A Vampire Poem

 

Vampire Poem

Lurking in the dead of night,

The darkened knight wanders.

They seek the blood of a virgin woman,

A beautiful girl whom may not yet be seventeen.

 

And when they find her,

She looks into his eyes.

Their gazes have met,

And her fate is now in his hands.

 

She becomes obsessed with him,

This guy whom she thinks she loves.

What she doesn’t know is about what he wants,

And that is just one thing.

 

By now, she glares at her true love,

Unmoving,

And eyes unblinking.

Her face is plain, as though she’s staring into another world.

 

He moves her hair back, smiling

As he pushes his shiny fangs out.

They are pointy and sharper than a needle.

 

He brings his fangs to her neck, and starts to push down,

Starts to bite,

To suck the life out of the fair maiden.

 

The young maiden gasps as he bites,

Though that is it.

After the startle,

No other movement is detected.

 

As he sucks in her blood,

As sweet to him as candy is to a child,

Venom comes out of his fangs,

Poisoning the girl.

 

She now lies in the coffin,

Beautiful and pale.

Now she is the same as her love,

A night-crawler true.

Reviews

[Legion]

You have an interesting idea here, but you have written it all in a journalistic type piece. There seems to be no passion in it. Reads like I am reading an article in the newspaper on the price of rice in China or something. No soul so to speak. Another thing I noticed, at the beginning you keep writing "they", but you are only referencing the knight himself. Change that up to "he", "him" or "his" depending on the usage. A bit more of a dramatic flair would definetly liven this up a bit. Don't discard it or anything for it really is a good idea, just needs a bit more work is all. If you redo it, let me know and I'll reread it for you.

[Eric Cox]

A great vampire poem. And a very cool ending, I'm glad she didn't die.

[Tina Kline]

I like your poem. It reads like a story
and I'm glad the girl doesn't die but becomes
a vampire too!

Excellent piece of writing! I was hooked
to the end!

[Susan]

very interesting piece, reminding me of old stories of vampires.

[lost writer]

In one word outstanding really omg

[Bear]

Wow... what a way to transform. Good tale, fine write. I've always been intrigued by Vampire tales.
Sallie Bear

[Stammers]

I agree with the below, it needs more drama and beauty, but that is because it's a good idea. The bones are there, don't be afraid to describe and lengthen it, or make it a short story if that's what you feel it needs to be. There's definitely potential, I did like it, but a bit more work would just push it up that level.

I loved the description of 'darkened knight' btw.
One question, something that intrigued me: Why a virgin's blood?

[XxVampyrCandyXx]

The end was indeed my favorite of the peice. The only thing that got me was that it could use a little bit more dramatic references but the idea of the peice was wonderful. I did enjoy it.

[Glee]

I liked the flow of this poem. It has a dark tone to it. You seem to have related two ideas here. The idea of a man using his young lover to a Vampire sucking its victim's blood. I take this from the last stanza which says:

Now she is the same as her love,
A night-crawler true.

And another one which says

She becomes obsessed with him,
This guy whom she thinks she loves.

Interesting to note that this vampire was such a charmer, to have gotten her to fall in love with him first. But this is not clearly expressed in the poem - why she fell for him.

Or perhaps she likes the idea of being with scary, creepy, blood sucking night-stalker. May be this little girl actually finds it hot.

[Hannah Monttkomepy]

I like it. You worded this very nicely so the reader actually feels as if they r witnessing it. It could be more dramatic I think. But it rele doesn't have to be. It is beautiful as is.

[Randal Bright]

This is a wonderful poem :) I love the imagery you have going on here and the walt-whitman/eliot style going on with no real rhyme pattern. I love it