I really like this. I liked the rhyme scheme. My only advice, and it's not a big thing, but if you broke your sentences down, where each one was app the same length. Example..
don't stop playing these games, hurting with all this pain,
then something's just gonna give, if not we'll both go insane;
don't stop playing these games
hurting with all this pain
then something's just gonna give
if not we'll both go insane
Those are just personal preferences, but I think it looks cleaner. Great piece.
I can relate to this so well, and in reading I can also tell you suffer from so much stress and depression alike me, if I read between the lines properly and understood, you are much alike me, a person who gives to the ultimate max and never feels any worth for it or gets any recognition love wise, therefore creating a very Grey world, at least that's how I feel, but somehow what I get from reading your pain, love always Josie xoxo
Intensely emotional write. Yes, there are some lines that don't flow as smooth as others, but it is probably better kept untouched. In my own experience when I chop and dice a poem just to make it fit within a mold, it ends up loosing the message or heart/emotions. Now, I have learned to copy it before I make any changes. Sometimes the original poem is just plain better.
What I like about this piece, is that it reads like a letter.
It is a bit lengthy in some of the stanzas, which makes the flow strain in some areas. So in this I agree with Hannah.
The imagery, however, is fantastic.
I really like this piece. Just keep in mind, when you find the one that enriches your life, you will appreciate her so much more for having endured the wrong one first. Sometimes just getting your exact thoughts out of your system help to see the whole world in a different light. Sharing things this close to your heart isn't easy, that I know for sure. Keep on writing!! I'll keep on reading it.
Relationships are like life, they come, they stay, they disappear sometimes leaving deep, deep scars.
Your poem is very intense, emotional.. yet you've put together a post that's incredibly moving, almost leaving a moral with one brief word BEWARE
I truly loathed you for oh so very long, yet for the kid's sake I keep quiet and tried to hold on!
Our years together felt like a prison sentence that would never end,
A thousand years of hell that help could never mend.
We can't keep living tit for tat, hoping to survive on a premise false as that.
The words above are like a Greek tragedy, they ring in the ears and mind even after getting to the end of the poem. Guess they're like scars in themselves.
It's a very sad piece, one that will linger in my mind.. that's what writing is all about.
This was really nice man!..I have been in a few relationships,but none that felt like this!..I was gone before it made it to that point.:-)..glad to see you moved on and can write about it:-)..TC! TJ and thanks for sharing..LATERS!!
Great way of getting your frustrations out! this is a very emotional, powerful piece. I think a lot of people can relate to this as well, great job in expressing yourself!
laceyjane
Have you been reading my journal?? LOL. I can totally relate to this poem. Like Hannah, I love the way it reads out loud. The structure of the poem could use a little work but all in all I enjoyed it and it is going into my library. : )
Wonderfully penned ... I've been there myself ... You've expressed the emotions of a broken relationship so vividly ... All the best to you ... aloha - Sunny
Born T. Pina on Feb. 13, 1960 in the South Bronx, New York City.
Writing is truly the passion of my soul.
The soul is that energy that keeps us alive and connected to the
Universe. It is the most.. more..