Thought #10 - More Than Four

Taku.

These four letters sum up who I am. Within these four letters exists a conscience, dreams, aspirations, goals, likes, dislikes, loves, and hates. Yet, these four letters do not define who I am since not two people with the same name are identical.

Aristotle was wrong. We are not what we repeatedly do but rather, we are what we think not what we are perceived to be by others through our actions.

Who are you? What are your thoughts?

As I pass by blank faces in the blinding pointlessness of my existence I want to ask these figures these questions to give them shape.

I suppose it is only the fault of my adolescence to be curious. But perhaps, this shall be my downfall. My thirst to understand but lack of attempt may just drive me insane.

That is why I am left here alone, again, writing. I am writing of what I wish my life could be. In each character I write a bit of myself. Therefore, over time, I should develop a story of my life that is interwoven through the works I once typed out of heartbreak, out of fury, or out of lust.

I desperately wish to be the characters I write. I write each character as if I had made the alternative decision. I only play out the best scenario, never the worst. Maybe I am addicted to the self-anguish that doing this creates. Maybe I desperately want to hurt. Maybe, I am obsessed with the chase of love.

This chase is one I can never give up nor can I catch what I desperately need. My legs will not give out but yet with each step I feel as if going on will result in the inevitable collapse. You see how torturous this is?

Even in relationships, it’s not enough. I don’t care who or what she is, I cannot be satisfied and, in my mind, I cannot satisfy her. This may be due to the unequally balanced yoke. For myself, I must put my all into the other and give up myself freely. But, due to the culture I have grown into, the desires of my lover change like the ocean’s breeze. There is no direction and it is constant. This results in me pouring my all into this person all the while they have moved on. Because of this I am stuck, with myself dispersed across every area I once desired to satisfy in.

I do not want to be satisfied by my significant other but rather, I can only satisfy myself through the thoughts and actions that I perform. If I am not totally and wholly sacrificed than how can I be appeased with who I am to them?

This picture of love is part of who I am. I most likely will never be married since the only thing I can truly give myself wholly to is my words. I can only marry my words since I know each is sincere and true. Believing otherwise is foolish.

The trust lost in others is not their fault but instead my own. Holding a broken individual to a standard that I have determined is unfair. I have created these issues through the expectations I have of affection. Regardless, no matter what standards I posses, affection is yet another fleeting emotion that comes and goes.

Affection only lingers for a moment but can affect a memory forever. The affection possesed is so easily lost because we grasp hold of emotions that we are familiar with such as sadness or hatred. We then let these emotions dictate our thoughts and heart's desires.

Despite the tone and diction, this is not about others but rather about myself.

It can take a lot of words to explain four letters and a lot of embrace to understand a blank face.

Author's Note

leave whatever thoughts you desire.