Chapter 1

Wrought iron gates towered over me, making my stomach twitch uncomfortably. A small slightly glowing hand placed itself on my shoulder and a ray of warmth ran through me. Mother was good at that, and it would drive me mad if it wasn’t for the feeling of calm and serenity she was also projecting deep into my soul. Or the space where my soul should be. I wasn’t entirely sure I had one. That’s the problem with being Satan’s daughter, you don’t know if all the rules apply to you or not. It would be nice to have a manual or something but then again where would be the fun in that?
I felt a small unnerving twinge in my stomach and my eyes snapped to my Mothers. She blinked away tears and her perfect little face smiled lovingly at me.
“You okay?” I asked, knowing exactly what was wrong.
“Just worried about you, honey. Are you sure you’re going to be okay?” Her face still had that slight golden glow she always had but something was off about it. She really was worried about me.
“Cheer up, I’m the Daughter of the Dark Lord Lucifer. What could possibly hurt me?” I joked, hoping it would brighten her aura, but instead I was positive I saw the air around her golden blonde hair flash red only for a second, but then it was gone and she smiled.
“Just like your Father. Honestly what am I going to do with you two?” She laughed, a small musical sound that could rival birdsong floated from her and I couldn’t help but laugh too.
We spent the next ten minutes talking about shoes while we unpacked my stuff from the back of the car. We didn’t mention my Father again. It hurt both of us too much that he wasn’t here to say goodbye to me. I loved my Father and despite all the horrible stories about him (that were mostly true) he was a fantastic Father and I missed him. I wanted nothing more than for him to be helping me unload my bags and for him to hug me tight and tell me that everything was going to be okay and to remember that if anyone messed with me I was to call him no matter what.
The sound of footsteps took me away from my daydreams and I looked round the car to see a woman and two men walking through the giant foreboding gates. The woman was tall and pale with long black hair and a long curved nose, that held her thick red glasses up well. She was slim and wore a very ironed looking pencil skirt and white shirt. The two men were huge and marched on either side of the woman, clearly bodyguards of some sort, with a large halberd in their hands. They didn’t wear armour and something told me they didn’t need it. No one got to touch them without permission.
As the woman reached us my Mother stood up to her full height and smiled, outstretching her hand as her aura glowed white. The woman took my Mothers hand and shook it, smiling pleasantly as she did. Then she turned and looked to me and I noticed her eyes were a strange orangey colour, with large specks of brown running through them.  
“Welcome to the Bonelith Private Academy. I am Professor Marcy and I am here to welcome you to your new home,” She smiled brightly at me to reveal brilliantly white teeth, and two very sharp looking fangs.
“Thank you Professor Marcy, I’m Mara Star,” I extended my hand out and shook her hand firmly, making sure to keep eye contact the whole time. There was something off about her. Maybe it was the whole vampire thing or the two mountain sized, armed warriors beside her, but something had me feeling uneasy.
“I’m Melody, Mara’s mother,” My Mother jumped in, grabbing one of my bags as the Professor motioned for the two behemoths behind her to grab my bags.
“Ah yes, I spoke with her Father on the phone.” She looked around for a second then frowned. “Is he not here?” My Mother looked at me for a second then smiled apologetically.
“No, he has other business to attend to today, but I’m sure he will be visiting soon.”
There was noticeable disappointment in her eyes when mother told her he wasn’t coming, but they lit up again at the mention of a visit. Clearly someone was a fan.
“Okay then, lets get you settled in, Mrs. Star do you want to come too?” Marcy asked sweetly, her eyes filled with a warm welcome.
My Mother shook her head, “Oh no I have stuff to do, plus I’m sure Mara is dying to get rid of me anyway.”
“Just a little bit,” I laughed, as she hugged me and turned to get into the care.
“Goodbye Professor. I love you, Mara, ” She beamed as she opened the car door and that horrid smell of car air freshener attack my sensitive nose like a brick to the face.
“If you love me close the damn door!” I snapped through a tightly held nose. She laughed and slammed the door shut behind her.
I waved quickly as she drove off down the street, then turned and faced my new home. Hopefully I wouldn’t burn this one down by sneezing this time.

Reviews

[Argonaut1]

This story has an awesome premise so far. I really enjoyed what you have. It's not too often that the Prince of Darkness is painted in a positive light such as being a good father. The family aspect of this drew me to it, I think. Mara and her mother are ragging on each other, which is what mothers and daughters do. So this dialogue feels natural. The part where Mara's father was noted for being a good father, despite the horrible stories about him and them being true. That was genuinely funny...I chuckled. The description works pretty well here. I like the description of the vampire woman, for example and I definitely knew she was a vampire before you revealed she was. Tall, pale, long dark hair, curved nose, orangey eyes, etc. The fact that there was something "off" about her was great; I'm looking forward to when we discover more about why she's so weird.

I'm also hoping you'll spend some time describing Mara's appearance, just by dropping some hints in the dialogue. This is just an example, you don't have to use it, but you could have a bully or Mara's nemesis in school come up to her and give her some wise-a*s remark about her hair, eyes, face, skin color (if she's red or blue, or anything other than human flesh tone.)

Another thing I'm excited to see is how you create the world of the school. Is it archaic looking? does it look like a castle? Does it look deceivingly suburban for the student body that occupy it? Is there magic? Evil or dark power? What classes do they take or are they just regular courses? What are the teachers like? What are the students like? It's an academy, so I'm assuming there are uniforms. Are their cliques? Are all of the people Mara runs into going to ask her how her dad is doing or call her out in the hall or in the middle of class and say, "hey it's Lucifer's daughter!"? (I hope you are not put off by this, yet. I get really, really excited in my reviews.)

I do realize this is just the first chapter, but I hope the having a soul or not having a soul dilemma is explained a little bit more. I can tell it's going to be a pivotal part of the story. A question to ask yourself if you haven't already: Is being a child of Lucifer, possibly not having a soul, something that the inhabitants of this world would discriminate against?

Something to think about. Try starting your story with an opening piece of dialogue or some type of hook. This will instantly grab your reader and pull them into the world you've established.

I really like the last sentence. It was hilarious plus it says a lot in one sentence. She clearly didn't leave on good terms from her last school and it reveals an deep inner fear of going to this new one and how her powers might get in her way.

Keep all of these things in mind and continue to expand your universe. Take care!

[Fire Mage Andrea]

It's really good - I had a feeling there was Reiki involved at the beginning but I could be wrong.
The chapter moves effortlessly along in my opinion