worst time of my life

I don’t know why I feel this way. I never asked for pain, tears, or suffering. I was normal at one point in life. I was full of smiles, laughter, and happiness. I wish I knew the cause of this change in my life, find a way to make it all stop. It all began when I was 11 years of age,and got understanding of life,I was hoping dat someday everything will b fine,I have waited for 8 years after dat,,only thing I have seen dat my pain is increased day by day,all my owns r leaving me alone forever,from childhood I was searching for a mother's loving lap,fathers strong hand which I can hold while I am scared but never got dat,I learned to walk by myself,,everything I which learned,I learned by myself,I was 18 years of age when my mom died. It was a gnawing, a tug, a dark thing pulling me under. I screamed in silence, and tried to deal with it all on my own. Countless tears had fallen, and many sleepless nights had passed. I became addictive ,,started to smoke marijuana,consuming drugs to forgot everything so that I couldn't feel the pain,,my family get to know about it,nd they got disappointed,but I was helpless.A lonely day at home lead me to explore. Just walking around, looking, and thinking. I was thinking about life, and about hurting. It was then when I found the box cutter. A small rectangle, with a deadly sharp edge, an edge that I thought would make my life better. I hid in my room, lost, and alone. I could hear distant laughter from my family downstairs, a family I have disappointed, and hurt. It was the thoughts of not being good enough for them that reminded me of the box cutter I had found. I sat in the corner of my room and wondered if this little blade could solve my problems. I stretched out my arm in front of me, and put the edge to my wrist. I was scared, but something was giving me that nudge, that thought that if I cut myself, all the pain would go away. As the crimson poured out, it was as if the dark thing inside me was satisfied, the pain was numbing. Over time, it had gotten worse. When I started my college, I was on the verge of killing myself, thinking of ways to do it, ways to make it easy, and how to cause the least pain to my friends and family. The little demon inside me had awakened. I sat there with a friend and carved into my arms with a piercing needle. I had never seen so much blood, but couldn’t feel better. It was then when my professors had noticed, and called my dad. he brought me to the closest ER. I underwent psychiatric examinations; I was being tested for every mental illness from A-Z. I had gotten defensive and angry. Refused being looked at, examined, and refused to take pills, or undergo counseling. It makes me wonder, a year later if it’s going to happen again. It gets harder to deal with my emotions, and being a hormonal teenager doesn’t help. I’ve turned to drugs, alcohol again to make myself forget. Forget the hurt, the pain, the suffering that I’m going through and that I have caused. I think the thing that I regret most, is how much I’ve hurt my mom. I’ve been nothing but addicted and have walked over everything, and if I keep it up, I know I will b finished. I just wish I knew what to do, what path to turn to. I need to find something to numb the pain permanently, a way to make the demon go away forever. I’m afraid of what will happen, if I don’t get help soon..but at last I started to fighting against my addiction,I was in college I was famous for drugs addiction,,somehow I was trying to get rid of this,nd complete my engineering,every day every time I was fighting for survival,lots of burden was in my head,,I have to manage my college fees,my fodding lodging charges by myself along with other expense,,nd have to get rid of drugs,,I fought my battle alone I left drugs,,gotten rid of my addiction,,nd somehow completed my engineering..I forgot about all the things,,I was in a rehab for few months to quit drugs,,nd I did it,,,then I came to new Delhi for new start...I was afraid of hurts,,coz I don't to be addicted once again coz m scared of that  dark side of my life,,so I was avoiding love relationship coz I heard there is lots of pain if u got hurt in love and all..I started to work in a bpo in noida,,got some friends was spending time with them in work,,I never know how it feels to beloved by someone to feel special for someone ,,I was close with her,,she was my colleague,,we started to spend more time with each other,the time when she started to stay with me in my flat we get closer than before,,I have fallen in love with her madly,,day by day my feelings was growing up,after few months when I asked her will u b with me forever coz I don't have anyone,only u r,,u r my breath,,u r my everything,,then she told me dat"look I love u so much I dunno how I will live without but,I have coz my marriage has been fixed with someone else few years ago,I can't go against my family for u,u have to live without me"........ I just laughed,,nd said in my mind dat my child there is no such thing in ur Destiny which called love or happiness..everyone will left u alone...don't know y this happens to me everything with me..what the f**k is my fault..y I have to be in pain y I have to suffer all the time y I will sacrifice,,y one can't b with me,,I just wanted a shoulder to cry,,I just wanted I hand which will hold me in the bad times of my life,,nothing else yr,,why what is my Sin,,I was asking these questions to her,,she replied "sorry I can't help u"..then I asked her what u want my life or death for me,,if want to go then ok but I will die,,so tell me what u want..she answered I can sacrifice ur life but can't stay with u...u can die..after tellin it she walked away...I cut my wrist with blade on that evening,,lots of thing happened..but somehow my friend saved me,,she dint even came to see me after dat never called me never answered my calls,,once again I fucked up,,once again m suffering in unbearable pain,,once again m alone once again m in that dark room,,once again m shrinking myself in the darkness of addiction,,donno wat will happen nd how long I will survive like this...donno........