Yet Another Poem For Shawn

 

Yet Another Poem For Shawn

I love you,

And I don’t think I can love another.

But what is love?

A name that bonds two people together.

Two people who think they can’t live without one another.

Then they end up fussing,

Yelling at each other and cussing.

Is that how we want to be?

I don’t think ‘love’ even exists with us anymore.

Did it ever?

 

Who loved the other first?

You or I?

Who loved next?

Why is it that my heart still beats for you,

Even though you don’t love me anymore?

Why am I crying for you,

When you only cried when you were going to lose something?

Why can’t I forget it,

The times that you made me smile,

Laugh,

When only one other person could do it?

 

You are the first one I loved.

The only one I will ever.

I never even loved my own blood,

Family as much.

 

I realized I loved you at first sight,

And that’s when I should have stopped.

But no.

I had to have you.

Or,

So said my heart.

I did everything I could.

I wasn’t going to give up.

Then I finally won your own heart.

But what did I do with it?

Stab it?

Played with it?

Did I kill it,

And not even know?

 

Then I let you go,

Thinking everything would be okay.

Maybe if I did,

You’d find someone else,

Forget me.

 

You made me promise it wouldn’t be forever,

And I said it wouldn’t.

How would I know it hurt?

 

Then I let Kortni know.

She loved you too,

Maybe more than I,

If that was possible.

 

I wanted you to know why,

So I told you.

I told you what I saw,

What’s to come.

You wanted me back,

And I wanted you,

But breaking your heart more is one thing I can’t do.

 

After I told you what I saw,

And you saw it too.

Then we got on the topic of death all together.

You are going to lose your life soon,

And I don’t want you to.

So, after thinking,

I decided to do what the others did.

 

I wrote your name,

Big and nice.

Then on my wrists I made cuts.

Chanting a chant,

I spread my blood over your name.

Do you know how much blood that was?

 

When my deed was done I took many pills.

All that was left in the container.

Thirty-five to be exact.

Five by five I took them,

Then went on the phone with you.

 

You asked me why I was whispering,

Why I was so weak.

The mere hug of my brother was painful.

 

I told you nothing,

And that was a lie.

But I didn’t want you to cry.

You guessed if I had taken pills,

Though I denied it.

Why?

I wanted to protect you.

 

I didn’t want to hurt you,

Not with my final moments.

All I wanted was for you to laugh.

To smile once more for me.

 

As you can see,

I hadn’t done it right.

The love my heart carries wanted me to live.

To live for you.

 

The sad thing right now is that I don’t think that was right.

Living, I mean.

I tried to apologize,

Broke the ‘rules’ for you.

Was there a point?

I asked you to take me back,

Yet you will not.

 

I understand.

Do you think I don’t?

I have been rude to you.

A b***h,

I must say.

There has been no reason to act like that.

No.

No reason at all.

 

I hurt you,

Without even meaning to.

I’m not better to you then Cory.

That’s what you point.

 

Weird…

I still love you.

Were we ment to be?

Were we ment to sing in sweet harmony?

If I take you back,

Will you take me?

 

 

I want you,

And nothing else.

Just so much stress…

I’ve been a mope.

But I think I can be better now.

Now that I’ve done something I’m proud of.

 

I want to you know that I do still love you.

I want to be me again for you.

I want to be the me you remember,

Instead of this monster.

But first I must know,

Can we ever get back together?

Or should I give up now?

 

I want to be the life,

Your life,

Your only wife.

How long have I wanted that?

I kept singing the same song.

 

Can we be?

Or is it just a memory?

I want you to tell me.

 

 If not,

I’ll go out of your life for eternity.

I’ll let you live you life.

But if so,

Let me know,

And I’ll attempt to be better.

 

I was a fool,

And now I know how far I’m willing to go.

Just let me know.

 

I love you.

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

Please answer me, kay? please...i love you...

Reviews

[Alucard]

I never believed there was such a thing as love at first sight or that if such a thing existed how could the feelings last. I found after many years of walking this earth I was very wrong. It does exist! It is possible to fall for someone instantly because of how their personality fits with yours. You find it is like a missing piece to a puzzle made to fit a certain way and you just love them deeply for who they are. But it does not always get returned in the way you would like. It can hurt deeply if you do not understand that real love expects nothing in return, it took me a long time to figure this out. Real love cares and gives unconditionally regardless of what we get back if anything at all. The feeling will never go away if it is real they will always be with you. But you can keep the hurt at bay. Real love not only expects nothing in return but also forgives and continues to give of itself regardless. Keep loving that person in your heart but if it is not returned to you, cherish the feelings you have for them, love the memory of the experience and keep right on loving them in your heart and try to be satisfied you were able to give of yourself to another in some way. Even if you can't be with them. Who knows perhaps in time you will be on the receiving end of their affection. Its never easy, and you will constantly question why, why me why now, why not., I would worry if you did not have these feelings and keep writing them down so you can get them out, so you can see them in front of you and be able to deal with them in a rational and safe way. You are a good writer and I know you have many friends on here so when you can't deal call on them and they will get you through. This was very moving and it is good to see you verbalize these things instead of holding them back. Best regards � Alucard

[Constance L. Hartwell]

wow, I could definately feel the emotion in your words. I hope everything works out for you.

[Shellie]

I like this piece because its so honest, and deeply moving. Its also the depth of this love that if tis person doesnt want you back then you feel you cant go on, I think thats realistic and does get better with time but it shows that what you feel is what you feel and you are feeling these thoughts and emotions and despairing over the hurt it creates. Also the style with which its written -it holds the desperate but determined yet dfeated tone.Great Job, its reeeeally good and i hope you get your answer.