Female Monologue: Kid Currency

Female Lead Monologue, lasts about 3 minutes. The lead is a mom who is already tired of the new law, that parents have to pay their kids to listen.

Title: Kid Currency 3 minutes

Main Character & Jodie

[Main Character: A Mom who sounds drained. I imagine her with a heavy Minnesotan Accent. She is very animated when she talks.]

*Sound drained as MC slumps in a chair, hand in a phone position on face /or use of an actual phone/*

"Hey, Jodie. I’m sorry, friend-o. I don’t think I’ll be able to go to that movie tonight. 

I know, I know. We planned ahead, I saved up. 

But this new law that passed that you have to pay your kids to listen to you is killing me. 

My son, Ron,....oh, he’s doing fine, but he won’t get on the bus without a paycheck in his hand. I know I know! When I was younger, you just went! You didn’t ask questions! You wanted to be at school to see your friends and get Italian Dunkers! You didn’t want to be at home with your parents who would use you as a manual labor worker till yo’ arms fell off! 

“Oh! You want to stay home? You don’t want to get an education!?” My mother would go on, “Well then you can do those dishes you left in the sink overnight!... Oh good! I can rest for a day! Here’s my list of chores that I do here while you usually sit at a desk all relaxed and fill your brain with worldly knowledge. Scrub the toilet! Pull the weeds! Take care of YOUR pets!” And she’d go on and on! Now I’m PAYING HIM to get on the bus. Oh dear me, oh dear me. 

Little Lori, my sweet baby angel is now looking at me with dollar sign eyes! She’s totally on board with this whole shabacle! Why would they let a 7 year old vote? Of course she’ll pick the choice where every time she goes into a Target she can get whatever she wants or she’ll run out into the parking lot flailing her arms causing a scene! 

One day, Jodie, One day! I don’t know if I’ll say yes to another stupid big-headed doll! I may just have to watch her run off and hope that the kid driving isn’t on their phone! Then not only will I go to jail for not buying her a gift, but then murder for that poor driver who folded my daughter cause I was a negligent mother. 

What is this world coming to? Dry Wallet, Misbehaving Kids. *Shakes head* Ya know…if they pass that law where you can marry goats, I may be out of a relationship as well! And what does a goat have that I don’t???

Well, yes, Jodie, horns, and ..yes…okay, hooves, …Jodie, you're not helping my case here…"

-Scene- 

Author's Note

I know the writing is most likely not in actual monologue format. I loved performing this one! It got more laughs than I expected and I had a lot of fun with the accent. Let me know what you think! I encourage people to perform it! I'd love to see it if you post it on Youtube! Or feel free to use it as inspiration for your own writings. Thanks for reading!