Ode to the Modern Work-Man

My commentary of the Rat Race.

 

O, wretched modern work-man

The years, they pass you by

Everything you believe

Is nothing but a lie.

 

O, wretched modern work-man

From your neckties to your socks

You’re nothing but a slave

To pictures in a box.

 

O, wretched modern work-man

You live for the Public Eye

Your life is but a parody

Whose foundation is a lie.

 

O, wretched modern work-man

You strive, and save, and yearn

To keep up with the Kamaus

Spending more than you earn.

 

O, wretched modern work-man

You’re nothing but a slave

Your dreams are dead and buried

Lying in a shallow grave.

 

O, wretched modern work-man

You strangled your own dreams

You smothered your own happiness

Your hand stifled its screams.

 

O, wretched modern work-man

For the camera so aesthetic

Beneath the plastic smile

You’re pitiful and pathetic.

 

O, wretched modern work-man

You work yourself half to death

Chasing pounds and shillings

To swell another’s wealth.

 

O, wretched modern work-man

You lived your whole life as a show

Yet the only Watcher who mattered

Didn’t like what He saw.

 

O, wretched modern work-man

When you finally died

Your surname, and hospital bill

Were all you left behind…

Reviews

[J.M]

Wow - this is really impressive - slaves to money in a worlds that's dead to feeling. I particularly lovedYour dreams are dead and buried
Lying in a shallow grave.' - extremely vivid imagery that just made the poem come alive and continuing to the end when, after all his strife, there was nothing left except money. Tragic when that happens.

[Short.Nerd]

Great!

[SINDE]

Yet the only Watcher who mattered
Didn't like what he saw.You killed it right there.
This piece is amazing though it lacks a portion of you in it.

[Brook]

This time I suppose I'll start with the (few) things I want to criticize.

I felt perhaps you should have used the phrase "O, wretched modern work-man" less often. One reason for this is that, while in some cases, it may accentuate the work, it seems to draw attention away from the rest of your striking stanzas. Repeating it once per four (or dividing it equally but using it few times) I feel would have been a wiser option and allow the reader to focus more on the meaning than the repetition.

The other thing I wanted to point out was the font; on the computer I'm reading from, it was a bit hard to decipher things at a few spots (particularly "Kamaus," which I had to copy and paste so I could read it properly). Though the cursive makes it feel more legitimate, I would suggest something that interfered a bit less while still bringing that feel.

The words themselves within the poem were used beautifully. You constructed pictures well, describing the course of the man's life (and the chilling conclusion) with a nice lack of adverbs that kept things short and to the point. I liked your religious-type ending ("Yet the only Watcher who mattered/Didn't like what He saw") because, while not going overboard, it hinted towards the supernatural in a way that most people would accept, even if they themselves weren't religious. That was a nice touch.

My favorite part was the ending -- not because I was glad to finish reading it. It was because it spelled out the conclusion of the man's (or, if you want to think about it, mens') life in the pitiful ending that it was. It was philosophical in that it told of the fact that if you live your life only to please others and yourself, and only to spend more than you make rather than wisely putting it away, nobody will remember you. It's the wiser ones that are remembered well, and the fools who are remembered with disdain.

Overall, great work.

[Ashley]

This is really good! I really like it. It has meaning in it.

[laughinglullaby]

This is a really good write i really liked it . keep upo the good work.

[M.Babu]

Being Alvin, i think i understand what you were trying to put across and thoroughly enjoyed. But i didn't feel that famous Alvin flair this round...good but i think you can do much better that this

[HoorayForUnderdog]

Well that about sums it up, doesn't it! Being a slave to materialistic things can never bring happiness. It is a waste of life. Nicely said.

[Jacey Lane-DeVille]

A fine tribute although this time the repetitiveness was not that appealing to me. But all in all a good piece

[Peter Joseph Swanson]

A great poem!