Paradox

A poem that ends with an insane and crazy hope that will probably never be fulfilled.

Bright lights,
Sharp sounds,
Overwhelming -
A world of confusion.
Swarming crowds
Mouths move silently:
Floating words
Dancing from my reach.
Chaos and disorder
No routine,
No order.
A world without sense,
No head nor tail.
No direction.

Encased in liquid diamond.
Trapped,
Lost,
Outcast,
Stranger.
Who am I?
What am I?
Taciturn,
Mute,
Fragile.
Words tangled,
Mind scrambled,
No beginning or end.
Skin contact 
Burns like wildfire.
Eye contact
Disconcerting.
Emotionless,
Without facial expression.
Ravaging emotions inside
With no left or right;
No stigma, no control. 
I am not a psychopath
Nor a sociopath.
But an enigma,
A paradox
Yet to be understood.

A lost jigsaw piece,
From a world of order,
A world of routine
And understanding.
Flung into a world
Of chaos and disorder.
An insane world
Of alienation,
Rejection
And pain.
Laughter and cruel taunts,
As sharp as knives:
"You're in your own world;
You don't belong here.
Go back to where you came from,
And stay there!"

My world:
No chaos, no disorder.
Routine and repetition.
A world without hurt
And pain.
It's my place to escape to,
My world
And my world only.
A jigsaw puzzle
That no one else can solve.
My shield and shell.
But my descending spiral
Into loneliness,
Sadness
And taciturnity.
A constant tug of war
Between my world and reality.
A will to break free
Of my misunderstood mind,
And to be like them:
The "normal" people.
To be able to speak
Of my own free will,
To not be trapped
By periods of muteness.
To be free of routine
And repetition.
Fear pulls me back
Hurls me back to my world:
A world of safety,
Warmth,
And sense.
Away from the bright lights,
Away from the sharp sounds.
Engulfed by soothing darkness,
Immersed in the comforting silence.
No more crowds.
Just me and myself,
No other company.

I am irregular:
Chaos walking,
A living bomb.
You are regular:
A jigsaw piece,
A part of this world,
A world of madness
And confusion.
Teach me,
The cogs and wheels
Of this world.
Teach me to be like you -
To speak,
Catch those dancing words
And to read
Those face expressions:
The meaning of a smirk,
The definition of a frown,
The significance of a wince.
Intellect, emotions and empathy.
To operate without routine.
No repetition.
And I'll teach you,
How my world works,
How the pieces
Fit and bind together.
The clockwork,
And the never ending echoes.
And at last
A spark of hope,
A beginning.
The mark of a new era,
An era of understanding,
And conveying.
No more questions,
No more confusion.
We can finally fit together,
And at last,
I am a part of your jigsaw puzzle.

Normality
Is all I want.
Functioning in normality,
To function
In this insane world.
A world of madness and confusion.