Jesus Juice

Haggling at the Pawn Shop

 

"What did you say it was called?" I asked the tall, burly bald man working behind the desk at the pawn shop.

 

"It’s called Jesus Juice, it’s a bottle of Italian Cabernet from 1867. They called it Jesus Juice because it’s said to be made from the blood of Jesus Christ himself," the pawn man replied. He took the bottle from its glass case and set it softly on the glass counter in front of him. I examined the bottle for a minute, shifting my stare to the contents of the glass counter underneath it.

 

"What about that coin," I said pointing to a coin with the Greek God Hermes’ face adorning it.

 

"Screw the coin," he muttered jamming the bottle into my chest. "Lets talk Jesus Juice."

 

I took a step back to give my sternum some room, he withdrew the bottle and placed it back on the glass counter. "I doubt I can afford unopened wine with Jesus’ blood in it, but I would like to know more about that coin," I said still eyeing Hermes.

 

"Coin’s a thousand bucks, Jesus Juice I can give you for four fifty," he replied. "Trust me that’s a deal, this bottle has been here since 1967, I want to get rid of it."

 

"You’re not even going to tell me about the coin?" I asked.

 

"You said yourself you can’t afford it, why waste the time? This bottle of Jesus Juice is right down your alley." He pulled a book from under the counter and set it beside the bottle, putting on his thick-rimmed glasses and thumbing through it. I stood for a moment in silence, ready to walk out of the store when he finally piped - "See if you look in my appraisal book, you’ll see this bottle of wine is worth fifteen thousand dollars." He turned the book around and shoved it toward me. I leaned in and looked at it, not finding anything about Jesus Juice, or even anything in English for that matter.

 

"This is all in Italian, I can’t read this," I told him. "Will you just tell me about the god damned coin?"

 

He put his finger on the book and replied "See right here, 1833 Jesus Juice Cabernet, twenty-seven thousand dollars." He said this as if I had the ability to follow along and verify for myself.

 

"You just said the bottle was from 1867 and it was worth fifteen thousand dollars…" my tone became impatient. "Do you think I was born yesterday?"

 

A smaller, more docile looking man approached behind the bald crook. He grabbed the book from baldy and placed it back underneath the counter, grabbing the wine next and throwing it in the trash. He looked over at the bald man and narrowed his thick eyebrows. "Bert, if I catch you doing the Jesus Juice routine with a customer one more time I’m going to have to let you go. I can’t have you trying to cheat everyone you talk to just to make a commission. Now get in the back and sweep!"

 

The bald man walked in the back room and grabbed a broom. I could hear him pouting as he swept the floor. The small man politely leaned toward me and asked "Is there anything I can help you with young man?"

 

"Uhh…yeah, I wanted to know more about that coin," I said pointing down to Hermes.

 

"Ahhh yes," he said smiling with a twinkle in his eye. "This coin is from the fifteen hundreds, it’s Greek, today it would probably be the worth of a nickel or so, if we were going to equate its worth to the present times. It’s very old and it fetches a high price. There aren’t many around."

 

"What do you gotta have for it?" I asked him.

 

"I would say no less than two thousand dollars," he stated nodding his head slowly, gazing back and forth between me and the coin.

 

"Fifteen hundred and I’ll blow you," I said stoically.

 

The little man reared his head back, "Ummm…whh..what?"

 

"S**t on my chest?" the bald man in the back room hollered leaning against the broom stick with one arm, holding his index finger to his chest with the other. The little man in front of me confusedly rocked his stare from me to the bald man.

 

"Why not pops, I’ll throw in a Steamer for you," I replied shrugging my shoulders.

 

"Deal!" He shouted showing off his brown-stained teeth. "Ring him up Donny!"

 

The little man, I could see, was at a loss for words. He pulled the coin out of the glass case and held it to his heart, quivering away from me and huddling in the corner with it. "We don’t accept that kind of currency," he said. "We do cash or credit, not…not…this is a store with class, no fellatio! And certainly no…excrement…"

 

"Well I’d’ve taken it," the bald man said to me shrugging his shoulders as well. "But it’s not my store." He went on sweeping.

 

The little man dropped his hands to his sides and mustered the courage to approach me. He waved his arms and began to scold me. "Sir, I don’t appreciate you coming into my store and saying lewd things in front of all of my customers! I’ve owned this pawn shop for thirty four years and I work very hard to earn my keep! I take pride in my work and my shop’s image so if you can’t respect that then you can just leave my store and never come back!" he yelled cracking his voice and messing his hair up. He turned away from me and began to put the coin back into the glass case.

 

"I’ll give you two thousand for the coin and the Jesus Juice."

 

The little man looked intently at the coin, the trash and up at me. He approached me with fervor and slapped his hand on the glass, frightening everyone in the store.

 

"Deal."

 

Author's Note

I don't know what I was thinking...thanks for reading!

Reviews

[Deepshikha]

Hahaha. Made me laugh, this story did.
Was the customer supposed to be that suggestive? I thought it hi-larious, and what is up with that Jesus Juice? Questions, questions.
I did get the old man and the baldie confused a little, but other than that, I enjoyed this story. [: