Introduction

A short intro about Summer and her family.

Summer was a teenager, aged 15, and was happy with her daily life. She had a perfect school, friends, parents, house and her beautiful life. Her best friend, Fiona, had been her best friend since age 4. Fiona is really good looking and funny and Summer is proud to be her friend.

Summer was 14 when she started to feel like someone was around her, watching her but she kept on ignoring no matter how badly she felt it. Her Mum, Laura, warned her every time, since Summer was 12, to be careful but she never listened to her and instead said "I’ll be Okay, Mum, just don’t worry. I am your daughter; I never give up or get into trouble or danger, just like you. Okay. Just don’t worry." But her Mum still worried about her. Summer knew that her mum was hiding something awful from her that will ruin or change her life completely. She knew that desperate times are about to come and that soon she would never know.

 

And then one day, only one day changed her whole life.

 

Her mum died with a sudden accident she never knew about. She was in school at the time. When she came home her dad, Kevin, was sitting in the front room crying, quiet enough to hear it. She tried to ask what had happened. For a moment he sat silence and said nothing. But after a short moment in time, he spoke. He didn't tell her whole story; he told her that her mum is dead. Summer was about to cry, tears were filling her eyes and everything went blurry but she took control of it. She remembered her promise to her mum “Don't worry Mum I will never get hurt”. She knew her mum would be watching her.

 

Her Dad had changed completely; he wasn't the same as before. Summer once tried to ask him about what had happened to her Mum but he kept on hiding it. She knew that there was a great secret he was hiding from her but she never forced him to tell her what was going on.

 

She had these feelings that she never had before; she felt them soon after her mum died. It was like something was taking over; something from her Mum. She felt like someone was watching her. She couldn't work out either the one watching her was looking after her, protecting her or was she in danger; the one looking at her was dangerous to her or was something else. Sometimes she felt like she was being protected and sometimes she felt like she was in a danger. No matter how hard she tried to get to know what it is, she failed.

 

This is when it all started.

Reviews

[marie]

this kind of looks like point blocks for a story you WANT to write, you state everthing so the reader doesn't have to think.... let us have some fun, don't be so blunt. other than that a great story :)

[Anonymous Girl]

I wanted to be like this
Thanks for the review ^^

[marie]

no prob :)

[Anonymous Girl]

:)

[MachinaWriter]

Its a good story, but I think you could do well with the "Show, don't tell" philosophy. Don't tell me she's happy with her life. Dont' tell me she has a good school or that her friend Fiona is pretty and she's proud to be her friend. Don't tell me she was fourteen when she started feeling like someone was watching her. Explain through action, dialogue, with the flow of a movie scene, things being explained in the context of the setting and through her conversations and thoughts. It creates a sense that the world is unfolding before the reader's eyes. Other than that, I like the concept and your grammar is perfect.

[Anonymous Girl]

Thanks for criticising but the Introduction was meant to be "Show" rather than tell :)
Thanks again :)

[Horizon K.]

Very interesting start with mysterious foreshadowing to pull the reader in. I do think it would be even more effective if you wrote each bit as a mini scene just as she experiences it instead of this more reviewing of the past style. I'm definitely curious to know what happened to her mom & what is going to happen to her!

[Anonymous Girl]

Glad you are curious! Thanks for the review ^^

[Shubham's View]

You need to check some of your present tense/past tense usage in some places. Keep it constant!

[Anonymous Girl]

Okay thanks for the review ^^

[.quan.011.]

This was nice intro, it was very straightforward, It gives some details while still being very vague. I didn't find anything wrong with grammar wise. So good job. It was a great read and i can't wait to read more.

[Anonymous Girl]

Thanks for the review... I had planned to post chapter 6 today but didn't get a chance to so it might be up on wednesday :) thanks again! :)

[Angie Diane♥&hea..]

This was a nice intro. I enjoyed it really much. I already like Summer, but I feel bad for her. Her mother didn't deserve to die, but I can't wait to read the story. It sounds really interesting. Thanks for sharing.

[Anonymous Girl]

Thanks and you are welcome... Keep on reading and you'll know how and why she died!! Thanks again :):):)

[Felicity's Eve]

This is an awesome intro and I cannot wait to read more! Quite well-written :)
You are a way better writer than me, by the way

[Anonymous Girl]

Thanks but you are also very very good :)

[Felicity's Eve]

:)

[Hester Vane]

This is a good strong start to a story! Just change the "is" in the first line to a "was", to keep the whole thing in the same 3rd person narrative voice. Everything else is great, I will definatley read on!

[Anonymous Girl]

Thanks for review and pointing out the mistake... :):):)

[.]

Your way of writing makes me wanna read more! Great but sad chapter 100/100 :)

[Anonymous Girl]

Thank you :)

[.]

you're welcome! :)

[Heather]

ohh good start, makes me want to know more, you did a great job of grabbing me and enticing me to go to the next chapter

[Anonymous Girl]

Thanks glad you liked it :)