Vamp Wars: Chapter 3

 

                           Chapter 3

               School wasn’t all-bad. I saw my fifteen-year-old skinny eighty-pound Goth friend named Briana. Finally I was free from jail……………..I mean school and I could go home.

 

 

                The bus was so loud with buzz and news that I couldn’t even think about my Portable. I found out that some girls were in a fight, kids actually got suspended on the first day of school.

 

                When I got to the bus stop, Brandy’s mom drove me home. She usually offers and Mama said to always accept offers made from someone I know well. I thanked Mrs. Shaw and opened the door. I looked down at the carpet and saw something that made me burst into tears. There lay Mama, stabbed to death fifteen times in the chest.

             I saw something clutched in Mama’s left hand. I opened the note. It was as said:

 

                   ‘We are the Gang of Four, and you are knocking at Hell’s door. You see your poor Mother now, little girl of Xaiou? We will get you, haunt you, kill you, for we are the Gang of Four and you are knocking on Death’s door.’

                        Another note was in Mama’s right hand. This one was from her. It was in her neat handwriting.

 

      ‘ My Anastasia,

                     When you see this letter, run. The Gang of Four are looking for you. Don’t stay here, they’ll know you did and will be back. Don’t bother calling the police; you’ll just make it worse for yourself. Go to the safest place. I have a hunch on where that is. Don’t trust anyone. Remember, I love you, even in death. I told you I would protect you.

                    ~Xaiou’

               By this I was way past bursting to tears. Mama had died to save me. I knew exactly where I was going to be safe. The place I spent most of my time. The cemetery.

Reviews

[Nik Dendera]

I like it. Maybe you should go into a bit more detail on finding her mother's body? I feel like you just skimmed over it.

But other than that, you're sticking to your own style. It's good and it works. I agree with the comment below on merging the chapters-then you'll have a great cliffhanger that leaves the reader wanting more! Always end a chapter with a bit of mystery!

But well done!

[Bane of Fortune]

oooo cool story, this chapter should be combined with chapters 1 and 2 to make one chapter.. and the end, might not want to say cemetary... keep reader guessing... then you can open with "The cemetary stood like a... whatever" ... put your own words in...

Also, how would she know about mama stabbed '15" times .. so quickly.. maybe she just saw moma dead .. blood all over and around her.. a red halo .. yada yada yada .. whatever..

I really like the style .. very high schooly style ... very appropriate ... i'm starting a novel about high school, dark and full of images... i have to research the various cliques .... been a while since high school and I know there are new cliques .. and i have to find out what they are...

This is a great beginning to a story... I"m very impressed!
Will read more soon.. :)

Bane