Chapter 2-I pay a visit to the principal's office

The principal's office was only a short distance away across the hall. It was 5 minutes before the classes ended so I had the privilege of walking through the empty hallway, but it didn’t leave me much time to think about what I'm going to say to Mr.D.

Dear Mr.D, bless him, a beefy man in his 50's with an even beefier face but big eyes filled with kindness. He would never admit it but he always had a soft spot for me, every time I paid a visit,(which is pretty often),he never once yelled at me and never gave me detention. So in reality I wasn’t scared of what Mr.D is was going to say, I was more worried about the phone call to my parents.

I entered Mr.D's office, which was as usually decorated with the school mascot and some trophies and awards resting in a glass cabinet,

School pride on three!

Anyway the principal was sitting at his desk with a coffee in one hand and today's newspaper in the other, his legs resting on top of the table. Clearly he noticed me come in cus' when the moment I sat he put down his coffee and newspaper.

"Well Randy, not a moment too soon I see"

Yeah" ,I shifted uncomfortably in my chair."

"Ms.Dravis has been complaining about your attendance in her class, or lack thereof"

"yeah", I replied, looking at the floor.

"You know Randy I was never a huge fan of math, so I give you credit for just being in class", he said and a small smile spread across his face. then he took back his coffee and newspaper and said dismissively.

"Don’t worry about it hmm…Mr.Burns…" A teacher was passing by in the hallway.

"Well.."Mr.D returned to his previous position," I don’t think that detention would apply to you, just for listening to some music and drawing in your sketch book ,but, I don’t want to see you again in my office, not unless you won some kind of trophy that I can put in my case", he pointed at the glass cabinet.

"Now go, I'll try to be as gentle as I can when…I explain your parents of your actions during math class, enjoy your weekend, Mr.Burns", and with that he returned to reading his newspaper.

""oh and don’t forget your player and sketch book, he rummaged through one of his drawers and retreated my stuff".

"Thanks Mr.D",I said with a small smile, exhaling.

The bell rang, and I could hear hundreds of kids busting the classroom doors, running through the hallway to enjoy the weekend. I waited until the worst of it pasted, I don’t want to start my weekend by being trampled into a pancake.

I got out of Mr.D's office when only the last few kids were walking around the hall, some of them were my classmates so I looked away but could hear them giggling under their breath,(shut up).

It was mid noon when I left school, my house is only a few block away so I decided to walk home instead of being mocked on in the school bus which at one point passed me by and I got a taste of some papers in my face.Anyway,so I was walking around the neighborhood, the houses looking the same and the trees were bare, all the orange and red leaves resting in a neat pile in the garden

Just a few minutes later I was already at my houses' front door, but I was too scared to open it. What would my mom say after I promised her I wouldn’t do this stuff anymore, of course by this time she already got the call from Mr.D and is probably furious with me.

So I took the key from under the door mat and slowly opened the door and sneaked inside, hoping no one would notice me. When I came in I got the hint of my mom' cooking in the kitchen. My stomach rumbled and protested in response but I kept walking towards the stairs. I got halfway up before.."MOM,RANDY IS HOME".

II looked at the top of the staircase to meet my big sister Ashley who was smiling slyly back at me."Gee thanks bid sis'",I said with a snarl "No problem ,worm" ,she replied back and went down the stairs towards the kitchen, bumping me on the shoulder as she passed.

"RANDY!!",my mom went running from the kitchen with her drape and specula.

"What is it I just heard from your principal, you were listening to music during class again!"

I rolled my eyes and went down the stairs to meet my mom's furious gaze.

"Mom I'm sorry", is all I managed to say.

"Sorry, yeah, and only you were listening to that mp3 player you were also drawing in that stupid sketch book yours".

"It's not stupid!"

Randy shouted, and regretted the words as soon as they came out.

His mom gave a cold look, "well if that's you want to communicate young man then your grounded for this weekend.

"but mom!" Randy started to protest, but his mom shook her arms dismissively.

 

"No urging with me, your grounded, and of discussion, no TV, no internet".

And with that she mrs.Burns left the living room, leaving Randy in a state of  awe.

"My life sucks", Randy mattered under his breath as he made it up the stairs with his backpack hanging on one shoulder, contemplating the miserable weekend he is going to have.

He opened the door to his room which was at in the middle of the corridor, between Ashley's and his parent's bedrooms. He dropped his backpack on the floor, which was littered with cloths and sketches and threw himself onto his bed.

"No internet or TV". He mattered to himself as he rubbed his eyes, then looked at the computer which sat on his desk, then thought about the TV in the living room.

"At least I have my sketch book", that was the only positive he could think of in this at the time. So he just lay there, not thinking of nothing in particular, just staring at the ceiling, and then a thought crept to his mind.

 

"I shouldn't have done that stupid sketch in the first place", I said to himself, and then I had pangs of guilt swirl over me feeling pangs of guilt, that because of a stupid chain of events he gets to sit at home grounded with no Tv and internet, his life lines.

"Stupid, stupid", I matters to myself shifted my gave to the floor where my bag pack was, the sketch picking out of it as if teasing him. So he quickly got off the bed and took the sketch by both hands and tore it to little pieces.

"well at least it's a good way to release anger".

"Mom when is dinner, I'm starving!?"I shouted out of my bedroom door.

"It's ready worm", I looked over and saw my sister Ashley peering through her bedroom door. Ironically ,although I have been her brother, well, ever since I was born and  my room is right next to her I have never really seen the inside of her bedroom, not that I wanted or planned to go in there.

She locked gazes with me ,a cold look in her eyes and a sly smile spread across her face.

"What", I asked in a cold tone, knowing very well why she was grinning, at my pain and sorrow.

"So I hear you're grounded," she said with mock happiness as she walked towards me, our faces now only inches from each other.

I folded my arms and stood my ground, although inside all I could think of is how hungry and tired I was. 

She could see I was in no mood to fight, so she just kept pressing me, you know, for before dinner entertainment.

"So how many times have you been grounded this month worm", she asked me, mimicking me. I had my head bowed to the ground because I was just so tired, thinking 'ok just don’t say anything, it will be over more quickly', but I couldn’t help but lock gazes with her again, she was touching a very sensitive subject and my eyes with persons were probably flaring with rage.

She smiled again, that evil grin, because she knew she just touched a nerve, but decided to leave the subject, probably to let it boil for a little while, so we headed towards the dining room, hating each other juts, ahh…good times.

 

 

 

 

 

Reviews

[MR_BERG]

The switch from first to third to first person is confusing. I hope you made some sort of cut and paste error. Keep the story moving.

[James Watts]

I matters to myself shifted my gave to the floor where my bag pack was, the sketch picking out of it as if teasing him. So he quickly got off the bed and took the sketch by both hands and tore it to little pieces. (this is confusing. May want to revise.)

I have to agree that switching tenses will hurt this story. You may only use one. If you are not sure which to use, write the story from both tenses, separate stories, then read through and see which you like the best.

[The Doctor]

i absolutely love this story, but i'm confused on the position of the wrting...is it first person, or third?

[Matthew Ian Herrawood W]

I enjoyed this. i dont think the princabe is too good to be true I got called to the princibles office once i didnt know what i had done. he told me to sit down offered me a drink and then gave me some pictures he thought i would like!

[Atlanta Carter]

I think most of the grammatical issues have been covered below. I disagree about the switch from first to third person and back. That's a big no-no. As I said in my review of chapter one, I would switch it all to third person.

As far as the story is concerned, I think the Principal is a little too good to be true, and the dialogue between them is a little lightweight. Even if he likes Randy, he's going to be more stern and "corrective". Being an effective Principal is all about making deals. "You get this back if you stop bring it to school. If I catch you with it again, you'll have to serve a detention, and neither of us wants that."

I would like to see a little more about Randy's relationship with his sister. It would help if you were in third person, that would allow you to take time out to describe and discuss her, as well as the Principal.

You rely a little too much on adverbs. Many authors (including Stephen King) say that you should avoid them if at all possible. Use verbs and nouns that accurately convey the meaning you want. Then modify with adjectives, and finally an adverb if absolutely necessary. Also, don't forget to use "you're" to mean you are (i.e. not "your").

Saying all that, I think this chapter flows better than the first. There are fewer parenthetical phrases, bless you, that interrupt the narrative. Methinks also that you have turned your spellchecker on. That's all good.

[Steve]

Tali,

i have read this chapter a few times now and I have a few quick reactions to it if you dont mind. Here goes.....

"School pride on three!" what does this mean?

"me come in cus' when the moment" you really need to just write because here

"oh and don’t forget your player and sketch book, he rummaged through one of his drawers and retreated my stuff". Tali, the quotes are not in the right place here. the quotes should end after 'book'

You also need at times to use spaces. Sometimes you are not allowing spaces where they belong. For example, "No internet or TV". He mattered to himself
Tali, you should allow yourself a space after the period after TV. It would make it easier to read

I hope you dont mind my criticism my friend......

Kerwin

[Sasha]

I feel the same for this as I did for the first chapter. It's humorous and from the perspective of a 14-year-old boy, very realistic. I have to say, that kid has the coolest principal ever and it was easy to empathize when his annoyance when his sister screwed him over -> mocked him later. From what I can tell, this story hardly needs my help beyond technical errors. And I'm pretty sure Domenic took care of them in his massive review. Those aside, I am enjoying this read. It's easy to relate to.

[Domenic Luciani]

I'm just going to point out some spelling errors and a few sentences that read weird..
"but it didn’t leave me much time to think about what I'm going to say to Mr.D." (you switch tenses here)
"Dear Mr.D, bless him, (was) a beefy man in his 50's with an even beefier face but big eyes filled with kindness." (the rest of the sentence could be reworded)
"cabinet(.)"
"his legs (rest(ed) or (were) resting) on top of the table."
You did this throughout: "yeah", ("yeah,") comma goes inside dialogue, and somethimes I saw this: "RANDY!!", (you don't need the comma at all)
"( ) the moment I sat(,) he put down his coffee and newspaper."
"a small smile spread across his face. then... " (you could do a lot with this sentence, but don't forget that T
""Don’t worry about it hmm…Mr.Burns…" A teacher was passing by in the hallway." (this one just sounds a bit strange)
"book(,) but( )I don’t want..."
"It was mid noon when I left school, my house is only a few block away so..." (you changed tenses again)
""Thanks(,) Mr.D"," (comma before a title)
"running through the hallway(s)" (another tense change)
"I got out of Mr.D's office (as) ( ) the last few kids were walking " (just a suggestion)
"in my face.Anyway,so I was walking around the neighborhood, the houses looking the same and the trees were bare, all the orange and red leaves resting in a neat pile in the garden" (this one sounds a bit strange as well)
"What would my mom say after I (had) promised her I wouldn’t do this stuff anymore(?)"
"(doormat)"
"(I) looked at the top of the staircase to meet my big sister Ashley who was smiling slyly back at me."Gee thanks (big) sis'",I said with a snarl "No problem ,worm" ,she replied back and went down the stairs towards the kitchen, bumping me on the shoulder as she passed." (some of this could be reworded as well)
""No (arguing) with me, you('re) grounded, (end) of discussion, no TV, no internet(.)""
""It's not stupid!" (you spaced these two lines) "Randy shouted, (regretting) the words as soon as they came out."
--After this you switch back and forth between first person and second person, definitely need to iron that one out.
"she (M)rs.Burns" (not sure what you want with this one)
"which was (at in) the middle of the corridor" (pick one)
"floor, which was littered with (clothes) and sketches and threw himself onto his bed." (could be reworded)
""No internet or TV". He (muttered) to himself as he rubbed his eyes, then looked at the computer which sat on his desk, then thought about the TV in the living room" (needs rewording)
"the miserable weekend he (was) going to have"
--Thoughts don't need quotations, but sould have "I thought" after them.
"that was the only positive he could think of (in this at the time). So he just lay there, not thinking of nothing in particular, just staring at the ceiling, and then a thought crept to his mind." (could use some rewording)
"I said to himself, and then I had pangs of guilt swirl over me feeling pangs of guilt, that because of a stupid chain of events he gets to sit at home grounded with no Tv and internet, his life lines" (I was bewildered at this entire paragraph, lol)
"Stupid, stupid", I matters to myself shifted my gave to the floor where my bag pack was, the sketch picking out of it as if teasing him. So he quickly got off the bed and took the sketch by both hands and tore it to little pieces." (This one sounds strange as well)
(Mom, When is dinner?" I shouted. "I'm starving!")
""It's ready worm", I looked over and saw my sister Ashley peering through her bedroom door. Ironically ,although I have been her brother, well, ever since I was born and my room is right next to her I have never really seen the inside of her bedroom, not that I wanted or planned to go in there." (I would fix this one as well.)
"What(?) I asked
"knowing (very well why) she was grinning, (at my pain and sorrow.)" (pick one or the other)
"and my eyes (with persons) were probably flaring with rage."
"knew she'd just "
Aside from the grammar stuff, it's pretty good. I just wish there was more of a hint as to where the plot was going, but that's just me.

Phew, I can't believe I just went grammar nazi, lol..

[Steve]

very nicely done.....you are very good at conversational dialogue. Its amazing how few are good at that. The story really seems to be developing...i actually am starting to care about what happens next!

[Cody Wiggins]

It was good