my door.

No way am I planning on getting caught awake at this hour, I'll be grounded for sure. 

I thought as I felt the cold wind on my face. At the back of my mind I could fadely remember hearing on the late night news of an upcoming thunder storm.

I rummaged around the covers to find the flashlight.

"got it"  I said silently as I turned it on and picked up the book from my lap, returning to the story.

 Before I knew it I couldn't keep my hands of the book as I was immersed inside an imaginary world. Every page, every word created colors of a fantasy world filled with exciting scenes that can only be made by the wildest imagination possible, but that's how I like it.

 Every character written in black ink on simple white paper suddenly stepped out, slowly taking shape, inhaling its first breath while walking between reality and dream.

Every vivid scene read is magically created inside my head, I can see it, I can feel it, as if I'm right there. Every happy moment excites me beyond measure, every moment of suspense captures my breath, makes the hair at the back of my neck stand on-end.

Suddenly I saw a flash of light, lightning.

 Seconds later I heard the sounds of distant thunder, making the window shake.

I climb out of the covers holding onto my book and walked barefoot on the wooden floor towards the window.

I peered outside, looking up at the night sky, the full moon lighting passing clouds. In the distance I could make out the flashes of lightning, lighting the up night sky, making shapes in the clouds. Seconds later the thunder came, shaking the sky as if it wanted to make its presence known.

I have always been fascinated by thunder storms ever since the day Mr. Mathews the biology teacher told us about them.

Honestly it's the only class I ever pay attention in. There is just something about the way Mr. Mathews explains things like volcanoes and earthquakes, as if it has not been repeated endlessly to half minded kids who could care less.

 But no, I am always at the edge of my sit listening intently. During one stormy cold day Mr. Mathews took the opportunity to talk about thunder storms, and I was hanging onto every word.

Ever since then I couldn’t help but get excited by the next thunder storm, something about such a powerful force of nature that can destroy anything in its way with such power is pretty cool.

I started to feel the chill of the wind, making me shiver slightly, the thought of the warm bed was very inviting. I shut the windows and returned to bed.

I wish I could stay here forever, under the covers, holding my book, reading with intense curiosity to see what happens next, what other unanticipated turn will happen that will my heart jump.

But drowsiness takes hold of me, dragging me away from the vivid scenes and emotions, making me drowsy.

 My eyes start to fail me, the words becoming bleary, incoherent. I try my hardest to struggle against the drowsiness, but it takes hold.

 I give up and fall asleep with my book on my lap, my sanctuary. I suddenly pass from reality to fantasy, I'm dreaming.

I'm in the book, my own little world of fantasy.

Colors so vivid, of sea blue, I can feel I'm under the waves, they are moving me slowly, I'm in sync with the currents, breathing deeply, inhaling the salty air into my lunges. The image changes, I'm standing in a fight scene right in the middle of the action.

Before I know it a sword slashed through the air, I instinctively put my arm in front of my face, a sword appearing in it out of nowhere. I fight my enemy with ease, every movement as fluid as the next.

 I savor both his arms; he screams and drops on his knees begging for mercy. The scene shifts, like a box with many faces, I'm swept off my feet, numbers and words fly all around me, inside that blue sea color.

I'm drifting away, wondering where my dream will take me next. Suddenly I'm standing in the middle of the school cafeteria, completely dark except for one lamp dimly lighting above me.

I hear footsteps, I'm ready to fight.

Bullies approach me, twice my size, making signs across their necks so I would get the message loud and clear. They walk slowly towards me with a sly devilish smile on their faces.

 I'm standing, confident, unphased by the 6 enemies that are approaching me. One of them pounce foreword, I dodge him aside, he falls into the darkness. Another, I punch him; he falls dead cold on the ground.

 The others pounce on me all at once, I have my sword at hand, I fight them with ease. It feels so easy, I smile as I beat my opponents, I feel invisible, the master of my own world. And then abruptly it changes.

 I get this tugging sensation in the depths of my stomach, like something is sipping all my strength away from me, I drop to the ground without my sword, all the word seems to be closing in, the light above me becoming dimmer. I could see with half slited eyes my enemies rising like zombies from the dead, with a hungry look in their eyes. I breath shallowly, they pounce, I'm a goner, they hit me and kick me and punch from every direction, I scream but no sound comes out, my throat is shut.

My eyes open wide, every part of my body screaming with agony. Barely couscous I see a blurry shape approaching me, holding something in its arm. He stands above me and lifts me half off the ground by my hair, pressing the blade sword's blade on my neck, pushing it in. In a cold husky voice, he says into my ear.

 "Any last requests Worm?" and then with he lifts the sword up in the air aiming for my neck, the sword swishing through the air, and…

"NO! "

Author's Note

Note:I'm aware of spelling and grammer errors.

Reviews

[FatalRewind]

I'm sure you heard this before but it's a better intro then before but some details can be taken out. Good though.

[James Watts]

I agree that some of the detail could be trimmed down and then spaced out over the course of the novel in subtle doses. However, I do think this is going to be a good story. My advice though, DO NOT worry about trimming away yet. Finish your rough draft to the last word of the story. Then step away for about a week, go back and read the entire story from beginning to end. Do this when you can be relaxed and will have no interruptions. The reason for this is because if you revise right away the story is still really fresh and you will look at it with a biased eye.

[Alex Luna]

There is a few punctuation errors (as if i had the right haha) and you might want to make the paragraphs a bit longer, but i like it.

[HorrorMaster]

Very good intro of this.

[Alittlepertubed]

this is really good i hope you plan on writing more :3

[J.Burgoyne]

The introduction is brilliant, but I'd watch out for the amount of information in it. Too little can make it seem vague, and too much makes it seem a little voiceless and stops it from flowing as well. You can always put some of the information into the other chapters. I'm definitely going to read on.

[Rain]

is this the new intro ..... lol, im assuming it is.
There was a great deal of detail, though detail is good, too much can drag on the story. So I agree, cut it down a bit, and it'll be good.

This was interesting, especially the last part, it makes me want to read more.
So good job :D

[Minki]

Reading this definitely made me curious for more. I think it's better than the first intro you wrote. The tense changed right in the middle (from past to present) which was a bit confusing, but otherwise it was good.

[Domenic Luciani]

I think the seventh paragraph is a bit overkill. You got your point across with the earlier ones.
I would describe what sort of noise it was in the ninth line, and that it's outside the room not the house.
the ninteenth paragraph looks really weird, but I think it's a cafe' mistake, because when I copied and pasted it here, it was fine.

Overall, I have to say there was a little too much detail, mostly in the first section. In the second section there was still a little much, but it was relevant. In the earlier part, a lot of the detail described didn't really have/add a purpose to the story and most of it could be trimmed down.
I suggest keeping it simple (but not dull) and making the detail relevant (but not bland). but it's a good story so far, and I want to know what happens next.

[Dream Weaver]

Tali, this is kind of long for a intro no? I like it very much but it
seems your giving away too much of the storyline here. I think
you should scale it back some and make it kind of a tease where
the reader will come back for more. IMO