A Vampire Poem

 

Vampire Poem

Lurking in the dead of night,

The darkened knight wanders.

They seek the blood of a virgin woman,

A beautiful girl whom may not yet be seventeen.

 

And when they find her,

She looks into his eyes.

Their gazes have met,

And her fate is now in his hands.

 

She becomes obsessed with him,

This guy whom she thinks she loves.

What she doesn’t know is about what he wants,

And that is just one thing.

 

By now, she glares at her true love,

Unmoving,

And eyes unblinking.

Her face is plain, as though she’s staring into another world.

 

He moves her hair back, smiling

As he pushes his shiny fangs out.

They are pointy and sharper than a needle.

 

He brings his fangs to her neck, and starts to push down,

Starts to bite,

To suck the life out of the fair maiden.

 

The young maiden gasps as he bites,

Though that is it.

After the startle,

No other movement is detected.

 

As he sucks in her blood,

As sweet to him as candy is to a child,

Venom comes out of his fangs,

Poisoning the girl.

 

She now lies in the coffin,

Beautiful and pale.

Now she is the same as her love,

A night-crawler true.

Reviews

[Legion]

You have an interesting idea here, but you have written it all in a journalistic type piece. There seems to be no passion in it. Reads like I am reading an article in the newspaper on the price of rice in China or something. No soul so to speak. Another thing I noticed, at the beginning you keep writing "they", but you are only referencing the knight himself. Change that up to "he", "him" or "his" depending on the usage. A bit more of a dramatic flair would definetly liven this up a bit. Don't discard it or anything for it really is a good idea, just needs a bit more work is all. If you redo it, let me know and I'll reread it for you.

[Sseoni]

Wow! That was great! I could just imagine what was happening in my head! Great work!

[Jade (insanity)]

I loved it! It had very good imagery. It was awesome!
-Nightmare

[winter]

I would have to agree that there are a few grammar errors but that can be fixed easily. I thought that it was easy to read and even though it was quick to read I very much enjoyed reading it. My favorite part was the very end when it said "Now she is the same as her love, a night-crawler true." I wasn't expecting that because you would think that naturally he would suck out all of her blood. All and all I liked it.