Letter #1

A series of letters written to him, for your eyes only.

Dear.....,

It's been over a year since I first met you, six weeks since I met you again, properly. I'll admit I've changed since the first time we saw each other; I'm less afraid of consequences, sort of... fearless to the world around, a little careless about most of what goes on in life around me, and just different in myself - I guess you could call it lost? Yet I'm wiser in life, what it means, what people mean with what they say and the general ambition they have. 

Looking back on last year, there's only a few things that really come to mind. For instance, I remember how you were stood there, leaning on the counter in my home, where I've not felt more uncomfortable in my life. I remember her, and your smile, the same as it is today; perfectly crooked and plotting. I don't mean to sound cynical - Plotting some romantic way in which you'll later win the girl over, whether it be her last year, or myself this year. And then when your plan goes ahead, you try and make it hard for her, hard for her to catch you and impossible to keep you. You make it so hard she cries, yet she still plays back. And props to her, winning for a short space of time, until you begin to actually mean something more to this girl than she originally intended. You're only playing with her, for now. So, as she falls for you, it seems only reasonable that you may also be starting to fall, yet you stop yourself. You won't let such a thing happen. And though you're oblivious to it, she can see the lie you're fronting, but she shies away, lets you carry on with ignorance. It's bliss, so much so that it'll all be over soon.    

So here I am, trying to take a leaf from somebody else's book, quite literally. You told me that night that you wished for happiness, and so one day this month, two days after I saw you, I found what you were looking for, though it contradicted your own philosophy that 'we make our own happiness'. Yet, surely you don't follow what you believe you do; this summer you didn't make your own happiness. What you did do, however, was let it fall away and leave it untouched. Now neither of us are as happy as you told me you want to be. Anyway, so I found this quote,

 'Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.'

and it makes sense to me, as this is what happened, how it happened, when I met you this year. 

Last year I said all of two words to you at most. It was as if you didn't really acknowledge me, but then, why would you have? I know I was immature and just some random kid sitting around. I guess this year and a half of changing from school to college, and meeting all those new people took its toll on me. 

I went from this insanely happy, coping with it all girl, to some detached, cold and dark person. Nothing seemed to bring hope to me, all I knew was that being alone was the way to get through it. I could feel how I wanted; nobody had to ask and waste their time on all these things that I had no idea about. It could've been to do with the lack of sleep, the stress, the slight boredom of it all. I'm not sure, even now, I liked to be around two things, yet they couldn't always be there, especially one. You know how it is; 'sometimes the first thing you want never comes'. 

And so, you may think I was a lonely girl with no friends and no one to talk to, but it was much the opposite. I had all the people in the world to talk to, I had them trying to talk to me, trying to get to know me more. Came November of last year, one of my friends tried to talk to me more, get to know me... I think those words just freak me out, it's like they trigger some escape plan in my mind and I have to get out, I can't stay any longer otherwise something is going to go wrong. But what really could go wrong, they'd know me a little better, wouldn't that be a good thing. Or, more in my train of thoughts, they learn about my past. The one thing I try to hide, want to hide, and most of the time, succeed in hiding. It's always the people that don't push who find out. Everyone else has no chance, they're the ones who I feel will use it against me or hold it over me as a stamp on our friendship, when really it'd just stand out to me all the time as a lapse of trust, a trap I fell into one day when I was feeling weak and them strong. 

It's not something I'm proud of, who would be, it hurts like hell remembering and I don't need that in every relationship. I much prefer to go along carelessly and being able to laugh with the people I don't feel the need to get to know that well. Maybe that sounds harsh, but it's true. How many people will actually stay your friends for your life in the future. Once you leave, you leave, you won't see me back there again. Once I'm out, I'll be gone.    

So then why did I try to get to know you this summer, I feel like it's a game of pick and choose. I want you in my future, I confess, only because everything felt so right with you. 

       It's like you took the pain away, 

even though we still talked about the things that hurt.

I could trust you and I enjoyed being able to. You were my breath of fresh air, my other half at that time even though there wasn't anything serious going on. I always go for the people who I don't have to be around all the time; I go for people older than myself, more experienced and less naive. I went for you because, you knew how I felt, you'd been where I had, you were more like me than anyone I've met before. Selfish, looking for something to blame, and at times not being able to understand why it's always like it is, you and I - those people who fall too easily - down, and in love also. 

Yet, we seemed to pick each other up at times, we showed one another the parts of us that we wanted to, and let out insecurities that formed some sort of trust. And as you told me, being normal isn't interesting, abnormal is fun, and as you made me tell you what was bothering me, I fell into some sort of... sense of security. Of course I still have that with you, maybe a false sense that I'm aware of.

I know you're leaving soon and that's hard to accept, but it doesn't prevent the knowledge I have, knowing that in a years time, or less, I'll see you again, and maybe, just maybe we'll get back what we had this summer. If not more, because, even if you aren't aware, I know where I stand with you, and you won't be able to take me for granted. I've learnt this summer that you like to work for things; I'll make sure I play along, 'cause you only win if you know how to bend the game, turn it around in the direction you want it to go. Let's call it, slipping an extra card in and messing things up a bit. Making it fun. When ever were you and I an easy match? Fate made it hard for us in the beginning, but still our hand was dealt. I reckon it may be worth playing 'til the end, as much as I know you're impatient in doing so. 

Reviews

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My Goodness, This is amazing! Such emotion entangled in this. You express yourself very well.
Like the vivid detail.