Standing Across From the Bistro

I submitted this into an under-ten-minute one-act play festival. It wasn't chosen but I'm still proud of it. It's based on a short story I wrote originally titled "Standing Across From Le Bec-Fin."

 

(A young couple, early-to-mid-twenties, is standing on a street corner, trying to hail a cab.  Both are dressed rather grungy, as if they have just left a rock show.  He (HIM) is slightly goofy and mostly harmless but can be given to flights of fancy, while she (HER) tends to remain grounded in reality but is tolerant of her partner’s whims.  At the start, both look impatient, like they’ve been waiting there for a long time.  Then he sees a cab and motions like he’s trying to hail it.  NOTE: Cabs are obviously off stage and SFX of a car driving by, and later stopping, will be needed.  Also SFX of background city noise would help setting the scene.)

 

HIM

Taxi!

(Watches it go by)

Damn...

 

HER

Let’s just take the train.  It’ll be quicker.

 

HIM

At this hour?  Do you know how packed it’ll be?

(Sees another one)

Taxi!

(Watches it go by)

What the hell...

 

                        HER

Fine.  Let’s catch the next bus that comes by.

 

                        HIM

No way.  The bus is even worse.

 

                        HER

You take the bus to work everyday.

 

                        HIM

Which means I’m speaking from experience.  It’ll take us close to an hour to get home by bus, and there’s no telling when the next one will come by here.

 

                        HER
          (Pulls out her phone)

I can pull up the bus schedule on my phone.

 

                        HIM

Don’t bother.  A taxi will get us home in twenty minutes

          (Sees one coming, tries to hail it but it passes by)

Son of a...

 

                        HER

Want me to try?  I might have better luck.

 

                        HIM

No, I’ve got this.  I know the intricacies of getting a cab.  I’m an experienced city dweller.

 

                        HER

Right, because I’m just some silly, naïve girl from the suburbs who knows nothing about living in the city, right?

 

                        HIM

That’s not what I meant...

 

                        HER
You know, if we had a car, we’d be home by now.

 

                        HIM

Please, don’t start in on that again.

 

HER

I had a perfectly good Toyota Corolla that I still can’t believe I let you talk me into selling.

(Droll impression of him)

“Oh, no, don’t worry, dear.  We don’t need a car in the city, really.”

 

HIM

Hey, what we made off of it got us into that loft apartment you wanted.

 

HER

I’d have been just as happy in one of the smaller apartments that we looked at.

 

HIM

(To himself)

Now she tells me.

 

(His eyes settle on something across the street.)

 

HER

Uh, excuse me?  I distinctly remember telling you that when we first started looking at apartments.

(Notices him staring)

What’re you looking at?

 

HIM

That couple over there.

 

HER

Where?

 

HIM

The couple in front of that fancy-pants French bistro.  The guy in the tux and the girl in that ball-gown-looking thing.

 

HER

Oh.  It’s a pretty dress.

 

                        HIM

Really?  I thought you hated all dresses.

 

                        HER
I don’t hate them, I just prefer more casual clothing.

 

                        HIM

Can’t think of the last time I saw you in a dress.

 

                        HER

Take me some place where I’d need to wear a dress, and you’ll get to see me all dolled up like I’m going to the prom.

 

                        HIM

You mean a place like that snob clubhouse across the street?

 

                        HER

No, but at least some place nicer than the dives that we usually haunt.

 

                        HIM

Yeah, well, when I start making more money...

 

                        HER
I won’t hold my breath, then.

 

                        HIM

I’d still love to see it, though, you in a ball gown or some other really nice dress, along with some make-up, bright red lipstick, and high heels.

 

                        HER
No high heels.  I wore high heels once and hated them.  Never again.  My feet hurt for a week afterward.  Speaking of which...

          (Undoes one of her shoes)

I’ve had a rock or a pebble or something stuck in my shoe for most of the night.

          (Takes her shoe off, turns it upside down, and lets

the pebble fall out into her hand)

Ah, there you are, you jerk.  I’m gonna have a blister tomorrow because of you.

          (Tosses it away)

Thanks for nothing.

 

(While she puts her shoe back on, he stares off across the street, and a devious smile slowly forms on his face.  After she gets her shoe back on---)

 

HIM

Let’s go beat them up.

 

HER

(Beat, disbelief)

What?

 

HIM

(Eager)

Let’s go beat them up.

 

                        HER

Who?

 

                        HIM

That couple across the street in front of the French bistro.

 

HER

Are you kidding me? 

 

                        HIM

Nope, dead serious.

 

                        HER

Why?

 

HIM

Why not?

 

HER

We don’t even know them!

 

HIM

Then we won’t feel guilty when we throw them a beating!

 

HER

Whoa, where is this coming from?  Why do you all of a sudden want to beat that poor couple up?

 

HIM

I don’t know, I just think it’s something we could totally pull off.  He looks about the same height and weight as me, and she’s almost a dead ringer for you, so pulling off the plan I have in mind shouldn’t be too hard.

 

HER

You already have a plan?

(He nods; she groans)

I know I’m going to regret this, but tell me your plan.

 

HIM

Okay: we sneak up behind them quietly, put our hands in our jacket pockets, and make like we’ve got guns.  Then we shove them into the small of their backs and we tell them to get moving and don’t make a sound.  We force them into the nearest alley and then subdue them with the Vulcan Neck Pinch.

 

HER

The Vulcan Neck Pinch?  Is that even real?

 

HIM

I’ve seen it used before.

 

HER

What if it doesn’t work on them?

 

HIM

I’m sure a few shots to that pretty boy’s face’ll be enough to

          (MORE)

 

                        HIM (cont’d)

put him down.  And you can use some of the moves you learned in that women’s self-defense karate class you took last summer on that wimpy lookin’ chick.

 

HER

(Sighs, folds arms)

Okay, so we’ve knocked them out.  Then what?

 

HIM

We strip off their clothes, I’ll lift his wallet and you snatch her purse.  We put everything on, pretend that we’re them, and then march right into that bistro and feast like royalty.

 

HER

What about when they wake up and call the cops on us?

 

HIM

If we tie them up, take their phones, and tape their mouths shut, it’ll be quite a while before anyone finds them.

 

HER

Honey, we have neither rope nor tape.

 

HIM

We can improvise.

 

                        HER
          (Shakes her head)

Oh boy, I really hope that a cop or some other passerby didn’t just overhear your little plan and take it seriously.  People have gotten years in jail for much less.

 

                        HIM

What are we doing wrong?  We’re just a couple standing here, on the street, talking.  We’re not actually doing anything.

 

                        HER

We could still be charged with making terroristic threats, if the right or wrong person overheard us.

 

                        HIM

Oh please!  Nothing will happen to us.  We’re abstractly discussing a possible course of action.

 

 

                        HER

We could still end up in jail for plotting out a criminal act.

 

                        HIM

No way.  No one’s gonna throw us in jail for pondering the idea of handing out a butt-whoopin’ to those goody-goodies over there.  Remember, dear, this is a democracy, not an aristocracy.  We’re allowed to hate on the elite and imagine beating the stuffing out of them without fear of any personal repercussions.

 

                        HER
And here we go again with the college cafeteria philosophical debating.

 

                        HIM

There’s no debate here, and I’m not just pondering either.  Look, if we’re gonna do this, we need to do it now.

 

HER

          (Looks across the street)

Now?  Are you sure?

(Points across the street)

Look, now, another couple’s joined the first couple.  Got any plans for taking out four people?

 

HIM

Easy.  Just get me an energy drink and I’ll break out some “Matrix”-style moves on them.

 

                        HER
Be serious.

 

                        HIM

I am.  It’ll take a bit more doing, but I think we could take all four of them down.

 

HER

(Looks across the street again)

And...all four are going inside the bistro now.  So much for your big plan.  Sorry.

 

HIM

(Resumes looking for a cab)

Eh.  Who wants to eat in there anyway?

 

 

HER

Seemed like you did for a minute there, considering the big plan you had for jumping that poor couple.

 

HIM

Hey, anyone who’ll pay over a hundred dollars just to sit at a table in some fancy-schmancy place like that deserves a good beat-down.  I don’t know how anyone can drop all that money just for some food.

 

HER

Well, some people actually enjoy going out and dining on fine cuisine, as opposed to gobbling down the latest chalupa or burrito variation that Taco Bell puts out.

 

HIM

Still, I can’t fathom willfully paying a dinner tab that would rival our monthly rent.

 

HER

That’s because we don’t have as much money to burn as they do.  To them, a night out there would be like a night out at Olive Garden or Applebee’s for us.

 

HIM

(Beat, crestfallen)

Sucks, doesn’t it?  You and I work our butts off at our jobs and once we’re done paying the bills, we barely have enough left over sometimes to even rent a movie.  And those trust fund babies over there probably never had to work a day in their lives.

 

HER

You don’t know that.  Maybe they do have jobs and work as hard at them as we do at ours, with the only difference being that they get paid more.

 

HIM

Maybe...I guess I just look at them and wonder why we’re not as well off as they are.  Why is it that we got dealt the lower-middle-class portion of the deck while they got all aces?

 

HER

That’s just the way it is.

 

 

HIM

That’s a brush-off answer.

 

HER

No it’s not.  It’s the truth.  There’s no rhyme or reason to why we’re in our position and they’re in theirs, so letting it get the better of us just isn’t worth it.  The only thing we can do, really, is make the best of what we’ve got right now.

 

HIM

We don’t have much, though.

 

HER

(Takes his arm)

Depends on how you look at it.

 

HIM

(Smiles)

I guess you’re right.  It’d still be nice to trade places with them, though, if only to have some more dough and not have to shop at thrift stores and---God help us---Wal-Mart.

 

HER

I know what you mean.

(Pulls him closer)

But I’m happy with how things are right now.  To be honest, I wouldn’t change a single thing.

 

HIM

Me too.

 

(They kiss.)

 

HER

Hey, how ‘bout, on the way home, we stop at Taco Bell and get take-out?  The drive-thru is open late, and I’ll treat you to that new chalupa they’ve been advertising.

 

HIM

I don’t know.  Do you think we can afford such an extravagance?

 

HER

(Kisses him again)

I’m sure we can.

 

 

                        HIM

          (Kisses her)
Mmm, so I’m gonna get to feast like royalty tonight after all.  Dare I ask what’s on the menu for dessert?

 

                        HER
Tums, if late-night Mexican food doesn’t agree with you, which it sometimes doesn’t.

 

                        HIM

Not the answer I was looking for.

 

                        HER

Let’s just take it one step at a time here, okay?

 

HIM

Okay.  First step: getting a cab.

          (Looks around, sees nothing)

This is ridiculous.

 

(He looks away.  That’s when she takes the initiative by stepping forward, looking around, spotting a taxi, and letting out a loud whistle.  SFX of a car stopping.  She smiles at him.  He looks both duly surprised and impressed.)

 

HER

Am I good or what?

 

(He laughs.  Fade.)

Author's Note

Please excuse the formatting. It's formatted correctly on the source document, but something must not have transferred over in translation.

Reviews

[Nicolerhi]

I like the way the dialogue is written; it flows so naturally and the witty conversation between the couple is amusing. The only problem I have with this play is that not much happens...at all. I got to the end and was like, "that's it?" If mimicking a casual, run-of-the-mill conversation was your intention, you did well. However, if you wanted to hook me, and keep me on the edge of my seat in anticipation for the rest of the play, I'm sorry but that wasn't the case for me. You have so much potential, and I hope you continue writing and I come across something of yours again. :)