Stolen Voice

Based on communication difficulties.

“Hello!”

 

Damn it...

 

I bow my head to keep my gaze to the floor (I hate eye contact, I hate eye contact, I hate eye contact) and allow my hair to fall into my eyes. Your expectant gaze sears into my flesh, sending an icy wave over my body, triggering a paralysing sensation that pulses through my veins and slowly coats my limbs.

 

Speak, Taci, speak!

 

You wait for my response, watchful and silent. I clench my fists, my nails sending sharp pains through my hands and up my arms as they bite into the soft flesh of my palms. I begin to shake and my eyes widen with fear. I force my voice box to work, trying to force the messages from my brain that tell me to speak through the invisible barrier. The barrier that has cursed me for years, robbing me of my ability to socialise. (Why does this always happen to me?)

 

“H-h-hi…” is all I can manage in a stammering whisper. A sweat has broken out on my hands. They've become clammy with the tension. I know what will happen next: you’ll try and get me to speak as the other teachers always do but it’ll never work. I’ll always falter in my words, letting the barrier get the better of me once again (none of you understand. None of you ever will) and temporarily destroying my ability to speak.

 

You frown. (Didn't you hear me?)

 

“Hello!” this time, your voice is slightly louder and I notice that the tone has changed, although I can’t quite place it. You widen your smile but I can see that it’s false, a pretence. You’re only trying to make yourself seem friendlier but it never works. (I can see through your façade.)

 

Why are you doing this?

 

I grit my teeth and harden my fists, working up the courage to speak again.(C’mon, Taci. You’ve got to do this.)It’s harder attempting to speak after the first time. The paralysing sensation has started its work on my voice box. I make what must sound like quiet choking noises as I force my voice box to do its duty.

 

“H-hello,” Now it’s a half-strangled whisper, but the wind seems to take my words with it, its howling louder than my meek voice. I try to smile (can’t you see it?) to match your smile, pulling up the corners of my mouth as much as I can. I know it’s small, a ghost of a smile, but it’s all I can manage.

 

I feel my heart sink as your smile slowly drops. Then I realise: you hadn’t heard me speak again. You try once more. This time, you bend down to my height, placing your hands on your thighs and trying to make eye contact with me. I look away, hearing the blood rush in my ears as we stand outside the inner school gates, surrounded by the harsh coldness of the bleak and grey winter morning.

 

“Hello,” now you sound blunter. I can hear the annoyance laced in your voice, entwined with stitches of anger to complete the embroidery. The smile has dropped from your face completely. (Please, leave me alone…)

 

“Hi.” I speak without a stammer, managing to raise my voice slightly along with the faintest hope that you’ll perhaps hear me. My voice box feels torn and battered by forced tackles to work. I hang my head, ashamed by my pathetic tries to speak.

But it’s not enough. It never has been and never will be no matter how much effort I put in. My attempts to speak up, to overcome the barrier will always be fruitless and unsuccessful.

 

You stand up straight with an expression upon your face that I’ll never be able to decipher. I bemusedly observe as you walk away, shaking your head and heading towards the nearby caretaker.

 

“When students refuse to talk to you, I find it to be rather rude actually.”

 

Your words are like a stinging slap to the face. Warmth spreads through my cheeks,(you have no idea…)the warmth of humiliation. I stand rooted to the spot (you’ll never understand) staring at you, not knowing what to do.

 

Then the spell is shattered and I'm broken free from the paralysation.

 

I turn away, my cheeks burning and head in past the inner gates. It is only when I'm safely deep inside the school, in one of the laboratories where I can begin my early morning studying and no one else can find me, I let my emotions get the better of me.

 

One day I’ll make you understand.

 

A single tear slides down one of my cheeks.