Wounds

Herbert and Barry ponder a name for soft drinks as Chuck struggles with the wounds on his arms.

 

            "Do you call it 'pop' or 'soda'?" Herbert asked Barry.

 

            "Umm..., I'd go with 'soda', how about you?" Barry replied.

 

            "I'd go with nail file to the jugular," Herbert replied stuffing a pointy nail file into Barry's neck.

 

            "You stabbed me," Barry said.

 

            "Yes, Yes I did," said Herbert.

 

            "But Hwhy?" Barry asked.

 

            "Hwhat?" Herbert asked.

 

            "You bathe me in your nail file," Chuck said.

 

            Who's Chuck?

           

            Chuck had wounds up and down his arms like some sort of boil rat wound scar scab something or other, I don't know, it looked like a god damned wound, what more do you want me to say? I'm not going to waste my time with flowery adjectives and poignant metaphors highlighting some sort of repressed fantasy I happen to have.

 

            Let's recap.

 

            Barry confesses that he calls carbonated beverages "soda". Herbert appears to be violently against this, or the timing was purely coincidental, but regardless of why, Herbert in retaliation stabs Barry in the throat with a nail file. Enter Chuck, who has wounds on his arms, and says something peculiar in response to the stabbing, though it appears to be linked to the stabbing, because it involves utensils used in said stabbing. 

            Let me tell you more about Chuck's wounds.

 

            Chuck's arms were not wounded. Notice I never used the term wounded. That is because Chuck's arms were not wounded by something or someone (at least not conspicuously wounded by someone or something), what I mean is, they were wounds less in the sense of a bullet shot and more in the sense of leprosy. Now, please don't be confused, Chuck did not have leprosy, as far as I know, however he certainly has some p***y, nasty areas of wound running up and down his arm. It's actually pretty gross now that I am thinking about it.

 

            Chuck is still in the picture, Barry has just been stabbed and Herbert isn't really doing anything important, he's already stabbed someone, give the guy a break. At this point we need to focus on what Chuck said; which was - "You bathe me in your nail file."

 

            "Hwhat?" Herbert asked, turning to Chuck, evading the blood from Barry's wounded neck.

 

            "You bathe me in your nail file," Chuck repeated.

 

            "kk...kkk..glag...hard..kk..to..glag..talk," Barry said holding his throat. Chuck reached over and plugged the hole with his finger. "Wow." Barry said, "Much easier."

 

            "You really want those arms touching you?" Herbert asked Barry, shocked at the notion that Barry would allow Chuck's wounds to come into contact with him.

 

            "Yes, for I am Chuck," Chuck said. "And you bathe me in thine nail file."

 

            "I don't under..." Herbert's life stopped lifeing. Chuck stood with one finger plugging the hole in Barry's neck and another hand holding freshly lobotomized brain tissue; he was eating it. Herbert stood slack-jawed, his loose arms hung low to the ground as his body hunched ever so slightly; drool descending from the corners of his mouth.

 

            Barry's hole started leaking, Chuck's wounds spoke.

 

            "I am wound," wound said.

 

            "You cannot talk," Chuck told it. "For God's sake you cannot talk."

 

            "I wound thee," wound replied.

 

            "You do not," Chuck said. "Thou dost not wound me, thou hast little knowledge of thine ability to wound. Thou must learn the difference between mine wounds and thy wound." While saying this Chuck pointed to Barry. "Thy wound est thou's idea of wound; my wound is nothing more than an infection. Thou dost not wound me!"

 

            "I can wound thee," the wound said.

 

            Barry's neck tore open and he slumped to the ground.

 

            "You wound thee," Chuck said. "Not me."

 

            "I am you, I am your wounds," the wound said.

 

            "That may be," Chuck replied, "But thou dost knoweth thine arms can be cut." Chuck then sawed off his arms with Herbert's nail file.

Author's Note

I wrote it in five minutes, I know it sucks.

Reviews

[Michael Carr]

umm...I actually enjoyed it, was darkly humorous, really creepy while being infectously funny.
definatly the most unique story I've ever read on this site, so that at least counts as something. actually wanted to read the story, not a common occurance for me. bizzare and I really don't see the point, unless its for shock randomness, that said, it was great for what it was. good job tony.

[Arwen Evenstar]

I really liked it. I enjoyed reading it. I liked how the wound starting talking and chuck kinda started arguing w/it. It was funny and really interesting.

[Vague]

Oh wow, that was a good read!

Absolutely absurd, and interesting. How'd you know I got a kick out of dark humor? :P

Loved it.

[Christopher Thomas Wood..]

Yeah I still check this s**t.
This is a f*****g classic.
I read it the other day.

[Drew Wade]

Umm, well, this story is hilarious. I realize you wrote it in five minutes, but I really appreciate the absurdity of the whole thing, and the abrupt changing of the subject at the beginning. To be clear, a conversation about it being called pop or soda, then the stabbing of the throat. It's priceless. Also the whole recap of the first part that still refuses to make sense, followed by an elaborate discourse on Chuck's wounds which aren't wounds. The whole story is absurdly wonderful, and as I was reading it, I kept wondering, 'how could this be written?' but I couldn't stop because it was so entertaining.

one thing, you might want want to change 'p***y' to puss-filled. I've always tried to make pus work like that but it's never going to.