Chapter 1 - I get caught

First chapter in the "I'm a teenage time-lord" book.It's kind of an intro to the main character Randy Burns.

Why was I chosen? I mean I didn’t do anything wrong in my lifetime .Sure, maybe I lied a few times to my parents, or blamed my sister for things she didn’t do, but doesn’t every 14 year old does that?

 Why was I given such an important task? I can ask myself this question as many times as I like and go back and look over my whole life to always return to that moment where everything changed. My name is Randy Burns, and at the age of 14 I became a time lord.

Sounds like a big title, right? Well it's not really. All I have to do is make sure that every living person's life goes according to their destiny, no matter how much I like or hate that person. I have to walk around the world like a ghost ,unseen and unheard, which I think is a good thing since I look sickly pale and dressed with a black cloak, not exactly something that your average kid would wear when walking the streets with friends just enjoying their care-free lives. Did I mention I don’t like this job?

Every time I try to come up with an answer to this question, and trust me I do it a lot since I'm a time lord. I always go back to one particular day. It seemed ordinary enough at the time, but at the end of that day my life changed and my world turned upside down.

 It was a typical Friday morning, right before the school finished and the weekend officially started,(funny how weird things always happen during the weekend).I was sitting in the classroom with the rest of my restless classmates, and the reason why I don’t call them my friends  is because they are not

I wasn’t paying much attention to what was going on around me; I had my hoodie on so I could listen to some music without getting caught. I had my head down low and my hoodie over my messy hair trying to hide the earplugs, keeping the sound as low as possible, again so the teacher wouldn’t catch me.

My teacher by the way is Ms. Darvis, a shroud math teacher whose sole purpose is to bore us to death with math equations and torture us with tests. She is a real eye sore that loving Ms. Darvis, with her thinning graying hair pulled in a bun and her skirts that look like my mom's kitchen drapes and business like jackets. And to make this package perfect is her face, which has this permanent scald and tiny eyes looking murderously through her glasses like death rays.

But I wasn’t looking at Ms. Darvis although I did hear her shuffle back and forth in front of the board mumbling something about another math equation that is going to be on this Monday's test,(though now I do really wish I did listen).All I could see where a few glimpses of  her heels on the aluminum floor. No, I was more focused on my sketch book, doodling around some stuff, which looked strangely like a certain math teacher being hung above the mouth of a volcano; don’t ask me where did that idea come from.

So I just kept listening to my music, looking up from my sketch book from time to time to see if Ms. Darvis hasn’t noticed what I was doing. Through the music I could still hear some talking behind me .Apparently I wasn’t the only one who wasn’t bothered with Monday's test and more about plans for the weekend.

"Oh my god I just can't wait to watch that movie, the lead actor is so hot!"(Yeah so hot it makes me gag).

"Dude I can't wait until the weekend starts, I'm goanna be at my dad's house and he got me a go-cart, its goanna be so awesome!"(I'm sure it will, I hope you crash into a tree!)

"Oh gosh I have to study for this test, I can't fail, my mom would ground me forever!"(Wow, well I guess someone is listening to Ms. Darvis).

Yeah yeah I know it's not nice to think this way about friends, but hey, they are not my friends!

So while I was eavesdropping on the talking that was going on around me I couldn't help but think about my own plans for the weekend, or lack of them.

"I've got nothing",

kind of frustrating, having two days off of school with nothing to do but look forward to the next week of school and seeing Ms. Darvis and her deadly ray eyes.

I got a little sidetracked, and put down my pencil and started wondering off to depressing thoughts of sitting in my room and playing video games, so much that I didn’t notice that my pencil was slowly rowing off to the edge of the table. Eventually it dropped on the floor.

of course I didn’t notice anything because I had my mind somewhere else, but when I put my hand where I placed the pen and saw that it wasn’t there I started looking around my desk. Finally I saw that it fell on the floor at the foot of my table, so I leaned down to grab it. When I got it I also got a close look at Ms. Darvis's shiny heels.

"Oh s**t", is all I could think of, as I sat back on my chair I realized my hoodie fell off. Instead of feeling the top of my jacket I touched my messy hair instead, and then I smiled awkwardly at Ms. Darvis, who was giving me the darkest most icy look.

"Can you hear anything through those headphones?"Asked Mrs. Davis, with an edge of anger in her voice while leaning close to my face, and I probably had the most scared expression on my mine as I pulled down my earplugs only to hear all the class giggling and sneering behind me.

"So, I see you have more important things to listen to then my explanations for this Mondays' test don’t you Mr. Burns".(I hate when people call me by my last name).

There wasn’t much I could do to get away from this annoying situation, although it was torture, with Ms. Dravis's eyes boring at me and the classmate's eyes boring at my back.

"Have anything to say for your defense, Mr. Burns?"

"I...I'm sorry Ms. Darvis, it won't happen again", I stuttered, cu's suddenly  I realized that her eyes where slowly looking at my desk, which had my sketch book wide open, so I slowly draped my hands on top of the paper, hoping she wouldn’t notice. But of course she did.

"And WHAT IS THIS?!" she said with a shriek, grabbing the paper from under my hands. Before I could snatch them back she was already looking at my "teacher over the volcano sketch", (too bad I didn’t get the chance to write down who it was about, not that it bothered Ms. Darvis.)

"Well Mr. Burns", she said with a puff of air, her scowl expression hardening, not that I thought it was humanly possible.

"I think that you will have plenty of things to talk about this with the principal and with your friends, during detention.

"But..But..Ms. DARVIS!"

"To the principals Mr. Burns" ,she pointed towards the class's door, not that I needed any directions, I took my backpack, slipped it on my shoulder and left the class, but not before Mr. Darvis took away my sketch book and Mp3 player

"And I will confiscate those; you will have them only after you return for the principal's office and a call to your parents."

All I could do it just looked at her, I probably had the darkest look on my face, but through the giggling of the students and this awards and unfair situation I managed to crack a smile and say with the least shaky voice I could mange:"Yes Mrs.Darvis".

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

Please be gentle about commenting about grammer and spelling.Focus more on the description and personlity of the characters and the humor in the story.

Reviews

[Atlanta Carter]

Yes, there are grammar and spelling/wrong word issues, but I think you have a more fundamental problem. This, I think, should be your prologue, not what you now call the introduction (which is completely unnecessary). You should finish this scene as your prologue, and then move on from chapter one. I haven't read ahead yet to see where ch 1 should begin.

The reason is that it isn't really part of your story. It isn't about Burns becoming a time lord, but what he does after he becomes one. Right? That's where chapter one begins. The first part of this "tells" rather than "shows." That works if you are telling it aloud, but read, it lacks action, and tries to explain too much (called by many an "infodump"). Explain through your action and you will avoid readers tuning out. You should also avoid unnecessary parenthetical remarks. If they belong in parentheses, they are incidental to your story and would be chopped by an editor. Make them more important and integral to your text, and your character will come alive.

Another thing is that I suggest you rewrite the whole thing in third person. It takes a lot of skill to write a whole novel in first person, and it limits what your character can do and know. As you are young and inexperienced, try to learn third person first and then go on to first person later.

[.]

First off, I think your main character comes across wonderfully for the age that you have made him. I love the way he describes his surroundings in a reality with a humor twist style. I think your teacher character may have come across a bit to screechy...it took away from the story for me and made ask, "who is this? a teacher or a demon?" (Just my opinion though..:)
The concept of the story is ok, but I think it will be the storyline that will make the story come to life.

I'm gonna assume that english is a second language for ya sugar, so don't worry so much about grammer at this point. It can be cleaned up later in an edit. Alot of the spelling stuff would be caught in a spell checker (If you have one available? If not, it's understandable.)

I think it's a great start and has alot of potential! Keep up the good work!
*Big Hugs!* - Tara

[FatalRewind]

It reminds me of a time back in 11th grade. So far, I like it. A Mid Class student who hates math class, brilliant. I wanted to read more after she sent the student to the office.
I say continue.
(I know you said it before, Spelling and grammar fix too.)

[Domenic Luciani]

The beginning rambles a bit and doesnt really hold interest.
The stuff in parenthesis makes things really choppy.
There are a few places where you repeated words and that affects the readability as well.
The dialogue is hanging dangerously on the edge of bland and unrealistic
The sentence fragments can seem humorous to you, but its like taking scissors to the flow.
In the last few paragraphs, you changed the sex of the teacher.
Aside from the opening, there was nothing to progress the story, and not much description aside from a few physical decriptions. There's a lot lacking in the way of personality and things about the character.
The first chapter is very important and its a big deal to make it good.
I know practically nothing about the story, so I can't say whether or not it will be good, so just keep going.

[Cody Wiggins]

Its a good start really good job